Accountability for All

Day 403

I need to turn the dials a bit. My girl had a lot of points of improvement for me yesterday, so I'm critical towards myself. I know she means well, so I'll try to work with it.

Went to my parents for mother's day and forgot the gifts I bought her. I was hyperfocused to get my dish ready. The dish took me 2 hours to make and I forgot the world around me. Afterwards I forgot to call my girl, I forgot to ask her how she was doing and I didn't really take her along in the mother's day party with my whole family.

Workout: day 296
No push ups yesterday, as it was a rest day. I did do my workout though.

Walking: day 303
I only took a 25+ min walk in the evening.

Screentime: day 303
3:28 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 0:12 hours on the Internet (following a recipe)

Lying: day 16
Keep an eye on your partner. Hyperfocus can feel very good, but you need to keep one eye on your partner. Especially if you are already in tough weather.

Meditation: day 393
3 sessions. 62 minutes.

PMO study: day 403
Read in Worthy of her Trust about the different kinds of intimacy. The writer lists the following kinds:
  • Intellectual intimacy; how you think about things
  • Emotional intimacy; how you feel about things and for who you feel what
  • Spiritual intimacy; if you're religious then this is where you share your devotional insights
  • Proximal intimacy; where you are physically close to your partner
  • Physical intimacy (excl. sex); physical touching, holding hands, giving massages
  • Physical intimacy (sex); physical sex
So being intimate is not only having sex. In the beginning of betrayal, the partner can be averse to physical and sexual intimacy. This can be built up again by investing in the other types of intimacy and really share parts of yourself in there.

Sleep: day 259
Slept not very well, because the neckache is back.

Healthy eating: day 259
Had a sugar day yesterday instead of today. Had a piece of cake.

Cold showers: day 303
Took one cold shower. I need to see whether I do this today, because of the neckache.
 
TheBluePrint said:
I noticed when I did break my streak I didn’t last long like the session was very very quick, how can I prevent that if I happened to find a partner?
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When you don't continually death grip your dong, it will regain its sensitivity. It first will be very sensitive and it will balance out when you keep going long enough. It's a good thing!

If you find a partner and you fear that this might become a thing, tell her when you are getting closer with her: 'Listen, I need to tell you something. I've stopped masturbating a while ago and I am really sensitive down there. I like you very much and I want to go further, but do you mind if we go a bit slower?' They will probably don't mind at all and may even find it cute.
 
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Day 404

Had an okay day yesterday, but spoke with my girl about something my aunt told me at the mother's day party. I told my father something and he told that to my aunt. It is something private and other people don't necessarily need to know. I called my father yesterday about it and he responded very defensively, but as soon as I let my guard down and applied the tools of NVC, he was able to relax a bit.

Workout: day 297
Did my push ups yesterday. I did do my workout.

Walking: day 304
I took a 25+ min walk in the afternoon and a 25+ min walk in the evening. Did my 8 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 304
3:44 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 1:06 hours on the Internet (following a recipe, responding on NF)

Lying: day 17
Keep talking to your partner and stay in contact with her. If you don't like what she says, keep on listening to her.

Meditation: day 394
3 sessions. 50 minutes.

PMO study: day 404
Read in Worthy of her Trust about accountability. The writer says that accountability with a group of men can be one of the best ways to rebuild trust with your partner. Whenever your partner doubts your progress, they always have a group of men to call. That group of men can assure your partner that you are on the right track.

Sleep: day 260
Slept not very well, because of a neck ache.

Healthy eating: day 260
No sugar day. Cooked a healthy dish with chicken and green beans.

Cold showers: day 304
2 cold showers were taken. Neck ache is back, but I can probably do a lot of damage control with my exercises.
 
JoeBimbo said:
You speak of not being able to sit with your emotions. You say that you feel all this and that it usually leads you to PMO. I recognize this so much, and want to start by saying that it is already a great step to see what is going on in you. It is often a mix of very overwhelming feelings which you earlier would stow away. We addicts haven't had the opportunity to process our feelings properly, as we were probably very young when we became addicted. I was 10 when I discovered porn (I'm 34 now) and used it to run away from the hurt I experienced in my family. I didn't feel wanted, as my parents were busy taking care of my autistic little brother. I also think my father unknowingly kind of shirked his responsibilities of protecting me, as he was emotionally unavailable.

I think it is important to get know your story. You can share it with us, or you can write it down in a private journal. I would recommend finding a counselor or psychiatrist who is specialized in this matter, so they can speak about your feelings and how this resulted in an addiction. My experience is that when your feelings are being acknowledged, there is an enormous relieve.

But lets go back to the moment you described in which you felt overwhelmed, scared, angry and impatient. There are certain things you can do in that moment:
  • Write down for yourself on a piece of paper what you feel. It always does me well to get all the hurt out of me.
  • Speak to a friend or family member you have already told this. It is great to speak this out.
  • Go out for a walk
  • Do a bit of exercise
  • Read a book
  • Don't scroll on the Internet, because your addiction will probably try to take over somehow.
Please let us know if this helps you! I think it is great that you shared it with us, because we are in this together.

Wishing you all the strength
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I am sad to hear about your experiences growing up. Those sound painful. Glad that you have been able to make progress in healing.

I am finding therapy very helpful in this matter myself and have started journaling. Yesterday in particular was meaningful as I was able to uncover and express some of my fears around money, survival, and invalidation. Thank you for inviting me to share further here. I think it could be helpful as well as would your other suggestions especially going for a walk.

I am really struggling with feeling invalidate due to not being able to succeed academically, professionally/financially, and socially (being recognized and affirmed/validated) it seems that no matter how much I acknowledge this and express it, the desire/burning does not seem to go away much. I think it is because I learned to reject myself through bullying and I'm not sure how to accept and love myself now or even sure if I ever could ever again and this is really scary and keeps the feelings of hurt active and strong... I'm also really worried about money as my emotional and physical incapacitation (psychosomatic and otherwise) have kept me from being productive and I'm facing some financial difficulties as my main checking account/savings are starting to dwindle and I may have to tap into retirement funds soon...

It helps to release this some, I think I'm going to apply for some retail jobs until I can get myself a little more stable (maybe something physical that involves a lot of movement)

Thanks to whoever reads this, its helpful to know I can express this hurt, and anger, and grief
 
JoeBimbo said:
Day 404

Had an okay day yesterday, but spoke with my girl about something my aunt told me at the mother's day party. I told my father something and he told that to my aunt. It is something private and other people don't necessarily need to know. I called my father yesterday about it and he responded very defensively, but as soon as I let my guard down and applied the tools of NVC, he was able to relax a bit.

Workout: day 297
Did my push ups yesterday. I did do my workout.

Walking: day 304
I took a 25+ min walk in the afternoon and a 25+ min walk in the evening. Did my 8 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 304
3:44 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 1:06 hours on the Internet (following a recipe, responding on NF)

Lying: day 17
Keep talking to your partner and stay in contact with her. If you don't like what she says, keep on listening to her.

Meditation: day 394
3 sessions. 50 minutes.

PMO study: day 404
Read in Worthy of her Trust about accountability. The writer says that accountability with a group of men can be one of the best ways to rebuild trust with your partner. Whenever your partner doubts your progress, they always have a group of men to call. That group of men can assure your partner that you are on the right track.

Sleep: day 260
Slept not very well, because of a neck ache.

Healthy eating: day 260
No sugar day. Cooked a healthy dish with chicken and green beans.

Cold showers: day 304
2 cold showers were taken. Neck ache is back, but I can probably do a lot of damage control with my exercises.
Click to expand...

Good on your for being able to apply the NVC with your father when it felt that he had erred and was being defensive about it... that takes strength!
Sorry to hear that your neck is hurting, hope that you get some relief soon and are able to sleep better again. I know that you mentioned exercises for it, Are you taking any medicines as well. You may already bey familiar with Arnica (but just in case you haven't heard of it, its supposed to help with pain). There is also a type of Ayurvedic Oil (Balaswaghandadi sold by Kerala Ayurvedic) that can be helpful.
 
Sam78 said:
I am sad to hear about your experiences growing up. Those sound painful. Glad that you have been able to make progress in healing.

I am finding therapy very helpful in this matter myself and have started journaling. Yesterday in particular was meaningful as I was able to uncover and express some of my fears around money, survival, and invalidation. Thank you for inviting me to share further here. I think it could be helpful as well as would your other suggestions especially going for a walk.

I am really struggling with feeling invalidate due to not being able to succeed academically, professionally/financially, and socially (being recognized and affirmed/validated) it seems that no matter how much I acknowledge this and express it, the desire/burning does not seem to go away much. I think it is because I learned to reject myself through bullying and I'm not sure how to accept and love myself now or even sure if I ever could ever again and this is really scary and keeps the feelings of hurt active and strong... I'm also really worried about money as my emotional and physical incapacitation (psychosomatic and otherwise) have kept me from being productive and I'm facing some financial difficulties as my main checking account/savings are starting to dwindle and I may have to tap into retirement funds soon...

It helps to release this some, I think I'm going to apply for some retail jobs until I can get myself a little more stable (maybe something physical that involves a lot of movement)

Thanks to whoever reads this, its helpful to know I can express this hurt, and anger, and grief
Click to expand...
I'm sure we all have our fair share of past hurt (Not trying to generalize your specific history). I'm also confident that we are (in time) able to see it, acknowledge it and able to let it go. Perhaps it doesn't feel like it yet, but it maybe needs something that you don't sense yet. I read the fear that the incapacitation causes in you and I would consider this in itself a big trigger. The feelings that are caused by feeling not academically/professionally, financially, and socially adequate are causing all kinds of upset that you run away for in PMO. I, of course, have not lived your life and do not know the struggles you have had, but I have had lots of moments where I was struggling academically, professionally, financially and socially.

I don't know whether the therapist gave any exercises to rewrite the thoughts that cross your head, but that has helped me tremendously so far in being able to let some of it go.

I also think it is great that you are looking into retail jobs you can do to make a living. It is hard work, but doing it to earn your wage is honorable in itself.
 
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Day 405

Had an okay day yesterday. It was hot outside, but I managed to keep the house at a decent temperature. I had an intake for an Emotional Regulation group at my therapist's office. The intake went well and the group will start in two weeks. I'm not sure whether I want to follow the entire length of this group, as the whole group process will take eleven weeks. Let's see.

Workout: day 298
Did my push ups yesterday. No workout..

Walking: day 305
I took a 15+ min walk in the afternoon and a 27+ min walk in the evening. Did my 8 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 305
2:40 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 0:49 hours on the Internet (following a recipe, responding on NF)

Lying: day 18
You're always in a great mood of course, but have a small contingency plan in mind when sh!t hits the fan. You might be full of energy after your last therapy session, but your partner may feel heavily irritated for leaving certain things out in your contact with the therapist. If you start to get irritated, irked, frustrated, etc., and can't navigate the conversation into clear waters, simply say: ‘Sweety, I start to feel [feeling] and I feel like I can't get out of it anymore at the moment. I need us to call back at a later time. Maybe around [time]. Are you willing to do this?’ My experience has been really good with it as you have recognized that this specific fight will turn ugly and will have no winners anymore. Your partner will thank you for not giving her a harder time than you already did, and to take responsibility for your feelings.

Meditation: day 395
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 405
Read in Worthy of her Trust about accountability. The writer says that he would meet with his accountability group first thing in the morning once a week and would meet at a diner where they could freely talk. The flow of information between all would help the one in need to get out of the mud.

Sleep: day 261
Slept okay and i'm feeling reasonably okay.

Healthy eating: day 261
No sugar day. Had leftovers from the day before and cooked an egg wrap with salmon.

Cold showers: day 305
2 lukewarm showers. @Sam78, thanks for the recommendation concerning the medicine! I will look into it.
 
Day 406

Was able to be proactive and take my girl along yesterday. She had a wonderful day, but she was tired from all the (family) appointments she had to attend. She will fly to a different part of the country today and enjoy the sunshine and beaches there.

Workout: day 299
Did my push ups yesterday. Did a leg workout.

Walking: day 306
I took a 25+ min walk in the afternoon and a 25+ min walk in the evening. It's going well! Did my 8 min bike ride, but noticed that my tire is usually flat. Went to the bike repair shop, but all seemed to be okay.

Screentime: day 306
3:49 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 0:19 hours on the Internet (tracking what my girl is doing on my Google account as a joke, translating Turkish)

Lying: day 19
Take your partner along on what you do. Make her a part of your day. Say what you are doing, when you are doing it and how you feel doing it. I notice that many of my problems stem from not taking my girl along and not sharing my feelings with her. When I do, I hear many times how much she enjoys becoming a part of my life.

Meditation: day 396
4 sessions. 65 minutes.

PMO study: day 406
Read in YBOP about the massive studies done about the influence of regular consumption of internet porn on sexual ailments. Many men below 50 are reported to have ED and are freaking out. When they look closely at their sexual habits, they find out that regular, partnered sex doesn't get them erect. Novel internet porn however does. In this case, the brain is linked to the dopamine obtained from porn for sexual gratification instead of the natural Dopamine released from ‘regular’ partnered sex.

Sleep: day 262
Slept okay and neckache is a bit less.

Healthy eating: day 262
No sugar day. Cooked a rice dish from the supermarket but didn't really like it. It was spicy, but didn't really have any other flavor except for spicy.

Cold showers: day 306
2 lukewarm showers were taken
 
Day 407

My girl had a full day yesterday and had to travel a lot, but her mood lightened when she saw my messages. She saw a responsible and sensible man who wants to make himself part of her life. Even while she is away

Workout: day 300
Did my push ups yesterday. No workout as my body was still a bit tired from the previous days.

Walking: day 307
I took a 25+ min walk in the afternoon and a 25+ min walk in the evening. Again! Still going well. Even did my 8 min bike ride and my bike seems alright.

Screentime: day 307
2:42 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 0:30 hours on the Internet (following a new recipw, translating Turkish)

Lying: day 20
Send your partner small messages so that she knows that she is on your mind throughout the day. You're not checking off a checklist, but you are thinking about her. You are also showing her that she is a part of your day.

Meditation: day 397
3 sessions. 62 minutes.

PMO study: day 407
Read in Help.Her.Heal about triggers that may occur. The addict can feel shame for having treated his partner in this way. The book says that it is a gradual process to reduce shame to guilt. Shame is believing you are bad. Guilt is believing you did something bad. For the human, guilt is also not per se a healthy emotion to process, but you work your way to reconcile with your past and go into the future.

Sleep: day 263
Slept on time and slept well!

Healthy eating: day 263
No sugar day. Had leftovers from 2 days ago. Put in a but more salt and the dish was now okay.

Cold showers: day 307
2 lukewarm showers were taken. Feel a bit more confident about my neck today and will go a bit colder.
 
Day 408

Had a good day yesterday and my girl had a good day at the new resort. She showed me the buffet, the beach and the gym and she is coming to rest. She wanted to attend a party yesterday, but her brother went to bed. In the end she didn't feel safe to be there as a woman alone and left.

Workout: day 301
Did my push ups yesterday and an arms workout.

Walking: day 308
I took a 25+ min walk in the afternoon and a 15 min walk in the evening. Again! Did my 8 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 308
4:01 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 0:21 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish)

Lying: day 21
Be loving and accepting towards your partner so that she knows that you care about her. It's the small actions in which you can show that you care.

Meditation: day 398
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 408
Read in NVC about resolving conflict in a mediation setting. There can be many emotions involved that need to get out of the way first. It is usually not good to resort to physical force to bring across a point, unless there is an imminent threat. There are so many other options to bring across a point then to resort to violence.

Sleep: day 264
Slept on time and slept well! A bit less neck pain

Healthy eating: day 264
Had a sugar day and had some delicious cookies. However, I figured out that I ate 1000 kcal worth of cookies yesterday! Try to eat less next sugar day.

Cold showers: day 308
2 lukewarm showers were taken.
 
Day 409

It seems like my girl is really enjoying the resort life. She comes to rest when basking in the sun, swimming in the sea and eating from delicious buffets. We called yesterday. I went to a nearby city to buy her a present and sat on a terrace taking the sunlight in. I used to be nervous and insecure on a busy terrace, but I was calm and collected yesterday.

Workout: day 302
Did my push ups yesterday, but no workout.

Walking: day 309
I took a long stroll through the city in the afternoon and a 25+ min walk in the evening. Did my 8 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 309
4:20 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 0:12 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish, ordering food on the terrace)

Lying: day 22
Be available when your girl needs you. Don't give any excuses, but make yourself available to speak to her whenever she wants to call with you. It is her way to include you into her life.

Meditation: day 399
3 sessions. 65 minutes.

PMO study: day 409
Read in Worthy of her Trust about the myths of overcoming addiction. It happens all too often that a man can't get it up when he is secretly suffering from his P addiction, and that he blames the woman for not being more [fill in the blank]. The woman might be susceptible to this and change to be able to become a better partner in the bedroom. She might then try to be something she's not, in order to win your approval. The writer says that this makes the partner more confused.

Sleep: day 265
Slept a bit late, but slept okay. Didn't do my neck exercises and feel the difference.

Healthy eating: day 265
No sugar day. Ate a sandwich for breakfast and lunch. Ate chicken with broccoli and cauliflower rice for dinner. Was deliciously ketogenic.

Cold showers: day 309
2 lukewarm showers were taken.
 
Day 410

I again looked with joy to my girl when I saw her on the videocall. It was great to see her so happy and relaxed on the seaside. She had a great last day and will return home today.

I also had a great day yesterday and had a feline visitor in my garden yesterday. He was waiting for me and came in as soon as I opened the backdoor. He stayed around for a few hours and we cuddled. When he started hunting the birds that frequent my garden, I had enough of him. Don't know where the cat comes from, but I have seen him around my garden frequently

Workout: day 303
No push ups yesterday, as it was a rest day. Did do my shoulder workout though. I'm hoping I can buy new dumbbells soon.

Walking: day 310
I took a walk in the forest in the afternoon and a 25+ min walk in the evening. Also still did my 8 min bike ride.

Screentime: day 310
3:49 hours on Whatsapp (videocalling with my girlfriend) and 0:11 hours on the Internet (translating Turkish)

Lying: day 23
Speak sweetly to your girl. When you are in a tough situation with your partner, it is very important to approach your partner with all the love and care you can muster.

Meditation: day 400
3 sessions. 60 minutes.

PMO study: day 410
Read in NVC and finished the book. The writer spoke about inner conflict resolution and that it us very well possible to write down the feelings and needs we feel conflicting in ourselves. These conflicting feelings and needs can sometimes surface as depression. We can then first write down which voices we can see and then translate them in NVC.

Sleep: day 266
Slept a bit late, as I was still talking to my girl.

Healthy eating: day 266
No sugar day. Ate a sandwich for breakfast and scrambled eggs for lunch. Ate a keto meal for dinner.

Cold showers: day 310
I have taken 2 lukewarm showers, because my neck is still not painfree.
 
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