Accidental Hard Mode

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  1. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I just posted this over in the Rebooting in a Relationship forum, but I thought that this might be an appropriate place to get some more feedback as well.

    Just to be clear, I don't think that she is punishing me or consciously withholding intimacy. This is just a symptom of pregnancy on her end. I don't want to change or force her, I just want to change my reaction to the situation. Pregnancy is a rough time for her, but it is tough on me too. She is beautiful normally, but she is the very definition of "pregnancy glow" right now and is drop dead gorgeous. Plus, I suspect that with all the hormones her body is putting off lots of false advertising "pheromones" right now.

    Anyways, does anybody have any suggestions for healthy and natural ways to decrease libido?
     
    Trappist likes this.
  2. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    You have certainly taken a healthy, helpful and mature attitude about your situation. I don’t know that I would add anything to what you have said. A married friend of mine chose to go hard mode for 90 days voluntarily last summer just to help break his dependence on sex. He was already doing no PM, but he and his wife agreed on it and found it very helpful.
     
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  3. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Good idea, though gestation is 280 days not 90 :(

    You seem so honest and thoughtful I'm surprised that these worries get a hold of you, they are clearly not her reason.Is there anything you can do to remind yourself of he real reason, and that none of these self-destructinve worries are true?

    I would talk all ths through with her. Not in a 'this problem needs a solution' way but just sharing your feelings. If she knows that you are struggling, that the glow of pregnancy is making her "drop dead gorgeous", and that you understand why she doesn't feel sexy I'm sure she will be moved. I'm not saying she'll change her mind and want lots of sex but at least you'll have shared the problem and she'll be understanding. That may be enough. It feels like the important thing is to not face depression alone, as that could draw you back to porn. Share your feelings, that's my advice.
     
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  4. Sounds like that communication might or might not
    be responded to
    as much as you like
    now.

    But,

    I would think she would hear it
    and remember it.
    Loudly and clearly.

    A love poem;
    coupon
    for future redemption.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  5. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your thoughtful feedback. I have talked with her some, and while we are kind of still stuck - I am at least in a better and more stable place.

    True, though the real challenges historically have been in the first and "fourth*" trimesters (*the three months after giving birth. It's a real thing that I wish people would have explained to me during our first pregnancy). Another few weeks and we will be comfortably into the second trimester, which is usually much less intense.

    Irrational fears and illogical feelings are sadly irrational and illogical. Part of it is that I crave verbal affirmation, and she isn't very fluent in the "words of affirmation" love language. Without it, the inner voice of insecurity starts to take hold. However, I can hardly complain since her love language is "quality time" and that is something I historically have trouble prioritizing for her.

    I think, borrowing from advice given on another thread, that the best thing for us would be to find ways to deepen intellectual and emotional intimacy while the physical component is temporary off-line. And I have some ideas of how to do it, but we will see what she says.

    She wasn't exactly moved, but she was appreciative and kind, which is all I can hope for at the moment.

    Thank you all again for your feedback.
     
    Trappist likes this.

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