A traumatized little kid.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Jason Todd, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. Jason Todd

    Jason Todd Fapstronaut

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    Hi I'm Sebastian, I'm from Colombia (so sorry for my grammar and spelling) and I'm 19 years old. So this is my first time here, I found the site today while searching on the web while always after a workout I feel extremly horny and I realized by reading a few posts that I should be here and stop doing PMO. I'm gonna tell you why.

    Sadly since a very young age I discovered masturbation while I was just sleeping, I was 8 or 9 I guess. Also I can tell that when I was a kid I knew I was different from the rest and now I can say that I have this huge sexual energy going trough my body and it just feels awarkd, I can't relate to it because I don't wanna be part of it you know. I never wanted.

    So since age 9 I started masturbating in my room, when my parents leave the house I always felt the necesity to masturbate and I had this stupid rituals where it was just me naked in my bed touching my entirely body until I got satisfied. By age 10 I discovered that my father had xxx movies hidden in his closet so everytime he leave the house I went there and then put the movies in my tv, watching and masturbating in front of it. After doing this I always felt guilty and I guess this is where my social anxiety started.

    I need to be complete honest with you, I'm homosexual and since I was a kid I always knew so this is another kind of guilty you know. Being gay and addicted to porn are the worst feelings ever. And I'm not even ashamed of my sexual orientation, I love myself and I'm proud of me but when this two topics converge, well, are the awful feelings ever like I wrote. Maybe because are two of the greatest subjects banned by our christian society. So, I'm ashamed of being addicted to porn and masturbating not for being gay but let's continue.

    When I was in high school things got much more weird, my anxiety and
    embarrassment increase a lot and I guess it was because I was growing up and all of those things just dind't go well mixed, masturbating and growing up. When I was like 14 or 15 I started thinking this is bad, I souldn't do this, this is ruining my life and I still do. So since this age I experienced a low masturbating necesity, before this I used to fap like everyday in the shower or after school, even in web sites with people on cam. After this age I started masturbating like 2 o 3 times a week.

    When I was in high school things got much more weird, my anxiety and
    embarrassment increased a lot and I guess it was because I was growing up and all of those things just didn't go well mixed, masturbating and growing up. When I was like 14 or 15 I started thinking this is bad, I can't keep doing this, this is ruining my life and I still do. So since this age I experienced a low masturbating necessity, before this I used to masturbate like everyday in the shower or after school, even in web sites with people on cam. After this age I started masturbating like 2 o 3 times a week.

    Now I'm in college and I found that sometimes I get so embarrassed in public for no reason or I can't see people the way I should. Sometimes I'm just so full of angry and sadness about this thing and I can't relate to people. So I'm gonna start this program, I'm gonna set a goal and see what happens. I feel that it's going to be a huge change in my life and obviously I'm so sad about the fact that I should be started before, that I have wasted a lot of time in doing this instead of doing the things that I love. I love books, I love music and movies. This is what I'm studying so I need this change to be a better person and concentrate and appreciate the things that matter the most, like my family too.

    I want to start 2016 clean, full of joy and love. Thanks for reading. I hope someone relate to this. Feel free to share with me your thoughts on my case or to share yours with me. I know that the cure is also in finding compressive and supporting people about this topic.
     
  2. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Hello Sebastian, nice to hear from you buddy. Keeping apart the other things I could say we're in the same boat regarding one thing. You have said that you used to web cam with random strangers. Don't do it again. It may nit be known to you but people can do a lot of bad things using the internet these days. They could even track you down if they are determined (please correct me if I'm wrong).

    Travelling in a ship that is a little similar to yours I have a lot of things to tell you. I'll start with my story and tell them. I was first exposed to porn when I in grade 8. That was when I got access to the internet. I started off with some stories that went to photos. Then it lead to videos. I now notice that as time passed by the awfulness of the things that I searched for increased. Even during my school time I was not a frequent user of porn. However the little I watched had it's impacts on me. I used to watch porn and masturbate and after it was over I would feel that I ruined my whole day. Productivity wise for me this was a really bad thing.

    By this time until recently, I would have have crushes on guys. I would fantasies about them and by fantasies I'm not talking about walking with our hands together. I fantasies about having sex with them.

    One day I was ready to go out after a class and a girl I know pushed my away playfully. I bumped into this guy and I looked and said sorry. Then I felt like the whole world stopped for a while. He was a cute guy and I was there like a fool. He said something (I can't remember what he said) and smiled. I took notice of the guy and I was on to him. Time passed and I was determined not to fall for him like I did for the last guy. The bond that I had for the last guy didn't end in a good way for me. He was straight and I had a hopeless crush for him. I was sad and anxious for him. I wouldn't mind much if he was only straight but according to what he boasted about, he has gone to a prostitute and that just shattered my heart. I didn't talk with him for weeks but I eventually had to because my fantasy relationship with him was only a fantasy and he was a good friend for me. ( But he should have listened to me because I was his friend too, I didn't want to see him in a bad place like that ).

    Then this semester I got to have lectures with this new guy. I got to know him a little closely (but to this day there is a untouchable wall between us). I got to be friends with him. After a while I realized that I didn't have any bad thoughts about him. I had them about other guys (except one, but that fantasy relationship didn't go anywhere) that I had crushes on. Then it clicked to me. I was in deep love with this guy. All the other crushes that I had, they were not crushes, they were sexual cravings and porn had a large part to play in those. In my previous crushes I didn't see my future with those guys. I only wanted them to satisfy my needs. But this guy, I wanted him for my life and it was not to have sex (sex was not even in the equation, not much) but to love, care and protect him. I'm still in love with him and I hope it will be for a good reason.

    I'm a non alcoholic and the sheer mentioning or using it or drugs for bad things makes me feel sick about the person or the people who is using it. One day I saw a porn where a guy was drugged before he was used. Then to my mind out of nowhere came the image of the person that I loved. I imagined what I would do if it was him. The amount of gross and filth that I felt was to much I couldn't take it anymore. I closed the browser and searched for ways to get out of that filthy addiction. I found the Fight The New Drug, Fortify, Nofap and The Pink Cross foundation. Now I'm trying to become a better man for my self and the person that I love. I'm trying to gain my fullest potential. Here are somethings that I wanted you to know.

    1. Don't waste your time for unnecessary love relationships. Use that time to empower yourself or to study.
    2. If you do your work right you'll do better things in your life rather than dating a rugby player.
    3. I'm a Buddhist and I think meditation could help you. If you don't have a temple around where you could go and ask for guidance for meditate, make some time in the morning and switch off your digital devices and try to stay without any avoidable distraction for a time period. I think 4 a.m. to 5 a.m. is good. Just wait and think about being good for your self and think of ways to improve your life.
    4. Work out. I think you're already doing it.
    5. If you're in university, don't have any repeats. Study good because having repeats is a little troublesome.
    6. Find good friends who understand you, don't go out with bad people.
    7. Listen to some good speeches. Ted talks are good.

    Those are the advice I wanted to give you.

    About that guy I love. I still don't know if he is gay or straight. I still don't know if he will love me in this life. Living in a country that look down upon those kind of relationships, I don't know how we could keep up with the society if we love. But I do know one thing. If he loves me before it's too late, I will love him back to my fullest. Please pray for me too. Hope you will have a good time rebuilding, rebooting your self here and I hope you will have a wonderful future too Sebastian.

    Writing this post has given me the ability to take this secrecy and present it. I think I would write a post about this and tell the others.
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2015
  3. Jason Todd

    Jason Todd Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your story! I enjoyed reading it. I understand most of the things that you wrote, I also see men as sexual objects, sometimes I just look at them and think all the things we could do, in sexual terms of course and it's driving me crazy, I haven't realized how much porn is affecting me till now. Thank you. I'm gonna consider your advice in my everyday life, I'm into meditation too, the sad thing is that I haven't started yet haha but I also think that a spiritual help is always helpful. And if the guy is not destined to be your lover think about him like a beautiful goal that you have in your life, you don't see him as a sexual object, you love him! That is the reason you're in love with him. At least try your best maybe you could be friends. I hope the best for you.
     
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  4. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Sebastian for your kind words. They are very valuable to me. I hope that he will become more than friends with me. I hope he will become the person I'm longing for him to be. :)
     
  5. Tonnerre

    Tonnerre Fapstronaut

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    Hey, welcome to you! I was about to give you a long answer (it's so easy to relate to your personal experience,I've been there too !). Hopefully, DevinYS gave you really good pieces of advices ! I wish I were that smart and wise at that age. I have no doubt you will find your significant other. Knowing someone else intimately, sexually and emotionally is really a great and beautiful thing (and shame should never be part of the equation, whatever the gender of the persons involved).
     
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  6. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for you kind and encouraging words. :)
     
  7. PatentPending

    PatentPending Fapstronaut

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    Welcome Sebastian! Lets start 2016 afresh ;-)
     
    DYS1994 likes this.
  8. ItaliTrey

    ItaliTrey Fapstronaut

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    I'm in a VERY similar boat as you, especially concerning the age started. Only difference is, I learned to masturbate at 11, but I started having lots of crazy sex dreams at the age of 9. Admittance is always the first step in breaking and curing any addiction. I didn't realize the severity of my problem until I moved my best friend in from our school over to the city I live in. Just being around him and noticing how he interacts with the world, and his consistent high level of energy made me understand, my problem wasn't depression or anxiety like I thought it was, it's literally my obsession to PMO. I love hearing and seeing stories like this, because it's something I can relate to, and it gives me the strength to simply just STOP. I wish you the best of luck on this journey of yours, and if you ever need some form of encouragement, I'm sure there are plenty of people you can contact on here, including myself. Just please, for the sake of not only your future, but for all of us that are struggling with this, DON'T give up. You're stronger than this addiction.
     
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