Abuse by Physical Violence

I was beaten as a child someone I learned to hate. I learned to hate this person, because the violence made no rational sense to why it became a routine norm for this person to exercise this instead of other options. Growing up, I hated this person with all my guts from the beatings i endured as a child. This person was seven years my elder. As a child, I was beaten for nearly anything that was justifiable.

My parents had first-hand knowledge of these events, but were not able to devise a solution for me to deal with the issue from this person. My parents were victims by this person's domestic abuse. Seeing the cops enter my home after a while became into a routine all through my childhood until I graduated high school. The addiction that this person had, perhaps, was greater than the current one that I'm struggling with from drugs and masturbation.

This was a person who was on one-hand, addicted to illegal drugs. When this habit could not be supported, a desperation in threatening family became a new routine norm. The perspective that I once had about family had been considerably revised. At times -- I felt lost, because the friend's I knew had normal families.

This abusive childhood experience has lead me into making some bad decisions in my life. It got me in trouble and sent me off a few times. Under extreme isolation, the lesson provided with the wisdom in guidance that I was assaulting people because I was victim myself. I cried a lot the first time I was locked up from assaulting somebody from school. I felt that it was justified because my emotions had gotten the best of me. It was a lesson that I learned in having too much pride in false confidence.

As I reflect back on these moments, I come to embrace that it made me stronger for the better because it forced me into thinking of survival. Then, I became obsessed with self-defense. It lead me to creating a part-time hobby that I was once incredibly serious about pursuing as a career. That moment never happened, as I became involved in being addicted to drugs and pornography.

This moment from my childhood always made me feel sorry for myself that I was able to receive a warm and fuzzy childhood like my peers. But I realize that these people probably didn't have it any easier. When I watch pornography, these days from relapsing, I'm curious enough to do background research on my favorite actresses by their birth year. It made me feel old that I am new enjoying the younger performers. As a young child, I always enjoyed watching a scene with the mature actresses.

Learning about the condition between porn and masturbation has lead me to garner interest from an interview that I once stumbled upon, by Ted Bundy, an American serial killer. The interview concluded that a top leading agency by the justice department of the federal government had conducted a study among criminals who had like himself. The one factor was heavily emphasized was his childhood addiction to pornography. Bundy began watching whatever excited him. Soon, his genres were revised by a series of reforms. It became more and more extreme each time.

The early exposure had changed his perspective and stimulus receptors, which lead to him moving onto other genres that were more hardcore and violent. I once heard this theory to be true; the higher the tolerance, the more the mind begins to expand on what can potentially draw more interest from curiosity. Moving onto other genres has already happened.

I'm worried that if I don't manage to get this problem of mine under control, I might find myself making stupid decisions, one day, ending up in some bad places like I once have.

There's a book that I've been reading about the sex industry and their common practices. It is just as violent, if not, more from the fact that there are many young women who lose their lives from the sex trade.