About to marry but now i dont love her!! Anxiety,help me!

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PhattyPatato, Feb 21, 2019.

  1. davidx

    davidx Fapstronaut

    This might be less complicated than you may think / feel. There are several layers to this but you first of all have to be totally honest with yourself and then totally honest with her and then be man enough to let her be totally honest with you. Where it goes from there is about doing the right thing the right thing here is for you to become the right person for a relationship before you commit to one. I have been in several relationships- some good and most a disaster. I am married in a bad marriage and now at the age of 50 I realize how selfish I have been for so many years. If you don’t love this person for who they are let them go so they can find someone who can and will love them for who they are. My goal here is 90 days no PMO and along with that making other real changes in my life. We all have issues to deal with and HONESTY is best way to deal with them even and especially when it’s not easy that’s the part of manhood we all need to grab hold of.

    I wish you the best. I’m new here and have my own issues to contend with. I’m on day 5 and I’m so glad to have found this forum. Theres a lot of real and raw truth here and I appreciate all the honesty people are sharing.
    Susannah likes this.
  2. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your time and reply David. I would be the right person for a relationship i think if i could commit.Problem is I dont commit.I am always in search of a perfect person that doesnt exist,and i found out i suffer from premature infatuation which makes it harder.
    I am sorry about your bad marriage and that you feel this way but i am glad you arent giving up and trying to change your life for the better.
    Welcome to the forum also.Hope you have a great time here and reach your goal.
  3. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

    Well, I guess you should have worked out your problems with a psychologist or therapist before you made the decision of getting involved in marriage. If you came out in the open with your sex addiction and gotten the help you need, you might have felt less anxious and suffocated than before. For me, the reason as to why I reached the 125 days free PMO is because I have worked out my problems before others and I have held myself accountable to it. took me some time but i finally did it. And now, I get really nervous and anxious if I start hearing about couples sexual fantasies in public or about so and so having or doing this between each other in bed etc. I do not want to hear that trash. Sorry.
  4. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    I find myself feeling ok and making it fun when i am able to have sex myself and i hear people talking about sex.
    It's only when i don't have sex that it gets me down.
    So i am curious... Do you have a girlfriend or a girl you really like that you can have sex with at the moment?
  5. Re:Born

    Re:Born Fapstronaut

    I don't know man, I understand your situation but I have mixed feelings about your actions.

    If you can't even deal with your own shit why would you implicate another person's well-being into your situation. Seems selfish to me.

    Of course marriage is not an option if you are not sure.
    Just be honest with her, you are addicted to PMO and until you have rebooted successfully you don't have clarity of mind and can not make a decision.

    If she decides to leave you because of it's a win-win for both of you, since you didn't leave her, but she made her own decision and if she decides to stay and help you with your addiction, who knows, you may find out that you do truly love her.
    justafriend likes this.
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Yes! Exactly!
  7. davidx

    davidx Fapstronaut

    If You don’t , won’t or can’t love this person for who they are then let them go so they can be with someone who can / will. Either way you really have to be honest with yourself and with her to get things sorted out....Then go from there to make the right changes for your life. PMO is a problem and a symptom for some of us. Not just either or. We all have a responsibility to ourselves and to others when we are relationships whether we realize / accept it or not. Marriage doesn’t fix anything I have been in A bad marriage for most of the years we have been married... PMO doesn’t fix anything either. It’s really about choices and commitment and responsibility in any relationship.

    You just need to be honest with yourself to really do yourself any good in this type of situation I think. What are your real concerns / fears? Are they just exaggerated in your head do you want to love this person or can you even love this person? These are just thoughts as far as the kind of things to really ask yourself but think and feel your way through it all as honestly as possible. I’m no expert on anything but I know being truly honest with myself and trying to really open up to my wife over the last 6 months has done me a lot of good.
    justafriend likes this.
  8. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

    Bro talk to a certified sex addiction therapist man, or find a coach. I feel like while alot of us have good intentions, it always helps to talk to someone who's profession is to help people find the way to sexual freedom. I myself, am in therapy for this lol. Good luck man!
    LetTheManEmerge likes this.
  9. davidx

    davidx Fapstronaut

    When we can’t do something ourselves yes, sometimes we need to hire a professional. Just be sure you get some references for anyone you see. I am in sales and I always tell my customers to check our references and the references of our competitors. Just a thought.
  10. LetTheManEmerge

    LetTheManEmerge New Fapstronaut

    It seems like you're trying to get honest with yourself and I appreciate and respect that. Good job. Have you thought that maybe part of the reason you're not breaking it off is because she's your backup plan and wouldn't take you back a 4th time? You couldnt go back and might lose your chance at marriage and happiness? Identify the fear that's stopping you from breaking it off and becoming the man you want to be. That fear is what's holding you back. There are probably multiples and you know what they say... "multiples are a girls best friend" lol. Find the fear, write it down, ask yourself if it's 100% true, do you know more then God? Next write down the opposite statement and that will be your new belief. For example, *I'm afraid I'll never find anyone. I'm too f**ked up.* Rewrite: *I'm becoming the man I'm meant to be. I'm unstoppable and want to bring joy to everyone I meet. Soon I'll meet a passionate woman who will bring joy to my life.* After you break it off with your current fiancee you need to do whatever makes you the most uncomfortable. I bet it would be not dating, no sex, no fapping and being alone in your own skin without any escapisms. You're gonna probably feel REALLY uncomfortable but you'll be with you. You have a power inside you like no other man. Find your purpose and what brings you joy. Sometimes we need to get job and do stuff that isn't fulfilling while we figure this out. Once you find your purpose you'll work to make it happen. Here a starter clue. You're purpose is to help people. All of us are here, in this world, to help people... You just need to figure out how YOU want to help people. What's your favorite way? Find a way that brings you joy then do it. It will change over time, that's normal. Once your living with purpose women will be drawn to you like a magnet and then you'll be picky about which woman will meld best with you. Does this make sense? You get on your path and everything else falls into place. All this pain is happening "for" you, so you can grow, not "to" you to make you suffer. Detach from the thought that life is happening "to" you and connect with the thought that it's happening "for" you. It's a growth opportunity.
  11. Be a man and get out. If you dont now by your own hand, itll happen on it's own.
    For Gods sake, leave the poor girl alone
  12. Flaumann

    Flaumann Fapstronaut

    Take a deep breath! I know that feeling.

    I have the most wonderful girlfriend. Still, there are times when I feel like - maybe she is not the one, do I even love her? And as soon as I engage in these thoughts it just gets worse and worse.
    I didn't break up with her but we had a lot of crises because of this. I talked to her about it and it wasn't easy for her of course. So I made myself really think about this and thoroughly finding out whether I wanted her in my life or not.
    In my case a lot of my problems have to do with myself not with her. See, the point is this - no girlfriend ever will make you the man you want to be. That's your job. Your girlfriend isn't only there to make you look better or to make you feel better. She should be your partner in crime. So think about it that way: do you like being with her? Do you like the time you and her are together? Can you laugh together? Are you attracted to her?
    If yes, start working on yourself because she's most likely not the problem. You would have the same issues with any other girl. Because there's alway a "hotter one" - at least at first sight.

    That's why I don't agree with this:
    nor with this:
    Some man just have a hard time committing themselves to other people.

    But what's most important is that you talk to her! Talk to her about your feelings. Let her be part of your struggles and problems. Of ourse not eeeverything - your partner isn't there to take your confession (IMO sometimes man make it too easy for themselves just telling everything so they can feel better).

    Keep me posted, my friend!
    Rehab101 likes this.
  13. davidx

    davidx Fapstronaut

    There’s a lot to marriage- I was engaged once before I ended up marrying my current wife (years later...) that first engagement was a disaster and I didn’t marry her ... it was the best thing that could have happened in that situation for both of us.

    It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t a good relationship but I felt like I had already made a pretty big commitment but it was best for both of us for me to walk away. I was NOT ready for marriage and I was falling back into a PMO addiction again at the time also. We had a lot of problems and were breaking up and getting back together quite a lot. I knew finally that I didn’t and wouldn’t love her and I don’t think she really loved me. I do know she is happily married now and I’m genuinely glad for her.

    I will say essentially the same thing I said previously- if you don’t, can’t or won’t love this person for who they are then let them go so they can be with someone who can / will.

    It will likely be much better for both of you in the long run.

    If you are just exaggerating the fears and anxieties in your head and you do love her maybe get some counseling. But yes be honest with yourself and her no matter what - good luck.
    samnf1990 and Flaumann like this.

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