Abuse history, Sexual preference, attraction and same sex attraction...

First i want to thank you for the great post and having the courage of sharing something with this comunity.You inspired me to tell something i never told anyone before.I tryed to keep it as short as posible but i also wanted to show the whole story .Sorry for my bad english.

Im a 30 yo straight looking and acting male who had a great success with the ladies but with a dark side.Like you i also was the victim of sexual abuse when i was a child.It happend when i was 6-7 with an older cousin who also introduced me to porn.I didnt knew what was going on back then and that memory stayed hidden for almost 20 years.I grew up in a normal family but with a very strict dad who loved me ,but used to beat me every time i did something wrong.And trust me i deserve it,skipping school,stealing money from the house ,police problems.I never blamed him for what he did but that probably affected me in a way i didnt understood.After discovering porn it kinda ruled my life.Till the age of 14 i had a collection of almost 150 hardcore magazines.I would sit for hours next to the shop just to find the right moment when nobody was in so i could buy them.Then i moved to video cassetes and eventualy internet porn.I lost my virginity with a super kinky girl and i couldnt be more happy that finaly everything i craved till that moment came to reality.I tought my sex life will always be like that.But after her i found out that its not that easy,and girls would judge me for my sexual desires.So i started looking for open girls on the internet.I didnt had too much success so,beeing bored and curious, i started chatting with a guy who was into crossdressing.I dont know why but the ideea became stuck in my mind and i started stealing underwear and stockings from my sister and tryed them on.I didnt feel to much then because,as i found out later ,i wasnt trying to be feminine or sexy for myself,i was trying to please someone else.All this time i was using hardcore porn and started to like the transwoman/transgendered person genre.After a couple of years i had my first experience with an older guy ,just oral sex.Yeah,i was into older men.I realised later that i probably trying to please my father.Sick huh? The first experience wasnt that wow to me ,but i didnt disliked it.Then i had a couple of relationship with girls ,but the sex was now too boring ,it wasnt kinky enough for me,so i turned to men again.I had a few encounters with some guys,even some bi couples.I felt like i was in my element.I was living a porn life,just like i always wanted.After i had two healthy relationships with girls,the last one was actually the love of my life.Sex was great at the beggining and i had a great time ,but after a while ,like before ,things got boring so i returned to porn and my bi side.I found a guy who was living close to me and was into crossdressing and we would see each other almost every week.I knew something was wrong at that time but the use of porn made it all seem ok.Needles to say my gf didnt got the attention she needed and looked for what was missing somewhere else.I found out she was cheating and the news broke me in half.I loved her like crazy and didnt realise what i actually did .It was like i was another person driven by some force to do those things.The breaking up had a major effect on me,i had a big trauma and i actually moved from the country just so i wouldnt see her again and try to recover.I lived and worked for 3 years in another country.In all this time i never even kissed a girl(i started to hate women and never tought i will want one again).I burried myself in porn and fapped as much i could trying to fill that void in my life.I discovered sissy porn and developed a cuckold sissy fetish.I liked everything about humiliation,abuse and beeing an object to men.But for me it wasnt humiliating ,i was having fun.But it was only when using porn.If im walking down the street i dont look at men,i dont like the ideea of beeing with a guy or having a relationship .Im didnt even like a guys body ,except for their junk.When i returned home i tryed to hookup with a girl ,and the first night i went to her apartment i couldnt get an erection.I left home crying not knowing what happend.It was the first time this was happening to me .Went to some doctors who all told me i was ok ,and that it was probably performance anxiety.I got some pils and everything went ok.After we broke up i returned back to my first love,porn.This thing happend for 3-4 time with different girls.I started using sexual performance pills,but after a while that didnt work either (almost end up in hospital for taking too much one night).Now i was sick about this ,i had quite a few embarasing moments and didnt want to go thru this again.Everytime sex ocurred i was stressed ,thinking i could not get hard, that im not man enough and that i should stick to my habbit.These were the toughts i always had when dating.I was terrified when a girld would invite me to her place.So i gave up dating and sticked to porn.I was a hardcore addict,spending nights high on weed or other stuff fapping to sissy/feminization and cock worship porn.I was hooked for good.2 months ago i changed the place i work and meet a cute girl.I knew i couldnt had sex with her but that didnt stoped me to talk to her( i was always good interacting with girls).After a week or two we had a party at work ,i had a couple of drinks and some shots with the guys and stumbled into her who was also kinda tipsy.She invited me to her home.At this point i would usually try to run ,but the alcohol gave me courage.I wasnt using porn or fapping for about two weeks,so i tought everything will be ok.But it was not.I failed to get hard with every help i got.She was ok about it and blame it on the alcohol.I spent the night there and in the morning we tryied again.You already know the result of that,dont you.It killed me ,cuz i knew she wasnt gonna talk to me again,and we had to work together.The second day i found nofap.com and started a 90 day hard mode.Im in my 3rd week and its getting hard,and not down there.Im in a flatline since day 2 and it scares the shit out of me.I actually tryed this before nofap and this was the reason i relapsed,i wanted to see im not impotent.Im still confused about my sexuality and preferences.I dont mind beeing bi,but i want to know its not porn induced.So this is my story i never told anyone till now.Dont judge too hard.