Accountability for All

Day 4

Was at school today for a few hours. It was raining heavily so I skipped the gym. They say that the chaser effect lasts for the first 3 days but for me it almost always includes day 4 too. Really bad neck pain today. I decided to order an appointment at the physio therapist. I wont last for another week at school if I dont address it. A girl on the bus touched my leg today. I dont think it was accidental. It triggered me but I cant dwell on it. I was not in a headspace to talk with her.

I am super introverted. Anti social even. I am not even nervous when stuff like this happens because I know I wont act on it.
 
Day 330

Had a quiet day. Spent some time talking to my girl in the evening. After that I went to a meeting and was home rather late. I immediately did my routine and went to bed soon after coming home.

Workout: day 223
My push ups were done.

Walking: day 230
I have taken one quick and one slow walk. Trying to count the minutes in walking now.

Screentime: day 230
2:59 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:10 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 11
Openness is the magic word. We all like to be heard and understood.

Meditation: day 320
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 330
Read in YBOP about the scientific evidence that high speed tube sites destroy our brains. It creates such a rush that the brain cannot find an equal. It is made perfect and therefore it seems very addictive to our poor brains.

Sleep: day 185
Slept late. Slept well

Healthy eating: day 185
No sugar day yesterday. Trying to eat healthy.

Cold showers: day 230
Took 2 cold showers yesterday
 
Day 5

Slow day. I decided to take the day off for the most part. I have been spending a few hours cooking. I am making beef jerky. Spent some time cutting beef and making marinade. It is currently drying in the oven for 4 hours.

Spent 5 minutes doing 3D modelling and 10 minutes on my business. Did my daily Spanish, took a cold shower. Not on the coldest setting but relatively cold. Did the laundry, the dishes, made my bed. I am trying to write down my dreams first thing in the morning but I cant remember a thing. I have a bunch of other habits in my habit tracker. The only thing I really slacked on today was school. Other than that I havent read or meditated but I am going to do both before calling it a day.

I installed some Youtube blockers on my desktop yesterday so that Youtube is blank. I have to search up anything I want to watch. I almost havent used my phone at all today but I am still struggling a little with screen time. It isnt super bad but I want to do better. I think I have wasted around 2 hours in total today but I need a proper way to measure it.
 
Day 331

Picked up my girl before morning rush hour. She worked from my home all day and we talked a lot. We talked about the future of my career and I was not open to it. It took me a lot of energy to take in what my girl told me. I will practice to let it in more easily.

Workout: day 224
My push ups were done.

Walking: day 231
Didn't count the minutes of my walks, but I took my girl to the forest yesterday. We walked there for an hour. I took a walk through the neighborhood in the evening.

Screentime: day 231
1:11 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:06 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 12
Communication is vital. Find ways to honestly communicate to your partner without hurting her feelings. NVC is an awesome tool. It teaches you to stay responsible for your feelings, but to bring it without judgment.

Meditation: day 321
3 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 331
Read in YBOP about the devastating effects of high speed internet porn. It is the time of overconsumption, because this can easily be done with high caloric junk food. The writer says that you can slam down a 32-ounce soft drink and eat a bag of salty nibbles without much thought, but that it is impossible to eat its caloric equivalent in dried venison and boiled roots. Our brain evolved to survive in the world of thousands of years ago when food and mates were scarce. Now it's everywhere.

Sleep: day 186
Slept early. Slept well

Healthy eating: day 186
No sugar day yesterday. Had a great pizza for dinner. Saw that the pizza contained pork, but realized too late that I can't really handle pork anymore.

Cold showers: day 231
Took 1 cold shower yesterday
 
NF SINCE BIRTH said:
Day 5

Slow day. I decided to take the day off for the most part. I have been spending a few hours cooking. I am making beef jerky. Spent some time cutting beef and making marinade. It is currently drying in the oven for 4 hours.

Spent 5 minutes doing 3D modelling and 10 minutes on my business. Did my daily Spanish, took a cold shower. Not on the coldest setting but relatively cold. Did the laundry, the dishes, made my bed. I am trying to write down my dreams first thing in the morning but I cant remember a thing. I have a bunch of other habits in my habit tracker. The only thing I really slacked on today was school. Other than that I havent read or meditated but I am going to do both before calling it a day.

I installed some Youtube blockers on my desktop yesterday so that Youtube is blank. I have to search up anything I want to watch. I almost havent used my phone at all today but I am still struggling a little with screen time. It isnt super bad but I want to do better. I think I have wasted around 2 hours in total today but I need a proper way to measure it.
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Wanted to let you know that I'm reading all the messages you're posting in this thread. I respond if I feel compelled to respond, but I'm nevertheless rooting for you.
 
Day 1

Checking in to keep myself accountable for the rest of the day. I relapsed last night (no P), but I did the full relapse this morning. I have a really bad track record with dealing with the chaser effect so I better not MO in the first place. The triggers I noticed yesterday that I didnt have during the first 4 days was that I had started fantasizing spontaneously. If I indulged in it, I experienced strong urges. The second thing was insomnia so I ended up trying to white knuckle trough. Its not a great strategy. Next time I experience insomnia, I have to get up from bed. Next to 100% of my relapses happen in bed.

Back to the drawing board. I suspect today will be a slow day but it is still early. I crave fast food and all the things that I know isnt good for me. Really bad neck pain. It is so bad that all I really want to do is to sleep all day. I have more or less stopped taking painkillers as they arent really working but I need to find some way of dealing with it. Treatment is expensive so I am hesitant calling around but I think I have to do it. The cost of lying in bed complaining about my pain is far greater than doing something about it.

To do list for the day:

- Meditate -Do the laundry -Make beef jerky - Warm up a pillow - 5 min business - 5 min Blender software - 5 min Spanish - Learn one new word of advanced English - Read 5 pages - Open my Genetics book and look at next weeks assignment -Write down 5 things I am grateful for.

Edit: Just wanted to add that I am printing out a spreadsheet for March. I read a long article a while ago about why spreadsheets may be superior to a streak counter. I will be using both but since I am struggling getting a proper streak running, I am putting my focus on keeping the number of relapses down rather than getting to x amount of days clean.
 
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Day 332

Had a sort of busy day traveling and visiting my grandma. She had her birthday party and her brothers/sister who were still alive came, her fellow residents of the retirement home where she resides were there, and all the aunts and uncles on my mother's side were there.

Workout: day 225
My push ups were done. Will do workout today.

Walking: day 232
Took a 17 min walk yesterday evening.

Screentime: day 232
1:15 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:09 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 13
Find ways to openly communicate to your partner. That is difficult because we are not always in the best of ourselves. Try to put our own feelings second and, for a moment, completely focus on the other.

Meditation: day 322
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 332
Read in YBOP about the effects of internet porn on our mental health. We can become anxious, depressed and confused when we douse ourselves in internet porn. It has been proven by many fapstronauts that a reboot of at least 90 days helps to become less depressed, less anxious and more happy with life.

Sleep: day 187
Slept early. Slept well. Slight neck ache

Healthy eating: day 187
Had a sugar day yesterday. I had a piece of birthday cake and some raisin cookies.

Cold showers: day 232
Took 1 cold shower yesterday
 
Day 2

I was invited to a party yesterday which I almost forgot. It was one of the rare good parties that fits my personality. Not too loud music and easy to talk with people. It was my first time drinking in almost a month. I dont really enjoy it but the occassional party is probably fair. A girl at the party was hitting on me all night and to be honest, she was quite attractive. But I am basically asexual at this current stage of my recovery so nothing happened other than me getting sexually frustrated when I got back home.

This may be an argument against me partying too much during reboot. Keeping sex as an option is a slippery slope. Today I have been struggling with urges and fantasies connected to yesterdays events. The end game is to replace PMO with real human connections but I need to be mindful about how different events are going to affect me. Alcohol as well. It clouds my judgement and makes me more likely to relapse both the day I drink and the day after.
 
NF SINCE BIRTH said:
Day 2

I was invited to a party yesterday which I almost forgot. It was one of the rare good parties that fits my personality. Not too loud music and easy to talk with people. It was my first time drinking in almost a month. I dont really enjoy it but the occassional party is probably fair. A girl at the party was hitting on me all night and to be honest, she was quite attractive. But I am basically asexual at this current stage of my recovery so nothing happened other than me getting sexually frustrated when I got back home.

This may be an argument against me partying too much during reboot. Keeping sex as an option is a slippery slope. Today I have been struggling with urges and fantasies connected to yesterdays events. The end game is to replace PMO with real human connections but I need to be mindful about how different events are going to affect me. Alcohol as well. It clouds my judgement and makes me more likely to relapse both the day I drink and the day after.
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I've stopped drinking alcohol already some time before starting this process. Alcohol consumption easily leads me to relapse so it's just not working for me. It also doesn't work well with my ADHD
 
Day 3-3-3

Visited my brother yesterday as it was his birthday. Saw my mom and dad again. It was good to celebrate his birthday and to spend time with them all.

Workout: day 226
My push ups were done. Plan to workout today.

Walking: day 233
Took a 10 min walk yesterday evening. Was home late.

Screentime: day 233
1:18 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:08 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 14
I sound like a broken record, but openness in communication is most important. Openness however comes from both ways. So there is not only the openness of hearing something, but it must be accompanied with the openness of seeing someone anew.

Meditation: day 323
3 sessions. 25 minutes.

PMO study: day 333
Didn't read yesterday but I just picked up YBOP. It spoke about the numerous studies done to prove that sex and porn addiction is real. It really hijacks your reward center and puts your Dopamine through the roof. As your Dopamine receptors decrease, you need more to feel this good. That's why it is very difficult to go through the first few days of reboot, as your brain wants its fix back.

Sleep: day 188
Slept early. Slept well.

Healthy eating: day 188
Had a sugar day yesterday. I had a piece of birthday cake, m&ms and some liquorice. Will probably skip my sugar day today.

Cold showers: day 233
Took 2 cold showers yesterday
 
Day 334

Had a sort of sex dream. Didn't have a nocturnal emission. No idea where it came from, as I don't fantasize and don't do anything remotely relating to anything that might trigger me. So I don't watch YT, Netflix, TV and any other moving images.

Had a good day yesterday in which I called my girl about my business coaching appointment today. It will be the last of six sessions and it was required to have finished a logo, website etc. However, my girl helped me pivot my idea to a different customer group. This means that it is good that I haven't made anything yet. The new pivot will help me greatly, as it takes into account my PMO process and will focus on performing tasks for government instances instead of targeting ambitious business professionals. Government instances are much easier to gain entry into than in the businesses of ambitious business people.

Workout: day 227
My push ups and workout were done. Took the bike to the supermarket today.

Walking: day 234
Took two 17+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening.

Screentime: day 234
3:41 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 1:01 hours (yikes) on the Internet (responding to Fapstronauts, looking for a crosstrainer online, looking on my cousin's site during the call with my girl to see that this is similar to where I want to go with my business, looked on a site that makes business games in order to let my idea be developed into a game)

Lying: day 15
If you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always gotten. This is absolutely true. If you complete the circle, you could even say that ‘when you get what you've always gotten, you will do what you've always done’. When external circumstances change, it is easier to feel different than when you did before. Be open that your partner cab sweep you off your feet.

Meditation: day 324
4 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 334
Read in YBOP in the many stories how a (short) reboot has given people their life back. They could taper off of PMO completely, fixed their DE issues and had more confidence. These aren't super powers, but are your natural powers. Your natural confidence will show when you don't fill yourself up with other things.

Sleep: day 189
Slept early. Slept well. Nice

Healthy eating: day 189
Had an official sugar day yesterday, but didn't feel the urge to eat sugar. I had sugar Sunday and I apparently didn't have the craving for it. That's a good sign.

Cold showers: day 234
Took 2 cold showers yesterday
 
Day 4

I was too busy yesterday to check in. Had to go to school early so went straight to sleep when I got back home. Struggled sleeping. Insomnia seems to arrive at day 4 consistently. I took a cold shower and managed better than last time. I was at school for 9 hours today. I was going to stay for one more hour but my consentration eventually went below zero and I started feeling physically ill so I called it a day. Need to moderate myself more next week.

Went to yoga yesterday and it is staring to become a new favorite activity of mine. It helps a bit on my aches and feels like a social activity even though I dont really talk to anyone. Tomorrow I am going to yoga and meditation for two hours.

I started feeling a bit down towards the end of my school day. It is something weird going on in class. I am getting strong eye contact with most girls I encounter during the day and its not because of Nofap. It must be by weight loss recently. I dont feel different at all but people notice me a lot more. I didnt feel unpopular before although I always regretted being introverted and never taking action whenever someone showed interest. But now its of a different magnitude. It feels like everyone sees me. And I seem to miss cool interactions left and right because I am still hiding in my shell. A girl walking past me and doing a double take here and someone orbiting close to me there. One such situation every now and then is probably normal but now it happens multiple times a day. I feel pretty bad for not taking action in many of those situations.

But I trust in the proccess this time. The first stage I guess is that the brain fog lifts and I start seeing what is actually happening around me. Then I believe I will find the motivation to talk to people soon enough.
 
NF SINCE BIRTH said:
Day 4

I was too busy yesterday to check in. Had to go to school early so went straight to sleep when I got back home. Struggled sleeping. Insomnia seems to arrive at day 4 consistently. I took a cold shower and managed better than last time. I was at school for 9 hours today. I was going to stay for one more hour but my consentration eventually went below zero and I started feeling physically ill so I called it a day. Need to moderate myself more next week.

Went to yoga yesterday and it is staring to become a new favorite activity of mine. It helps a bit on my aches and feels like a social activity even though I dont really talk to anyone. Tomorrow I am going to yoga and meditation for two hours.

I started feeling a bit down towards the end of my school day. It is something weird going on in class. I am getting strong eye contact with most girls I encounter during the day and its not because of Nofap. It must be by weight loss recently. I dont feel different at all but people notice me a lot more. I didnt feel unpopular before although I always regretted being introverted and never taking action whenever someone showed interest. But now its of a different magnitude. It feels like everyone sees me. And I seem to miss cool interactions left and right because I am still hiding in my shell. A girl walking past me and doing a double take here and someone orbiting close to me there. One such situation every now and then is probably normal but now it happens multiple times a day. I feel pretty bad for not taking action in many of those situations.

But I trust in the proccess this time. The first stage I guess is that the brain fog lifts and I start seeing what is actually happening around me. Then I believe I will find the motivation to talk to people soon enough.
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First stage can be lifting of brain fog, and it is probably different for everyone. I have experienced lifting of brain fog, better mood, more energy, more calm. Keep going
 
Day 335

Had my last coaching session yesterday from my business coach. In the past 6 - 7 months I thought up an idea and gave it hands and feet with the help of the coach and my girl. I eventually pivoted towards a more safe target group and a safe way of working so I don't jeopardize my PMO process. I don't want to lose everything that I have built up

Workout: day 228
My push ups were done, but not so many. Had a bit of pain in my elbow.

Walking: day 235
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening.

Screentime: day 235
0:50 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:07 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 16
Be open that your partner doesn't see things the way you do. They usually see more and have different kinds of experience so that they can help you in many facets. Allow them to help you, so that you can come out stronger. Also allow them to bridge their experience to you. It, in first instance, might seem unimportant, but find ways to relate it to.what you're in.

Meditation: day 325
4 sessions. 45 minutes.

PMO study: day 335
Read in YBOP about whether PMO is because of our horniness or not. It has been proven that PMO usage doesn't have anything to do with a high libido. PMO use often results in loss of interest for partnered sex, while someone with a high libido will want to have more partnered sex with your fixed partner. Don't confuse it with a sex addiction, where you find many novel sex partners. This is also the addiction speaking, and not necessarily a high libido.

Sleep: day 190
Slept like a King.

Healthy eating: day 190
No sugar day. Finished a bit of curry for dinner.

Cold showers: day 235
Took 2 cold showers yesterday
 
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Day 336

Yesterday was a day where I worked on my resume so that I can apply for jobs in the near future. This, ofcourse, with help from my girl who will help me review whether a job opening will be okay for me and my process.

Workout: day 229
Did my pushups and my workout.

Walking: day 236
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening.

Screentime: day 236
3:16 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:46 hours on the Internet (looking for a recipe, translating Turkish for my Turkish lesson, looking for a new induction stove as my current induction stove seems to get air bubbles under the glass)

Lying: day 17
Be open to what your partner has to say. Don't just swallow what she says, but take it in and bring out what you think.

Meditation: day 326
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 336
Read in YBOP about the escalation of genres. Our brain can't handle the surplus of stimuli, as it has evolved in a very scarce environment. Whenever there is a surplus of anything, our brains are wired to ‘get it while the getting is good’. Be it with food, sex or anything else.

Sleep: day 191
Slept like a King. And slept early.

Healthy eating: day 191
No sugar day. Made a very elaborate and difficult dish with sticky cauliflower. Not tasty and not worth it.

Cold showers: day 236
Took 2 cold showers yesterday
 
Day 6

Went to yoga and meditation yesterday. 2 hours in total. I was so tired afterwards that I ended up sleeping 11 hours this morning. I decided to sit less isolated in class today and ended up chatting with the people in front of me. A goal of mine is to socialize more. Walked around 9,000 steps today and over 11,000 yesterday. I dont have any particular goal other than loosing more weight and walking a lot helps just as much as my diet. My scale showed 105.6kg today and I have been on a plateu for around a month. Started the week at 107.5kg and my goal is 105kg by weeks end. Its still up a little compared to my lowest "score" which is 103.9kg from a few weeks back.
 
Day 337

Yesterday I finished my resume and I had fun doing so. I put some creativity in it and I enjoyed it. My girl gave me some tips, so I still need to make a few tweaks.

Workout: day 230
Did my pushups, burpees and my workout!

Walking: day 237
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening. And I did a 5 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 237
4:28 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:06 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 18
Your partner will tell you what she expects of you. Be gentle with her, but speak your mind. Remember that she is probably scarred by your acting out, so she can have some severe reactions on certain areas.

Meditation: day 327
4 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 337
Read in YBOP about Dopamine and DeltaFosB. DeltaFosB is released in the brain when an activity that produces Dopamine has been done. You do PMO and DeltaFosB is released to fortify the neural connections that have led to this action. That's why it is so difficult to quit doing PMO. You might want to quit, but your brain has made many connections to sustain this behavior because it feels good. You need to really dive deep to stop feeding these connections.

Sleep: day 192
Slept like a King and slept early.

Healthy eating: day 192
No sugar day. Ate leftover sticky cauliflower with soy sauce and some meat. It was a million times better than before.

Cold showers: day 237
Took 2 cold showers yesterday. I notice I can turn the dial colder more easily. It takes less effort.
 
Day 1

Nothing much to say. The weekend depression crept in on me. I had already decided not to do much this weekend. No school this Friday. Those three days seemed like an eternity last night. I made more or less the same mistake as last time I relapsed. I was in bed once again. I absolutely need to get out of bed if I find myself in a similar situation in the future. I can promise myself all I want that this time or next time will be different but when I lie in bed late at night and the negative thoughts creep in, I will give in sooner or later unless I get up and spend some time in a different room. The urges usually either go away or become manageable if I stay out of bed. If I am not falling asleep right away, I need to get up.

Its a certain sense of desperation. I am sexually frustrated and feel lonely. Those emotions stack up and hit me at night. It is worse during weekends than on week days.
 
For some reason, I forgot to post my post this morning. I typed it, but I forgot to put it on NF. Here it is nevertheless

Day 338

Yesterday I picked up my girl before morning rush hour and she worked the whole day from my home. Whenever she is at my place, I forget to meditate and do other things. I worked on her resume as she will start to look for jobs within or outside of the organization she works for now.

Workout: day 231
Did my pushups and burpees. Want to try to do 40 pushups before my showers.

Walking: day 238
Took two 20+ min walks yesterday afternoon/evening. And I did a 5 min bike ride. My girl didn't join me.

Screentime: day 238
1:13 hours on Whatsapp (chatting/calling with my girlfriend) and 0:05 hours on the Internet

Lying: day 19
Swallow sometimes what your partner says. However, don't let it get at the cost of your sanity. Speak if you have something to say. You can try to bring things out a bit more gently, but it is most important that you bring them out. You polish your words along the way.

Meditation: day 328
3 sessions. 20 minutes.

PMO study: day 338
Read in NVC: a language of life; Companion workbook. Our language is usually very descriptive, but not inclusive of our emotions. And whenever someone includes their emotions, it can actually be very frightening. For example, when someone speaks out about ‘bad’ feelings, we usually think that we caused it. We need to relearn this, because that is not the case. They caused it in them and we caused it in us. NVC teaches us to be responsible for our own feelings and to communicate it as such.

Sleep: day 193
Slept well and slept early.

Healthy eating: day 193
Sugar day. Ate 2 KitKats and some Cookie Dough bites. Had enough sugar for the day.

Cold showers: day 238
Took 2 cold showers yesterday.
 
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