A story of many

My first message here on NoFap, trying to describe my story.

I'm in my 20s, started watching porn 10 years ago, started as an innocent curiosity and nowadays an addiction. A quite normal story for men of my age.

I never found it a problem to watch porn, until it became a daily thing. Every day after a day of work or studying, my body craved to go home, start the computer and PMO. It became an addiction and I got sick of it. For multiple years I tried to stop, but not much succes.

Since my new girlfriend I found out I had difficulties with reaching a climax, getting an erection was not a problem. It could have many causes, but I can't deny watching porn for half my life isn't. We talk about it together and she's helping me.

After reading multiple stories on the forum, I'm really happy that I know that I can still fix my problems.

In the past few years, when I realised I was addicted, even though I did not call it an addiction, I learned a few things.

1. The craving for PMO has got out of hand, when I think about PMO my head goes light, can't think about anything else but that. Even at places you shouldn't fap. The feeling is still present.
2.Ejaculating after porn makes me satisfied for 10 minutes and afterwards I feel nothing but guilt. The rest of my day, or the day afterwards I feel often low-energy or even unmotivated and makes me want to stay in bed all day.
3. After I found out about "unrealistic kinds of porn". Once the thought in my head, I struggle with concentration and can't focus on what I was doing before. Even right now when writing this I feel like opening an incognito browser and pull down my pants. But when having sex irl, it doesn't feel like a burden.

My longest streak right now is a month, when vacations distracted me, but the urge was always present and my streak died once returned home.

My study requires a lot of desk/computer time. I have thought many times about removing all electronics I have and live in the woods, catching fish and live my life in isolation. But I guess life is not that simple (and I probably get bored really quick).

Although I want to stop this madness here and now, I guess starting with the 90 days reboot is already hard enough for me.

A quote of Jim Rohn to start this long road with: "We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons."

To all readers, my new community and all people who struggle: Without darkness there is no light.

Good luck.

 

Almost 20 days, feeling very excited about my engery levels that raised, although it's still hard not to relapse. I made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow to tell about my PMO obsession.
I hope the appointment will mean something in this battle. I am hoping for a magic pill that makes all of it disapear...
Nah, just kidding, I am not expecting anything for this meeting. I hope for some extra courage and strenght, but it's fine if i won't get that tomorrow.
I don't even know if I'm just fine or if I really have issues, I just keep going forward with my life.

I'll make a seperate post about my conversation tomorrow.

 

Got an answer: The GP can connect me to a psychiatric institute. Sounds heavy, but I think it will do good. I'm just really curious how porn is treated from outside the internet, outside a community like NoFap. I'm staying strong, urges get really strong sometimes, but I manage

 

My streak has ended unfortunately. I felt guilt that night and forgot about it. Masturbating once in 1,5 months is an achievement. I can’t even remember since this happened. It’s progress and I get more motivation for the 90 days reboot. This time hoping I won’t peek this much

 

I have to start again, my perseverance is gone, I'm still vulnerable, just a thought give me that dopamine kick again.
I bought a book, Cupido's poisoned arrow. Maybe that will give me back my strenght

 

After joining a group of people who struggle with sexuallity, I learned that the use of porn has a lot to do with self confidence.
So, got a task to do every day: Review your day every day and name 3+ things you did well this day.
Sounds quite weird, in practice it even feels stupid sometimes. Go look up the psychologic behind it if you like.
I'm at home a lot now due to quarantine and I want to use my time wisely and learn a lot of things.

For a change this time, I now use CleanBrowse, a program that blocks a majority of porn sites on all my electronic devices.
A rule i applied for myself as well: Only after 3 days of not watching porn I'm allowed to read the book "Cupids Poisened Arrow".
It actually gives me a bit strength to keep going and makes the temptation to watch less.

I will be back in two weeks and hopefully see progression once again

 

Two weeks further and not so much progress unfortunately. Although most of porn sites are blocked, I still find ways to look at porn. There is this feeling that says: 'Its not that bad, you already have a low streak so it doesn't matter.' But still I feel drained the day after... After 1 week I get a lot of energy, but the urge gets bigger as well.

 

For the first time since september, two weeks. The day-timer actually helps alot, just seeing the two digits makes me smile for some reason. It's progress and that makes me happy. Although I'm sitting at home a lot, I make myself productive with study, searching for work. Sleep at a normal schedule. Trying to make the best out of my days.

 

I took bigger steps in blocking sexual content, looks like I need some extra help.
1. Installed a app called 'Bulldog' to block content
2. Use Clearbrowsing on all devices
3. Trying to mark website that are not recognised as porn, but are triggering.

 

Here we are, back at it again. I wonder how often I get here realizing I should have been here a bit more often. I moved to a new home, hoping this place would make me feel fresh and able to start over. I guess the type of room you live in does not matter if the urge is big enough... Let's get to two weeks again, just once. And I will see from there. First put on your shoes before running a marathon.

 

Well, here I am again. Got the two weeks, feel more active, but gotta find something for the urges... It took a loooong while for these two weeks. I'm still reading the book I got (cupid's).

 

Second message of the year, currently 22 days, lots of activities outside my studentroom. This week I broke up with my gf. It will be extra hard not to peak or relapse, which makes it only more worth it. I will be back...

 

Writing down my thoughts. I keep peaking, although I got pornographic restrictions on smartphone and laptop. I keep finding ways around. Peaking is not what I am afraid of rn, I just don't want to ejaculate. For me, thats the line I draw for a relapse. Well wondering, would it be weird to ejaculate during sex? I would love to, but there is something in me that hesitates and I don't know why.

 

Streak of 40, it's been 2,5 years since I got this far. Makes me sad and makes me proud at the same time.

 

I have been feeling so relaxed and clearminded the last two weeks. Feeling my selfesteem increase. I also started a course in transformation sexuality, which will continue until october (hopefully day streak of 180). I wonder, what will be after 90 days? Guess I finally begin a new chapter in my life after that...