A visit to sexual therapist

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Sinbad, Sep 18, 2019.

  1. Sinbad

    Sinbad Fapstronaut

    Ever since I learned about masturbation, my sexual preference has gone out to older women.
    I suspect this may have been caused by emotional trauma.
    When I was a kid, my mother has been away several times, 2 years at once. Sometimes she would come home to leave again soon after.
    Having to miss my mom at a young age can have made me become attracted to older women.
    I've always searched this fantasy out in pornographic material. But not in real life romantic relationships.
    I've been with 3 girls my age in young adulthood and have suffered ED with each one. I stopped trying 10 years ago.
    I'm at a point now where I want to try again
    .

    I went to see a doctor before I start looking for a new relationship.
    After I told her my story, she wanted to tell me three things:
    1. There's nothing wrong with nonexcessive porn use. She advised me to start masturbating again. If I'm looking for a new relationship it would be good to put him back up again. It releases testosterone. Something about preventing prostate cancer.
    2. 80% of guys doesn't get it up the first time or has got trouble ejaculating. I don't have enough experience to know if I've got ED.
    3. There's nothing wrong with fantasizing about older women. Maybe I should even go for it.
    Our conversation ended there. Time was up. I've got to think it over. Before I decide to go back there or not. I wanted to share this here. Because I believe in what we're doing here. And I've already benefited a lot from abstinence.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2019
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  2. clapas

    clapas Fapstronaut

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    I disagree. There is problem with porn use, as I don't think there is such a thing as "nonexcessive cocaine use" and, for me, cocaine and porn are in the same bucket almost. As for masturbation, why not just refrain? I mean, what for?
    Please don't obsess with that. Stay away from PMO and mother nature will do the rest.
    Fantasizing is very wrong, no matter if it is with older women or younger or whatever. Believe me, I have talked about this in other post I believe. Fantasizing is harmful because for your brain it IS real. E.g. if you fantasize about porn, it is very similar to actually watching porn.
    I think it was Carl G. Jung who said your problems are all in the present, and only in the present can you fix them. Let the past go and find a fix in the present.
     
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  3. Sinbad

    Sinbad Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your opinion. I can definitely use more advice on this.

    Right now, I'm thinking of calling her to ask if masturbation is required for me to continue our therapeutic sessions. Since I don't want to do that. Maybe I'm allowed to talk to her more about it. Then I can attempt to make my case against pmo a little stronger.

    She also asked me to take note every time I get an erection. Also if I get morning erections. Which I don't because of flatline, I presume. I'm going to have some explaining to do.
     
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  4. SilentRa1n

    SilentRa1n Fapstronaut

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    From my experience, as you get older, those older women you fantasize are now the same age. Or if you keep trying to fantasize someone older. They are grandmas/grandmother and etc. Will you still have that erection fantasizing about an 80-year-old woman.
     
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  5. Confiscate

    Confiscate Fapstronaut

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    IMO porn is worse than cocaine. I've used both in my life. Cocaine is clearly less addictive than porn is. I've quit serious cocaine use without any effort. As for masturbation and porn i'm still addicted to it after the course of a whole lifetime. It's just disgusting how addictive it is. It practically has ruined my life. Maybe it's on the same level as crack. I don't know about crack though never used it, heard it's worse than cocaine itself. So that might sum up how problematic P and M can be in your life. Don't let it fool you!
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
  6. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

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    Doctors should stick to prescribing drugs and leave psychology to psychologists.
    They know about health and the mind- body connection as much as my dog knows about quantom physics.
     
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  7. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    M or not is your choice.

    It's also your choice to do it or not. Any therapist is just a tool or information resource for you. It's your call if you do or do not take their advice.

    If they are refusing to continue with you because you are not M then that's not a therapist you probly want to co tjnue with anyway. Forcing things on people is not a very effective therapy tool
     
  8. Great advice.
     
  9. Confiscate

    Confiscate Fapstronaut

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    First of all you're talking about a "she". So i assume it's a female doctor. Therefore i'm already advicing you now to NOT continue with her. Her giving you advice about your male body is just terrible in the first place. She is like you say she, is used of her own body, which is a female body. Don't take any advice from her.

    Lastly she promotes you to masturbate and even fantasize about older women. This is just creepy. I would take her advice as a grain of salt. OR maybe just neglect it. Hence, next time why doesn't she just say to fantasize and masturbate over her instead? This woman can harm you be aware, i would stay far away from her. Next time pick a male doctor instead especially around this subject. Just do the test go look for a new one and see what he says or what he advises instead.

    In general never take 1 doctor for granted doesn't matter if it's male or female.
     
  10. Sinbad

    Sinbad Fapstronaut

    I assume she won't refuse straight away. But I'll have to reason with her.
    I don't question her knowledge and experience. But it can't hurt to get a second opinion.

    I'll let it all sink in. Thanks everyone for the comments.
     
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  11. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Any reputable therapist is going to ask you if things work for you or not.

    Shouldn't have to reason with her. Just say I believe M will help me or that's not an option for me and that should be the end of it. It's up to her to find ways to help you in the frame work of your beliefs. Unless they are down right dangerous.

    You can always look for a CSAT certified therapist. If these sexual matters are a concern.
     
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  12. bobjames127

    bobjames127 Fapstronaut

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    I've got two points. The first is that I saw a councilor today, a male. Right off the bat, I asked "do you take porn addiction seriously" and he does. Listen, many people thought gambling wasn't an addiction, well look now? I advise you to find a male therapist, they honestly might have a better perspective. Another thing, is that my withdrawals have been so intense that I've actually really reconsidered if nofap is a healthy thing to do. Or if it surfaces too many issues at once for some people. However, the overwhelming amount of anecdotes of people coming forward stating that they are literally growing. They are looking inwards, they are identifying a whole array of negative behaviours related to nofap, has me staying strong. In the end, I've grown the most through nofap.

    Regarding a fascination with older woman. This may be linked to the Oedipus complex. Basically 19th century psychologists believe that men love there mothers. Unsurprisingly one of the fastest growing porn trends is mother/son, mother/stepson. I'm not saying you suffer from Oedipus, it's actually expected. We all have it to an extent, some worse than others based on how we were raised. If you want more information read Wilhelm Reich's "Character Types." I've followed this trend of being attracted to older woman. I actually really assessed it recently. And in some ways, I feel it is in fact rooted in the Oedipus complex, both in how I unconsciously seek affirmation in a caring perhaps motherly figure, and the fact that "experience" excites me. On the other hand, what I enjoy the most about older woman is that they are mature and usually much more intelligent then women in their twenties. I want to share some dating advice. Older women really are never attracted to younger men. Unless there is a clear contrast in attraction, meaning you are beautiful and she not so much. This is a hard truth. This doesn't apply to give or take 5-9 years. It's more for 10-15 year difference. You also have to keep in mind very practical things when dating an older woman, she might not be able to have kids when you want to. She might be lonely and hurting in some ways. So just be careful with other people. I recently hurt an older woman as I was following a porno-driven fantasy and it actually caused a lot of pain for both of us. After this, I think I've learned my lesson and experienced what I wanted to with a much older woman, and at the end of the day if there is not connection intellectual or otherwise, and you are just turned on by the idea of an older woman, I suggest you reconsider! Good luck, my friend!
     
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  13. I think this is totally the wrong advice. You said yourself you struggled with ED before, do you really think pornography would help you with that? It wouldnt alleviate a thing, and would possibly make you addicted again.

    It would escalate and become a " I'll watch porn once a week" to " I'll watch porn once a day" to "I'll watch porn 2 times a day."
     
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  14. Sinbad

    Sinbad Fapstronaut

    I do have to be able to defend my beliefs to maintain faith in what I'm doing. That's why I think reasoning with her as an expert is important.
    The dangers of addiction are excellent arguments. I can talk about the slippery slope. I'll have to properly prepare for that.
    I agree with you. I am able to grow as a person trough abstinence. I believe that will ultimately prepare me for a healthy relationship. And that's my main goal here.

    However I am concerned about ED and how my sexual preference will effect my relations. Talking openly about this face to face with another person feels like an important step in the healing process. A lot of unnecessary shame and hurt came up only by taking those words in my mouth.
     
  15. Confiscate

    Confiscate Fapstronaut

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    Why not because she's a "doctor"? Come on man you have to see the light here. YOu're a free man, do what you have to do. Screw her go to someone else trust me on this one.
     
  16. Confiscate

    Confiscate Fapstronaut

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    Another person advising you the same. That's already 2 people here telling you the same.
     
  17. Confiscate

    Confiscate Fapstronaut

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    Personally i think this woman just wanna have some fun with him. Come on this is clearly wrong.
     
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  18. Sinbad

    Sinbad Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the warning. I'm going to try to talk to my other counselor about it tomorrow. He doesn't specialize in relational issues. But I'm curious about his opinion, any opinion. I'd really like to talk to someone about this in person. I feel like no one I know will understand I haven't masturbated for four months. She didn't flinch when I said it's been 10 years since I've been with someone. Or that I like older women. But she looked shocked when I told her I once hadn't masturbated for a year. I'm in a bit of a rough spot today. Not sure if I'm going back at all right now. But I'm going to take my time to fully consider.
     
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  19. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    Telling an ex porn addict or a porn addict that they can use porn no excessively is the same as telling an ex alcoholic they can drink non excessively again. She should know that’s not the case if she’s a doctor. Once you create those addictive neural pathways in your brain they are always there. Always. Even years after use. Sure they can go dark, and you can give life to new neural pathways, but you can never watch porn again if you don’t want to be addicted just like an alcoholic can never drink again if they don’t want to be addicted.

    My advice would be to find a new doctor or sex therapist. I had to go through several therapists before I found one that really helped me. Just because you have a degree doesn’t mean you’re good at your job.
     
  20. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Many/mosts therapists are going to stick the the mainstream narrative that porn and masturbation are good things. You will have to find a therapists who understands the addictive nature of porn and sex and how it can become a problem in someones life. You may have to find an addiction therapist or sex addiction therapist in order to get real help.
     

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