Accountability for All

Day 12 is almost over. So far so good. Feel urges rising, need to prepare contingency plans.

 

Day 55

Yesterday was a job day. I felt peaceful and calm all day. Whether it was my newfound routine, my abstinence from PMO, my meditation, or all of the above, it sure was working.

Work-out:
I took a long walk in the evening. After that I did my dumbbell work out. Finished it off with 26 push ups.

Netflix:
Watched Sanctuary on Netflix. I stuck to my hour and turned it off. I notice that I find it difficult turning off Netflix or Spotify and that I'm afraid to get bored. I don’t know why I'm afraid, but it feels like I'm missing out on something if I'm bored. It’s probably just my Dopamine Addiction.

Meditation:
I’ve done 3 sessions yesterday evening and spent 30 minutes meditating. I've found a great guide meditation and will continue with that series.

Your Brain On Porn/Study:
There was a post on NoFap that spoke of Dopamine Fasting. This Fapstronaut realized that all of his PMO and non-PMO actions were geared to getting as much Dopamine as possible. After reading the book Dopamine Nation, he decided to detox and to get his Dopamine back to normal. It inspired me.

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/dopamine-fasting-the-scientific-approach.348247/

Sleep:
I started my evening routine very early and was in bed on time. It was great to take the time to just sit in my garden and watch the sunset.

 

Checkin' Still going. For motivation with nofapstraunts fighting urges, triggers and temptations....

 

Day 1 completed.

 

Day 2 - I`m kinda numb. I just failed a lot in life.

 

Day 46. Had a difficult evening yesterday. Being free from P is only half of the battle, the other half being a struggle against the darkness of depression. This is a double edged sword, and it is during my low times that I have always faltered before now, because I lose the will to remain abstinent at these times, forgetting what lead me along this path in the first place. My wife will be away on holiday next week and I am feeling apprehensive about spending the week alone. May it be God's will to banish the darkness and allow me to keep walking this straight path.

"Where the danger lies, there grows the saving power."
Hölderlin.

 

Half-way through day 13. As anticipated, the urges were kicking in. I was able to keep them at bay for long enough to get busy with something else. Some remnants remain, but I'm confident that I'll keep fighting.

 

Day 56

I've felt more peace during the last few days. Less urges and more strength. The thought of PMO already repulses me. But I'm not there yet and still have a long way to go.

Met my GF yesterday and had sex. Didn’t O. No urges the day after. However, my dingdong has become very sensitive. Not painful sensitive, but sensitive in the sense that it doesn’t take long to reach my edge.

Work-out:
I took a walk in the evening, but didn’t do a workout.

Netflix:
Didn’t have the time to watch Netflix as I had many activities yesterday. I think I watched a total of 20 minutes and had a screentime of 2,5 hours.

Meditation:
It was late when I started my meditation, so I only did 20 minutes. 2 sessions this time

Your Brain On Porn/Study:
I mentioned a post yesterday and studied that same post again. Trying to see how my ADHD brain craves Dopamine. And it is in bloody everything. I'm intending to limit it as much as I can, but I will not be hard on myself.

Sleep:
I started my evening routine late, but I was very relaxed in my routine. I guess the intimacy with my GF is making me happy and relaxed

 

Checkin' slipped up today while browsing the internet i have to remain cold for next couple of days.

 

Day 47. Checking in. Feeling more settled today.

 

Day 3 - I'm doing good.

 

Day 13 (actually it was end of day 12) almost ended me. The urges were stronger than usual. My brain was getting especially crafty at convincing me it wasn't just asking for a dopamine rush like a crazed addict , but I held on. Managed to remind myself why I was going and stayed awake for 1:30 hours until I snapped out of my urges (my urges go away the more I am awake). I eventually went back to sleep since prior to that struggle I had only slept 3 hours. When I woke up again the urges subsided to controllable levels.

 

You're doing great. Keep fighting the fight. Show them who's boss.

 

Day 57

More peace was felt yesterday, but also sadness. My GF is helping me where she can, and without her I wouldn’t be able to pull through, but she usually confronts me where I am too easy on myself. It sometimes feels like I can’t do things right and that makes me sad. Sadness is my trigger and I felt an urge to MO upon waking up. Knowing that this sadness creates an urge to (P)MO, I tried to right down what then makes me sad. Acknowledging my feeling helped me letting go of the sadness.

Work-out:
Took a long walk and did an elaborate dumbbell workout. Finished with 36 push-ups. My personal best so far.

Netflix:
Had my parents visiting and moved my Metflix moment to the evening. I have made explicit arrangements with my GF to not Netflix in the evening, as it may cause triggers. Yesterday I forgot and did it anyway.

Meditation:
I did 3 sessions and spent 30 minutes meditating. Felt peaceful after the sessions.

Your Brain On Porn/Study:
Read in the book Your Brain On Porn and it was about recognizing triggers by going into your emotions. I will quote following passage:

When you feel The Urge, ask yourself:
• What emotion am I feeling?
• What time is it?
• Who else is around?
• What did I just do?
• Where am I?
• What could I do instead that would satisfy my needs?

This thinking will already help to create some room in yourself to actually be able to choose. It takes some time before you are able to work with it, but this is really useful.

Sleep:
I went to bed early and was reading a complete chapter of a book I love in bed.

 

Resetting my counter to day 0.

 

Checking in - unfortunately, I relapsed yesterday, despite my best efforts. I won't beat myself up about it, I'll just keep trying to improve.

Having fun:
I watched the new Spider-man movie, and it was extremely awesome, one of the best movies ever made.

 

Good on you! You can begin anew and aim for that 7 day streak.

 

Day 48. Feeling relaxed, tranquil.

 

Day 14 is going well so far. I experienced semen leakage which is weird. I don't think I should be worried, but I'm concerned I might've ruined some nerves down there.

 

That's normal. It's your system that is missing the action. It's priming the pumps and making sure everything works. No worries. Wet dreams are to be anticipated too