Accountability for All

Accountability - I`m doing just fine. Yesterday I was overtired, depressed and lethargic, I suppose those are withdrawal symptoms. I took notes of all that on my journal. And by the way, I have a negative belief that there`s no way out of the porn trap because there`s triggers everywhere, so I using some tools to turn this negative belief into a positive one. And I`m doing an exercise with my counselor to turn some triggers into something harmless.

 

Checkin'.

 

Day 1
I always feel better when I'm not fapping for any period of time. I also feel more strongly, feel more confident, and have more energy.

I have no idea what to do with myself and I keep relapsing in an attempt to rid myself of all the extra sensations be they stress related or excess energy.

I work out, read, learn, write, meditate, tai chi, and I think I am getting better. I am not too sure.

I am not looking for advice, this post is me venting and checking in.

Good luck.

 

Well, relapsed. But im doing ok!

 

Chekin`
I`m doing okay. I feel stronger than ever (mentally), and disciplined as hell.

 

Checkin
I'm still doin well, taking it one day at a time. What has helped me too is making a playlist and adding a song each day that fits my mood. It's kind of like a journey playlist.

 

Yesterday I had mild relapse, but I stopped at the middle of the process, didn`t jerked off or edged, which I consider a victory.

I had a therapy session with my therapist and he said that we had about 8 sessions, but we`re not getting anywhere. Listening to that was kind difficult for me, because my life is about a limbo, it`s about being stationary even though I try as fuck to move forward, so I thought that with the help of a professional that situation would change, but it`s not working.

 

Checkin'. Had urges to watch porn because I was indirectly triggered to porn. I was having some having withdrawals of boredom and apathetic to do anything productive. So that led to procrastination, hence more buffer to eventually get triggered to a new video game content. That means novelty. My mind was playing games with me to rationalize this shit. In other words give in to the impulsive/compulsive behaviour. Plus adding more to it was the loneliness (being alone in the room) that acts as a dopamine which was also pressing my mind to this shit. I always had this perspective of negative emotions when i am alone rather being pragmatic about it with respect to my mind is subconsciously/internally reacting towards this which is a entirely different story altogether.

Positive feedbacks when i am not fapping is not only interacting with others(verbally or not) but also having more energy to control my impulses of negative emotions or self talk, to escape via buffers through social media, video games etc etc.

 

Yesterday I experience really strong withdrawal symptoms, and I wanted to give in, because of that I called my counselor
and with his pep talk I was able to not give in and keep being strong. He told me to meditate, journal and always remember of my progress and victories. It worked.

 

Checkin'. Today i had urges again in the morning. No so much so that make procrastinate all the way till i relapse but i procastinated. It happens a lot in the morning when my roommate leaves and that dopamine arises again. Still i shouldn't be too negative considering how "much" i felt good with the submitting my assignment by deadline despite being too anxious and stress with doing the task. That positive sensation will remain for the whole day unlike binging any thing(including porn).

 

Checkin

I had urges today due to a storm cloud of depression but I went to the gym and feel a lot better now. Stayin strong!

 

Check in
This is day 1/100, isa

 

Yesterday I started using my digital phone again, after 2 months break, and relapsed. It was a mild relapse, more of a slip, butand I`m fine with it.

I just had an insight - Don`t force the process of change, you should have an action plan and a deadline, but keep in mind the you actually never know when you`re gonna make it. Stands to reason, just keep living your life and one day the victory of being free from porn will arrive. But in the meanwhile you should be doing your very fucking best to win.

 

Checkin'. Had less urges than yesterday. For the first time i had recognised that i actually learned something that i have already skimmed through before but i didn't had any motivation only brain fog and even boredom which i tend to deny for ego at times. I know learning takes time. Time is not a factor but being able to recognise that you had a positive effect by learning gave me some sort of awareness of knowledge.

 

Checkin
I relapsed but that's okay. I made it 5 days I can do better.

 

Check in
This is day 2/100, isa

 

I relapsed yesterday. The despair started to kick in, but then I redirected my thinking to those moments where I was very distraught, the hardest days of my life, I felt strong as fuck.

 

Me too man, same streak followed by a relapse.

Back to square one.

 

Checkin'. Had urges left and right with little to little thoughts today. Had to have more self aware with respect to whats happening with the things that's happening and how it's affecting my emotions. Setbacks are not failures and it's just not about studies or productivity but also about relationships in my opinion.

 

Checking in - I didn't sleep well today, I was extremely hopeless and a bit anxious. So I got up, read my reminders, which says "I won't let this negative thought overtake my thinking". I use that for negative beliefs about my addiction.
EX: I will never overcome por*.
EX: I don't have what it takes to overcome my problems with porn and my problems with my dating life.
EX: I don't have what it takes to become a successful business man.

And then I meditated and wrote on my journal, digging into my feelings to find the underlying emotion, and considering my progress in those areas that my addicted mind says that I'm not making any progress.

Limbo is a word that gives me the creeps, whenever I feel destroyed is probably because I feel like I don't make progress even though I try as fuck. Guess what, it's all bullshit from my fucking head. I WON'T TAKE THIS NO MORE!