About to lose my wife

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by bls88, Nov 6, 2014.

  1. bls88

    bls88 Fapstronaut

    7
    0
    1
    Porn has ruined my marriage.... or should I say I have ruined our marriage. I was previously apart of another forum where it was a mixed bag of politics ,current events , and porn or porn like items. My wife found out about it and saw what I had been posting and looking at. This should have been the end of it. We went to counseling, I promised I would change, but I didnt. I would look still look at porn. She found out again and this time I told her to put parental controls on my phone. I was doing good and yesterday I just got the urge and looked at it. While doing so I felt so guilty. I stopped looking and felt like confessing all day that I had looked at it. The damage was done. She put a tracker on our computer and saw that I had looked at it.

    There is really nothing I can say to her to make this better. All I know is I have to beat this so I can give her the marriage she deserves. She is a beautiful beautiful woman. The perfect wife and woman for me.

    Today is day one of changing my life and my marriage. The Lord knows this woman deserves so much more. I plan on visiting this site, going to church, and doing whatever it takes to fix this.

    Any advice on damage control at this point? We are talking about someone who has fucked up 4 or 5 times so sorry I am going to change isn't going to do. I can't lose this woman. She is everything to me and I was so stupid to have looked at it. Help!
     
  2. MadHatter

    MadHatter Fapstronaut

    815
    474
    63
    A sad story.

    However, not all is lost! She is still with you. Stay strong.
    Words, at this point, may seem to her an empty gesture of lip service. What you need, more than anything, is action. You know her better than anyone. Talk with each other. Ask her point blank: what would it take for her to start trusting you again? Then, do WHATEVER it takes to get there, and STAY there.

    Start a journey, start a journal. See where it takes you.
     
  3. not2late

    not2late Fapstronaut

    190
    0
    16
    Hi I can relate to your story. You have to be prepared to do whatever it takes to help yourself. Doing so will also help your partner in the end. Find professional counseling if need be, focus on each day at a time, get educated, www.yourbrainonporn.com, start a journal ext...
    Good luck
     
  4. Locust360

    Locust360 Fapstronaut

    150
    28
    28
    Brother,

    In my opinion at this point the problem in your relationship is less the Fapping and more about trust.

    Keep the line of communication open and use her as a confidant. Even if you have a difficult time and struggle, if she feels as though she is in the loop on it you have a better chance. The fapping can be overcome, the trust issue is much more complicated.

    Heres a good quote from who the fuck knows:

    Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there is no reason to continue.

    I'm not sure how open your line of communication is with her, but I would try to figure out a way to use her to counter any triggers. Everytime the idea pops into your head to use PMO, stop and try to think of something nice to do for her that you think will either put a smile on her face and/or make her laugh. Then when the timing seems suitable, talk to her about what your dealing with, not in a way to impress her but just in a way that lets her know your trying and you look at her as a confidant in your struggle. At the same time not unloading on her so as to make her feel as though she's your crutch either.

    Just my two cents.

    And I agree with not2late. Do what has worked for others in order to beat the actual issue with PMO. Educate yourself, make a journal and make an entry in the beginning of your day or whenever you normally sat down to use PMO. Replace the negative behaviors with new positive ones and take it moment to moment.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2014
  5. feo1966

    feo1966 Fapstronaut

    509
    369
    63
    This is a really good book. Lots of great information on what works, what doesn't for any addiction. Not specific to porn, but still very helpful.

    http://www.amazon.com/The-Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters-ebook/dp/B005ERIRZE

    Show your wife this forum, so she sees you are trying. Show her that you are reading the above book, so you are trying to understand addiction.

    Until someone HAS an addiction, it is hard for them understand why people can't just stop.

    But the reward center wants it's dopamine rush.

    There is a study discussed in the book about rats that will walk across an electric floor, which burns their feet, just so they can push a lever that stimulates the reward center. Their feet were charred black, but they kept on doing it.

    The trick is to learn that the reward center lies to you. It promises reward, but never delivers. It is like scratching scabbies, you feel good for 5 seconds, and then worse.

    Also, trying NOT to think of porn is impossible. EXPECT urges to pop up. You can't stop that. What you can do is be ready for them like a skeet shooter waiting to react and say "No way .... nice try".

    This is why meditation is so helpful. It trains you to get good at noticing impulses arising. If you are meditating, get an itch, but don't scratch it, you have just trained your brain a little bit how to resist impulses.
     
  6. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    2,179
    1,747
    143
    You HAVE to build back her trust. This will take a lot of your effort, it will not be easy, and it will not fix itself overnight. You have clearly damaged your relationship through your porn consumption. You have damaged the trust you built within your relationship. Therefore you MUST do your best to restore trust in the relationship.

    I'm not saying it will be smooth sailing from here. You HAVE to tell her if you relapse. She will most likely be glad you came to her first if such a thing were to happen. You CANNOT conceal lapses, for if she finds out herself it will only hurt more.

    I recommend trying to tackle your addiction with her, rather than trying to go it alone. Introduce her to the science of the addiction. The Gary Wilson TED talk is a good starting point. Tell her you love her. I hope that you can both work together to fight this addiction! You owe it to your woman to fight this, if you truly love her.

    Good luck man!
     
  7. Some excellent advice given here, bro's!

    I would suggest getting MALE help in person. Not counseling alone - which is good in itself - but strong friendship bonds. I don't know how long you have been hooked on PMO, but it might take a while to come off. So have enough patience and keep building those relationships in your life.

    Also diversify your life. Often we run to porn because it appeals to us, appearing to be so much more exciting than the real (mundane) life. But there is no one to blame for the type of life you have right now, but yourself. Take charge and take responsibility - and change it. Make it what you want it to be. And get your wife along on the ride.
     
  8. VanillaMochi

    VanillaMochi Fapstronaut

    1,249
    81
    48
    A few things that I've implemented since joining this site are:

    1) Set my homepage to http://www.nofap.org/forum/forum.php
    2) I'm keeping my door open at all times to make it hard to PMO. I live with two female roommates.
    3) Bookmarked http://emergency.nofap.org - it works best if you don't keep hitting refresh but take what you need from it and move on.
    4) I'm taking cold showers.
    5) I did some research on http://www.yourbrainonporn.com and watched the Ted talks videos there.
    6) I'm reading/posting as much as I can on this forum.
    7) I'm keeping a daily journal and created a counter to track my progress.
    8) I wear a rubber band on my wrist that I snap whenever I have a sexual thought or become aroused.
    9) I flex all of my muscles rhythmically whenever I feel like I'm going to get an erection to direct blood flow away from it.
    10) I've watched "Sacred Sexuality" videos on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/user/SacredS...sort=da&view=0

    For brand new members I recommend doing these three things:

    1. Create a journal and post in it everyday, especially when you get urges. Just writing down that I have an urge helps to alleviate it.

    2. Set a goal and create a PMO counter to track your progress. Copy and paste it in to your signature. (You can edit your signature in your account settings.)

    3. Read and respond to other peoples journals. This will help to make you realize that you are not alone and give you hope and ideas on how to further develop in your recovery.

    If you do these things you'll be off to a great start.
     
  9. napionder

    napionder Fapstronaut

    131
    12
    18
    I agree with some of the post above, show your wife this forum and the tedx vids. Show her what nofap is. It will help her understand and help her see there is a fairly easy way out. It will also make it easier for her to help you. Now, she may just be thinking you are some kind of sex crazed freak.

    Communication is key, in all situations.

    Also, don't just do nofap. Do other stuff like meditation and some form of physical exercise, start eating healthy. You'll become a completely different person in a matter of weeks. Not only will you feel better and will it be easier to stick to nofap, your wife will see those changes in you and will be more likely to support you. Don't just try to get your wife back, decide to become a better husband to her than you have ever been.

    And work on your relationship, on the way you communicate, on the way you are intimate with your wife (not just in a sexual way), ...

    Always be honest to her, even if it is about a relapse. She probably doesn't trust you very much right now, so show her that you are not hiding anything anymore. You need to regain her trust by opening yourself up completely!

    A last resort method: ask some married guys in the forum who've had success with nofap and restoring their sex lives with their partner to share their experience and show these to your wife.

    Good luck! We all know you can do it!
     
  10. bls88

    bls88 Fapstronaut

    7
    0
    1
    What I failed to say in my post is that in the beginning stages of my relationship I talked to my ex girlfriend for months and even hid my phone from her when she realized. Literally hid it under the couch while she was standing right there. I also did not only look at porn, but on a forum I made comments like, "If my wife looked like this, my weiner would fall off". I made comments about how she wasn't enough sexually because her vagina was loose 3 years after having a baby. I also stated that my ex girlfriend gave me herpes (which I didn't tell my wife until 3 years later) and on that same forum I posted that it was worth it because the sex was amazing...I posted this while my wife was pregnant. And she saw all of those including many others.

    Oh,I also posted naked pictures of my wife on these forums for other men to look at without her consent and she has never sent a naked picture to any man before. Only me, because she trusted me as her husband.

    And then my first post comes into play, She stayed with me, set up counseling and still didn't change.

    Any way to fix the trust now? Probably not.
     
  11. hillcountry

    hillcountry Fapstronaut

    84
    1
    8
    bls88, I don't know if you know this or not, but your wife was on this site recently asking for help and advice. I know because I read her post this morning and their are too many similarities between your posts for it to be a coincidence! She mentioned the fact that her husband, for example, posted nude pictures of her online. Dude, you can't do stuff like that! Believe me, my wife's body is not perfect by any means, but nofap has helped me appreciate it again. Between 8/31 & 10/23, I jacked off to porn 51 times, and countless times before that, and my wife&I would have sex about once or twice a month. Since 10/23, I've penetrated my wife's vagina at least 15 times. I did relapse briefly last week, felt bad about it, and moved on. My wife knows about my addiction and lets me look at porn to get an erection, then I go to town ON HER AND IN HER. What am I saying? Man, our wives SO WANT for us as men to desire them sexually. That's how their made! Stop wishing your wife had the perfect body: work with what you have. Surely there still must be a way you can find to "use" your loving wife's body to achieve orgasm. I told your wife (hope you don't mind) she should let you have a "transition period" in which you look at certain clips to get hard, then use that erection to be intimate with her. We're too addicted to quit cold turkey, so you need a transition period to get used to real sex again. I'm not judging you! I also have an ex, like you, that I remember fondly from time to time who gave me the best sex (and blow job) of my life. But she's gone now and not coming back. My wife loves that I'm, excuse my language, "pounding the pussy" again now so much. I'm alone in the house right now, but I'm going to resist my urges until she gets home tonight. If you want to save your marriage, you'l consider what I'm saying.
     
  12. TeddyBear

    TeddyBear Guest

    Did your wife tell you to come here?
     
  13. Rdevries

    Rdevries Fapstronaut

    5
    0
    1
    I am in the same boat. My marriage of 28 years with a perfect wife is going poof! Due to my masturbation habit and related porn viewing (last 7 years only very occasionally).
    Advice:
    - do not provide any reasons or rationalizations, this only digs a deeper hole
    - acknowledgement of the hurt is a big thing. Only say: "I'm sorry" (ie. no ifs, ands, or buts)
    - I agree with Nobrainer: try to tackle this recovery project together and let her call the shots. as a man we seem to not be able to communicate with our significant other about this issue in any coherent way, but if you can, I think that could be a saving grace that builds trust.
    Good luck (and wish me luck too), I am down to praying for a miracle.
     
  14. JasonC

    JasonC Fapstronaut

    157
    1
    18
    I agree with all the advice and sentiment offered so far. I fully support your noFap efforts and desire to be a better husband and man. However...

    Your wife should dump your sorry, pathetic ass and never look back. The rest of you can flame me if you want, I don't give a shit. The truth hurts sometimes and in this case might set HER free.

    bls88, you may think I'm judging you. I'm not. I'm not worthy of the wife I have either. But you say you've been confronted by her several times about your addictions, have lied to her face, and have so far relapsed in all your efforts. Your wife going to private counseling now is a wake up call. Hopefully this is the start of the miracle you're hoping for and its a sign she still loves you and is giving you one last chance.

    Get your life in order, my brother. As others have said, your issues go well beyond P & M. Somehow you've lost your common decency. Not telling your wife you have an STD from an ex for three years? Posting naked pics of her to strangers? Good hell man, what were you thinking?!
     
  15. bls88

    bls88 Fapstronaut

    7
    0
    1
    Thank you for the advice. All the criticism is warranted. I surrounded myself with people in that other forum that posted pictures of their wives, other women, etc. When you're around that you don't see how wrong your behavior is...it becomes the normal. In my mind I was showing her off...I know that's wrong now. I betrayed her and her trust and nothing is worse than that.

    I realize how awful it was and how much I hurt her. I deserve 100% to lose this amazing women I have. She is absolutely stunning but our sex life faltered cause I was watching porn and masturbating.

    The worst part is this amazing woman thinks less of herself than ever. It's all my fault. I am awful at talking to her. My head screams thoughts but I can't formulate them into words. Even if I did those words would be useless cause I've said it all before. Time is the only thing I have now. If she stays with me i can only show her through action that I've changed.

    Regardless... I am an ass hole and don't deserve this woman. I know that...she has changed me in so many ways. I hate to think of the person I would be without her, I still have a long road a head to becoming a better man but I appreciate the advice and support.
     
  16. tune345

    tune345 Fapstronaut

    61
    4
    8
    Sorry to hear this ! but keep the faith up , everything will turn out for good
     
  17. Nikantor22

    Nikantor22 Fapstronaut

    46
    4
    8
    I agree with most of what has been said, but have a different suggestion. How about you switch from a smartphone to an older phone with no internet access? And how about you have your wife set up a password lock on your computer so that she has to unlock it whenever you want to use it?

    As for your last post, I would say if she hasn't left you after all of that, she's probably willing to trust you again if you give her a reason to. That would start with not betraying her trust doing any of the things mentioned in your post.
     
  18. JasonC

    JasonC Fapstronaut

    157
    1
    18
    Whether the criticism was warranted or not, I feel my mine was too harsh. I'm really sorry about that. I certainly don't think I'm any less of an asshole for the things I've done. As I mentioned, I definitely don't deserve the wife I have. However, I do think that it would be disingenuous and unhelpful to sugar-coat a response to the kind of details you and your wife have posted here. You need to be able to make a firm resolution to quit PMO and that has to be based on reasoning that hits you at your core. I think you have done that.

    I am very close friends with a beautiful (inside & out) woman who recently divorced her husband for among other reasons, his addiction to porn. She gave him so many chances. At first he worked really hard to overcome it, but he eventually just stopped trying because he decided that he loved porn more than her and their kids. I look at what he gave up, what he traded her and his kids in for - a sad and pathetic life of beating off in the dark to a glowing screen, flushing his manhood and all he ever had that is worth a damn literally down the drain every single fucking day. I saw myself on the same path as this guy, and not wanting to end up like him is one of the biggest reasons why I'm here. We're on the same road, buddy. Glad you're here to keep me company.
     
  19. VanillaMochi

    VanillaMochi Fapstronaut

    1,249
    81
    48
    Your wife may have posted here:

    http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?25055-Questions-from-a-wife

    However, she deleted her original post. It was very similar to what you wrote. Posting pictures of her on an internet forum and saying "If my wife was this hot my dick would fall off" I remember she mentioned that her husband made a comment like that too. Apparently she has abandoned this website and is seeking counseling. Maybe she directed you to this website, I don't know. Either way I'm glad you're here.

    If that is your wife, not saying it is or it isn't, she seemed very concerned and willing to do whatever it took to make the marriage work before she just "gave up" so stay diligent.

    If you want I can add you to the NoFap Skype group. PM me and let me know.

    I'll try and help you in any way possible.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2014
  20. bls88

    bls88 Fapstronaut

    7
    0
    1
    That indeed was my wife who posted. Everything she said I said or did was true.

    Basically it was a MMA forum with a side forum that had a little bit of everything posted. Sex, porn, politics, current events, etc. I surrounded myself with people where what I was posting and what I was posting seemed normal. Everyone did it so I didn't see my faults. Not only that but looking at porn and writing those things....I didn't see my wife for her true beauty. Once she found all those things she was crushed. I haven't gone been and read what I posted, mainly out of embarrassment. I said some really bad things that greatly disrespected my wife and marriage. We went to counseling and things got better but she found out I was looking at porn again. She put a filter on my phone and unknown to me on the computer too.

    A few weeks ago I got horny and figured I'd just look real quick and be done. She put the filter on the computer to unknown to me and found out. This was basically the end. I know she is hurting and I am not good at putting my feelings into words with her. I am an idiot and just handle things all wrong. She told me she didn't think this was going to work out so I said fine let's get a divorce. That is the very last thing I want in the world. I took my ring off and she threw it in the bayou. I want to be able to express how sorry I am and how hurt I am when I see she is hurting but I know it comes off as disingenuous. It's killing me to see her so depressed and I have no idea how to make this better.

    I have stopped any and all porn watching. I see a difference in just two weeks. I see her for her incredible beauty. I know in time these feelings will only get stronger, but it may be to late. How can you say these things to her when all you've done is lied? I feel like everything I say she just won't believe.

    Again gents, I appreciate the community here and hearing everyone's stories. I'm trying to find the answers to fix my marriage and greatly appreciate the support and criticism that is all well deserved.
     

Share This Page