A wife of a suspected porn addict in need of help

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by aoisakurachan, Jan 27, 2019.

  1. aoisakurachan

    aoisakurachan Fapstronaut

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    Hey there,
    I'm the wife of a suspected porn addict. I'm pretty frustrated and upset, because I have my suspicions but I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I DO need a judgement free place to just get some advice.

    So let me give you some background before I get into my question. It's a bit of a book, so I do apologize.
    I have loved my husband for 10 years, we've been married for 5. At the very beginning of our relationship, my husband (then boyfriend) allowed me to use his old laptop, and I came across an absolute enormous amount of porn. This upset me, but I figured at the time he'd been a single man until recently, I can understand. I explained to him that porn had no place in a relationship with me. He agreed to stop and I thought at the time that was going to be the end of it.

    Fast forward to the end of 2016. I happened to remember he used to watch porn. Why it struck my brain, I have no idea. I asked him, " are you still watching porn?" to which he replies," I will neither confirm or deny." I simply said that for his sake, I hope he wasn't. Fast forward again to March 2017. I had the day of and my husband left his private computer on. He never had a lock on it so everything he had on his computer, I could see just by walking into the room. I had come into the room and had noticed his computer was on. I went to turn it off, and found thousands of porn videos he'd downloaded. I'd opened one just to make sure the title was what I thought it was. Yep, it sure was. I was especially upset that he downloaded these videos EVERYDAY. Anywhere from 4-8 videos per day! I was crushed and ended up texting him at work about it just loosing my mind. He came home, we argued, I told him it was the a kin to cheating, he said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill, yada yada yada. It ended by him promising that he'd delete it all and he'd stop watching it.

    A few months later, same thing. New videos, and everything. The only days he didn't have new stuff downloaded was when we were on vacation. Again, I freaked out, told him I was leaving him, he came home early from work and again we argued. I accused him of lying and being addicted to which he again told me he'd stop because he thought he could stop when ever he wanted. I told him he'd have to prove it. Of course part of it was me trying to convince myself not to leave him because "this time, he'll change." I watched him delete his cash of videos, but checked the next day and noticed he "forgot" a few. I kept an eye on them to see if they'd been watched and the "last watched" thing didn't move. Finally, a few months later, I noticed one new video had been downloaded. Porn, ofcourse. I'd left the house leaving a "it's porn or me" letter saying that if he chose to stay married to me, he had to go to rehab and do some marriage counciling. He agreed. After that I continued to keep an eye on his computer and never found anything new. I started trusting him again.
    Almost all of 2018, I can honestly say I had almost regained full trust until I noticed in late 2018 he was starting to show the same behavior he did before. Staying up late (he's also a huge gamer so this wasn't a glaring red flag), lack of interest in sex, lack of interest in interacting with me. He was looking at 4chan and Reddit a lot on his phone again (his alternative to downloading porn and also his main trigger).

    The biggest red flags were that he'd put a lock on his computer, he'd NEVER had a lock on his computer and the other was.. and sorry if this is a TMI... but usually even after not having sex for a few weeks he'd only last maybe 10 minutes. We'd not had sex since November 5th. Today was our first time in MONTHS. He took forever to finish and seemed disinterested half way through.
    I am terrified he's watching porn again and the idea of confronting him again just makes me anxious right down to my bones. Especially because I know he won't tell me the truth.
    My biggest question is, am I over reacting? Am I putting a problem there that really isn't there? What do I do? How can I even tell he's lying or telling the truth? I've asked this on Reddit and was only told that I should mind my own business or that if I'd put out more, he wouldn't need porn. I desperately need some help and not judgement. I feel so alone. My therapist just encourages me to divorce him.
    Thank you for reading my exceedingly long post. I do appreciate any advice.
     
  2. He is hooked and he doesn't seem to think that it is a problem. When in fact, there is a lot wrong. He doesn't even realize the effect it is having on him or your relationship. Using porn effects the brain in a negative way that effects the entire personality. He has polluted his brain so much he cant even get excited about the real thing. I am sorry. You have to realize that none of this is your fault, except putting up with it for so long. I recommend that you join the significant others group and post your introduction message there. There are other wives who are dealing with the same thing. I am happy to answer any other questions you have. If you can get him to come here or read about the negative effects on his brain there is a chance for recovery.
     
  3. aoisakurachan

    aoisakurachan Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that. I agree, I shouldn't have put up with this for so long, but I guess I don't know what to do to change that other than to leave him. He doesn't see it as a problem and until he does, and admit that it IS a problem, I don't know what I can do. I feel a bit hopeless.
     
  4. Everyone on this site realizes that porn is a problem and is negatively impacting their life. They all want to quit and take the steps necessary to do so. If he recognizes that he has a problem he would have to be willing to let you put accountability software on all his devices. But if you ask and he doesn't acknowledge it's a problem, he won't quit until he hits bottom.
     
  5. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Well it sounds like you are married to an addict who is now just going to try and "hide it better" but I can tell you that I personally know men who were unwilling to stop even when seeing a counselor and eventually they came to the realization that it was bad for them and stopped. My wife recommends for you to take safety precautions for yourself and gather information. Have a plan of where you would stay or how you would kick him out of the house. When it comes down to it you need to make a decision about what is ok for you. You are not alone and you do not have to go through this alone. Recovering from betrayal in marriage takes 5 to 10 years when both partners are working. Your marriage is not what you thought it was and it will never be the same again, but it can be much better then you ever imagined if he and you are willing to do the work.

    Realize that it could be just porn or it could be much much more. I was addicted to porn for years before I ever actually acted out with a woman in real life and I wasn't willing to do what I needed to until I hit my bottom. His addiction is not about your performance or your worth. It is about his un-delt-with emotional issues that he is numbing with porn. I am sorry that you have to face this. It's a long and scary road no matter what you choose to do, but it is worth considering when you make your decisions that even if you leave him you could end up wit him someone else who is an addict because addiction is more than just the behavior. It is a way of coping with life that has its foundation in many areas of life.
     
  6. Unfortunately, @Myfortress is correct. Until an addict realises that he's an addict, he will be blind to the consequences. I've seen the same thing in alcoholics — "I can stop any time." "Why are you worried about me? It doesn't hurt anyone."

    Whatever you do, don't blame yourself.
     
    ccml, Honeydude, Br1 R1 and 2 others like this.
  7. aoisakurachan

    aoisakurachan Fapstronaut

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    One thing I will say about this whole thing is that, and this may sound bad, I've always known that I was never the problem. He's been watching porn since he was in highschool, way before I was ever in the picture. I know it's all him.
     
    Honeydude likes this.
  8. hey friend!

    I respect you for taking the time to actually get other peoples perspective and not being so closed minded on your own perspective. I like to share some of my perspectives.

    I just want to say this is my personal opinion. I have never been married, nor am I a professional psychologist, you want to take my advice with a grain of salt and ALL answers are within you. I can only share from my undrestanding and experience.


    I can tell you from a guys perspective, your husband doesn't even know why watches, porn, he just DOES.

    No amount of promising you to stop is ever going to help him because his actions is not done consciously, he is like a walking zombie when it comes to porn.

    Just like an alcoholic who promises his wife, I'll never drink again, that is a lie, and if the wife has any compassion or wisdom, would NOT let her husband make such promises.

    Do you ever get really angry and yell at your children and feel guilty after? Do you ever eat junk food because you crave something that you knew is not good for you but you feel helpless?

    So your husband is just like all other men in the world, as long as they awaken to who they are beyond their conditioning, we are a slave to the carnal mind, the mortal mind, and the unconscious mind.

    This mind is the million-year-old monkey mind, in the jungle for millions of years, mating is a good thing. So your husband's million year old monkey mind is now encapsulated in a modern man in a marriage.

    So here is what I suggest as your friend before you can make the right choice you must let go of anger, and resentment towards him because that won't help you in any way to make a conscious choice.

    Even if you choose to leave him after, you must first forgive him and let go of all your anger, then and only then you will have any power to let him go

    So here are some suggested steps

    1. Forgive him - I don't mean agree to his porn watching, I mean understand his limitation as an addict and a sick person. Even if he wouldn't admit it. You wouldn't hate him if he had cancer or some other sickness, well porn addiction - like any other addiction is a spiritual sickness. We have it because we have some kind of wound, some emptiness in us, and we shouldn't close our heart to him.

    I know your hurt by his actions, I know you are sincere and shocked and if i was in your shows, I too would feel the same, yet i tell you, this is a great opportunity for you to evolve consciously.

    Because life only gives you situations to help you evolve. So as messy as this feels and looks, realize you have the power to make the best choice in this matter and by opening your heart and not hating him or resenting him, you will have the highest chance to make the best choice.

    When you first said I saw his old laptop and I found porn and I got upset, that tells me that you have created a fantasy of your husband and you really don't understand the nature of male sexuality. Which is okay but perhaps you can really understand that MOST MEN watch porn. I'm not saying its okay, I'm just saying this is the reality of this unconscious wounded civilization.

    Perhaps you can be grateful that your husband is not sleeping around with other women or does have an addiction or does get drunk and abuse you like many other men do every day.

    Again i'm not saying you should accept his porn watching, maybe to you this is a deal breaker and you will have to leave him but you MUST first forgive him and understand him deeply and lovingly before you can truly be free from suffering.

    Because if you leave him and you are still hurt you will continue to suffer. but if you love him, forgive him and leave him you will be free.

    However, I wouldn't even think of leaving because I believe this relationship is here to teach you something about yourself and to help you become a more evolved being.

    If you have trouble with this step, ask God/creator/source/unconditional love to help you forgive him... "Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do. and forgive me too for I don't know what i'm doing either"

    So if you can't forgive him yourself ask God to do it for you.

    Once you clearly forgive him, then you can go to the next step...

    2 Understand that he can never change to please you he will only change if he wants to.

    You have to understand if you force him to stop watching he will never be able to- even if he does do it in front of you he will always do it in his mind later, you can't help it.

    He may promise you a million times but he will NEVER change, even if he changes it is not real. He is always going to be watch porn.

    The only possibility of him stopping is that you LOVE HIM exactly as he is, be 100% okay with him never changing - this will give him the opportunity to naturally want to change.

    No one wants nor can change for another, this is who he is now, only unconditional love and acceptance enables another to change.

    Once you do the above 2 steps, then you must get very quiet, and deep in your own heart in silence and prayer asking your higher self what is the best option - what would do the least harm and the highest good for all parties involved.

    No one can tell you what to do friend. Not your therapoist nor any one here, this is a choice you must make for yourself, but you wont be able to make a conscious heart centered choice from power, unless you first deeply forgive him and understand the nature of his addiction and understand how helpless he actually is.
     
  9. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I just posted the above earlier today, see above if he is like most of us he wont change until he hits rock bottom and does it for himself. I am sure he loves you and this is not your fault as you said, it is all his and he needs to get this out of his system. I did all the counselling, 12 step SLAA meetings, read books and really wanted to give up for my wife and family. It didn't work for me, I had to want it for me. This is only my opinion but I am now commited as I WANT to be a better person.

    You are in the right place here, look around, ask questions and people will give their time and advice freely. This site has been the best for me, get him on here if you can and get him reading other SO's stories, will make him realise what he is doing to you hopefully.

    Hope everything works out for you, it sounds like you would support him and help him if he needs it and he will. My wife has been better than I could ever imagine. Just always remember it has nothing to do with you it is his addiction, HE need to sort it out, took me a long time, too long to realise this but once I did I started my recovery, serious recovery not something so my wife thinks I am in recovery.
     
  10. aoisakurachan

    aoisakurachan Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. You have no idea, how much this helps!
     
    Myfortress likes this.
  11. aoisakurachan

    aoisakurachan Fapstronaut

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    Good morning GhostWriter!
    Thank you so so so much for ALL of this information! You have no idea how absolutely comforting this is! I guess my biggest question here that I've been stuck on for this entire thing is the "creating the boundaries & consequenses ". I've really never gotten much help with this one because in times passed, it's always been an ultimatum. My father was/is an alcoholic and I've only ever heard that it has to be the ultimatum route. I watched my mother go this route. What would be the best way of going about something other than an ultimatum route?
     
  12. @GhostWriter — You post these boundaries and consequences so many times, and of course you regularly update them.

    Wouldn't it be more useful for you to create a thread where the first post is the "Boundaries and Consequences", which you keep updated, and link to it instead? That way, we always have access to the latest version.
     
  13. Well, you don't have to fight. If you create the thread, put a bold and obvious disclaimer at the top and bottom of the first post that you will not respond to, or even read, any posts whatsoever within the thread. And stick to it! Just don't read the posts (I know that you'll be tempted, but if you can do a hard reboot, you can ignore a bunch of posts in a single thread.)
     
  14. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Your bloody boundaries and consequences, was the worst and BEST thing that happened to me. So grateful for the support you gave my wife when she first came on here. You can take it from me, listen to this man he knows what he's on about. Thanks again GW.
     
    Myfortress likes this.
  15. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I hear ya girl. It's so frustrating. Good job confronting him though. I'm still too afraid to confront mine. I'm worried aboit what he'll say and how he'll react. I personally think you're doing all the right things. Maybe demand the password to his laptop. Maybe also show him this video that I plan to show mine as a segway in to confronting him.
     
    aoisakurachan likes this.
  16. aoisakurachan

    aoisakurachan Fapstronaut

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    Let me know how it goes! I'm still trying to figure out how to confront him again. I have no real plan and I haven't formulated boundries and consequenses yet. It's incredibly hard to be here again :(
     
  17. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I hear ya. I'm terrified to do this but I know I.have to. For me and also for him. I've done the research and I know all of the side effects so it's tough watching him suffer with no idea what's going on.
     

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