Accountability for All

I`m reviewing my Reboot notes every day now to see if I can get back on track. Fortunately, I will.

 

now what? Guess I’m just waiting for the ball to drop. May my employer offer me 5-10k more than their initial offer upon licensure plz

 

Hi there, yesterday I started to pay for the second mentorship of a specialist in social interactions and dating. 4k for four months. I want to save money, but this is essential to my life, it's working so I just keep going.

 

@higor pereira araujo dang 4K is a lot. Hoooo , well if you feel you need it then go ahead I suppose. All that dating social coaching I was into helped me a lot. But honestly it cost me a ton and the most useful thing was a $20 book called “Attached” by emir Levine. That book might’ve been enough honestly haha. Maybe you could find a cheaper way to get yourself a good partner and friends. Just food for thought do what you want

Day 93

haha! I’m on top of the world being at a 90+ streak for the first time in six months. Ahh it feels good kimochi.

May my streak go forever <3

mma class was tough but good read more about zens journey on my journal

 

So it's been a long time since my last post. The holiday was pretty stressful for me, with all the visits of relatives. I didn't make too many mistakes in my recovery, but now I often find myself looking at insta. I think it's because of the boredom/loneliness, as my gf is with her parents for the next few days. I also got the flu, so I guess I'm a bit drained physically and emotionally. Hopefully I can overcome this too. Still after all these days I had dreams about sex/porn last night, it felt horrible thinking that I was relapsing, and it was such a relief to wake up. I should definitely get an accountability partner for times like these, when I don't feel the best, but I guess I was too busy/lazy in the last few days to find someone. Hope you guys are doing excellent.

 

Hello everyone I am journaling after a long time. Today finally I felt good because I not watched porn and tried to do my study. Today I really tried to put efforts which felt good. After a long time i felt content with myself.

 

Checkin'

 

Hey everyone. Missed a week - had a family vacation. Relapsed today Back in the fight.

 

Thanks, man. The thing is, it's helping a lot, but after those 2 months, I'll have to improve by myself.
Props to your 90+ strike man, that's awesome.

 

I'm improving, I started to pray every day, it makes me feel at peace and it destroys hopelessness.

 

Thanks dude I’m glad it’s going well for you. Good luck with it . Hope you find a cutie that’s good to ya

 

Day 94 SR3

Inspired by the courage and dedication of everyone on this forum I’m posting my semen retention date as well now,

I didn’t like posting it as I never go more than a couple weeks before it ends. But I see lots of people trying for a long time within the 14 day period up and down. before achieving long streaks. Y’all aren’t giving up and I’m not either.

So my new years goal is to make a 30 day retention streak let’s go.

 

Hello

It has been a while since I posted here (again!) .. It was very very VERY hard for me this period (around 6 months) .. I thought almost of being helpless .. that no one can help me .. that I became beyond help .. sadness, guilt and grieve were/are my almost constant companions .. I wish someone took away my memories .. and I start clean .. then as always the "good" voice comes to you and tell you "You will not be who you are, if you lost your memories" .. as if I am good like this !! .. I even wished more than once to leave life for good .. still the "good" voice comes to me and tells me that "You are not done yet! Do not give up! You can do it!" .. and that voice gets fought against by some very deep belief inside of me that: "Deep down, I know that I am destined to this suffering " .. well my father had it (beside other addictions) and it got me for over 15 years .. it is sad but I will tell you .. my birthday is around this time .. and for the last maybe 8 years or sth .. I do not remember having a good time in it .. I am actually afraid of it .. It is the time where are holidays .. where you can curl up in your bed, in your room, alone for weeks .. very fertile soil for binging .. you know what really messes me up now ? .. the feeling that deep down I like this suffering .. that great people are destined to suffer .. and they achieve great things while suffering .. it is the elixir of life beyond life .. that if you achieved very few things, they got amplified by your suffering .. it becomes: how could he do that with all of this suffering ? .. It is very good to feel empty .. like now .. I just opened my heart and tried to pour it here .. Hopefully I will continue to post from now on ...

Day 1

 

Checkin'

 

Day 95

so much to expose to

but I know where to start. And I know that it will never end. I embrace that truth. There’s always going to be a new thing for me to face handle and get used to

there are infinite challenges. My aim is to make a list of the ones I find important. Then check that list off focusing one thing at a time till it’s complete. Rinse and repeat

 

Maybe Emptiness is happiness? .. To feel nothing .. No guilt .. No shame .. No worries .. No sadness .. To have no thoughts .. No voices inside your head telling you what to do .. Maybe that is happiness? .. maybe that is peace? .. Interesting that Death is very similar .. but it is to be welcomed when it comes, but not to be visited voluntarily .. I seek peace .. I seek no harm feelings against myself, my family, and everyone in this world .. My heart now is a tomb for such mummies .. and it requires courage to fight them off my own heart .. I never visited a graveyard at night .. maybe it is like that .. that gloomy feeling and silence that makes you hear your own heartbeat .. you become even afraid of your own heart .. ironic, isnt it? .. I am afraid of my own heart! .. I am afraid of the fear that will sweep within .. I am afraid of my own reactions .. Tree leaves falling will get my body warmth to leave me .. Staying sane is really hard in such times .. I don't know what will happen .. I don't know which road I will take .. Binging gives you a program for the night, you know? .. Bing .. watch movie/series .. eat .. Bing .. watch movie/series .. eat ... Bing .. you don't need to think much .. but you know you are losing sth .. it is leaving you very gradually .. you just become shocked weeks from now .. how much you changed ? .. the new dark feelings you have towards yourself and towards others .. maybe it is time to visit graveyards .. and I will start with mine !

Day 2

 

Checkin'.

 

Day 96

well I had two dreams last night my gf was cheating on me. That wasn’t fun.

I tend to have bad dreams when I’m sleeping in bed with her

otherwise I’m fine. Wonder if it’s something to be concerned about or I’m just a light sleeper

 

Checking. Relapsed again. Won't give up.