Accountability Group for 20s/30s M

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by Accountability Bud, Jan 30, 2020.

  1. Basilio

    Basilio Fapstronaut

    1) Yes we are good friends, and I've tried explaining it to him, but I guess I need to go into more depth about it with him if something like that happens again. I have mentioned to him that this is a problem for many guys, and I know he watches porn quite often, but the conversation hasn't gone past that.

    2) No, I don't think the pleasures of M is worth the risk... you're right. It's a great question that you ask. I'll have to do more introspection on this as I am starting to realize more and more how P and M are so woven together for me. Its been very tough for me to separate the two because they've always felt synonymous to me.

    I appreciate the feedback @tedy26!
    Yes, I agree with you about telling him how I feel about the situation. Putting him in my shoes, and asking why he is showing me this material in the first place.

    I'm glad you didn't relate to my second spoiler! lol. That's a once in a blue moon situation... fortunately.

    For the last point, I'm actually pretty good with eye contact. I generally make eye contact with people that I am already interacting with, attracted to, or just find interesting. I guess this one caught me off guard because I haven't been dating, or as social as a few months ago. If I'm being honest, this is a sign that I need to start being more social in my day-to-day life because I've accumulated a bit of rust in this department.

    Thank you @JohnPaulGeorgeRingo!
     
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  2. JohnPaulGeorgeRingo

    JohnPaulGeorgeRingo Fapstronaut

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    I get brain fog too - so I can totally relate. Stay strong and try to avoid binging if you can.

    on the point about your brain fog and trying to cut through it, what is your plan and how will you implement it?

    something that really works for me is exercise and getting some quick wins in for the day first thing, or whenever I’m feeling a little groggy. Something simple like a chore or something that makes you feel accomplished like doing stretching.

    As for my journey - I had a sense the other day when I was fighting an urge I realized that this is about more than self control, this is about the quality of connection that I have to myself and those around me. So, that made it easier to manage at the time because it reminded me about why I’m doing this
     
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  3. hfr19

    hfr19 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4 - still no urges. Usually things start getting hard around week 2 for me. Haven't gotten to 30 days in quite sometime. Hopefully can stay focused.
     
  4. Hero's Journey

    Hero's Journey Fapstronaut

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    The 10 stages of rebooting

    Stage 1: This is when we realize that masturbation is affecting our healthy negatively and we have a thought about quitting. However, after reading about the harmlessness theories of masturbation we are not so determined anymore, we think that masturbation in moderation should do us no harm. This is the very initial stage of rebooting which is characterized by ignorance and naivety. The result: failure!

    Stage 2: We gain a small understanding of the harmful effects of masturbation, but not a thorough understanding. The result: failure!

    Stage 3: We begin to study other peoples’ experience of rebooting and we try to break our rebooting record. Although we have managed to set a new record on the number of rebooting days we are still unable to break out of the vicious cycle. The result: failure!

    Stage 4: This is the confusion stage, after numerous failures, we start to doubt ourselves. At this stage, we are not putting in enough of a fight, no fight no victory! The result: failure.

    Stage 5: Our body gives out signals once again and it’s clear that our health has deteriorated. Once again we make up our minds to quit and rely helplessly on the brute force method(relying on willpower alone) without learning about the correct methods. The result: failure.

    Stage 6: We begin to see the harmlessness theory for what it is, that it only works to trick the “children”. This is when we experience a breakthrough in our way of thinking but we still fail to understand why we are unable to quit masturbation. The result: failure.

    Stage 7: This is the stage of understanding, gained from reading vast amounts of rebooting articles, we begin to acknowledge spiritual teachings which helps to increase our determination tremendously, we break the 100-day streak. The result: still failure.

    Stage 8: The thorough cleansing stage, we are starting to cleanse ourselves both consciously and unconsciously. Once this idea has entered our subconscious we easily break the 200-day barrier. There may come one day when we are browsing the internet and have our guard down or we have been slack in our rebooting studies, we therefore stumble near the finishing line. The result: still failure.

    Stage 9: We are almost there now and have become even more careful, our understanding takes on another level. We are no longer affected by dirty thoughts, what we see do not enter our intentions, what other people sees and like we react with caution. We are steady in our heart even amidst rough winds of thoughts. We have discarded the habit of masturbation altogether.

    Stage 10: “Nothing to begin with, how can nothing stir the dust”. We have come to the highest stage where all things returns to simplicity. Great skill is hidden in plain site, this is only achieved by the Master.
    Tips: Everyone should be able to find their current stage in rebooting, just like in video games we have our levels, once we have reached that level success will come. If our level of understanding is not there we will have a hard time to quit masturbation, for a master there is no difficulty, while mastery is difficult to achieve for a layman. Hopefully, everyone will continue to study rebooting articles, the day when we find our “aha” moment is the day when we can walk away from masturbation for good. For the few bright people with keen minds, they are able to skip over stages just as a bright student is able to skip grades and the poor student will need to remain in the same grade.
     
  5. Thank @JohnPaulGeorgeRingo. I agree that this not just about self-control, its about getting to know myself.

    I'm a porn addict. I don't think I will ever have "self-control." If I did, I wouldn't be relapsing. I can't out-think this addiction. I can't simply white knuckle it. My brain is wired such that I get thinking about porn, my brain is flooded with neurotransmitters and the brain fog sets in and I have no willpower to fight.

    To answer your question: on the point about your brain fog and trying to cut through it, what is your plan and how will you implement it?

    I'm going to practice 2 things over and over again even when not having urges. That way, I am so used to doing them, it will be like an easy auto-pilot that I can do that behavior instead of the urge. Here they are:
    1. I will go for walks. I was doing this before but half-heartedly. I want to go on 3-5 walks a day. I walk just around the block and sit at a picnic table. I bring this Reboot book I'm reading and a journal. This way, I am away from my apartment where my computer and phone are. I won't be able to relapse out there and I can meditate and journal through the urge.
    2. I will call people. I already call people on a daily basis but I will continue to call family, friends, and classmates as much as possible. I even have a few buddies I can talk to about my porn addiction. This action uses the power of social support to break the urge. I can even pair this one with the walk to create a super urge breaker. For example, I can call a buddy that I can be frank with and say "I'm having urges to look at porn man" at the same time be leaving my apartment getting away from my computer.
    Thanks for asking me this question so I can work through this plan a little more deeply.
     
  6. @reconditioned mind thanks for posting. I can definitely relate to this in my early stages of trying to quit porn. It is an autopilot that sort of takes over and is seemingly impossible to beat. I think it is one of those things that just takes time to overcome. You need to set as many barriers in place as possible that make it uncomfortable and inconvenient as possible to watch porn and masturbate. Utilize time while you are clear headed to implement things to do this. You can even adapt the settings your router to disable itself during certain time periods to force yourself to break your routine. This might be a powerful tool to make things more difficult to fall into old patterns.

    @Basilio sorry to hear about your setback man. I was there myself not too long ago. I will just comment on your question about your friend who showed you the pornographic images. I am always a promoter of honesty being the best policy. Also I think men can be quite direct with each other and do not need to sugar coat every piece of communication, which is great. Therefore, I would suggest being straight with your friend and telling him that if you are serious about quitting porn, and images like the ones he showed you are negatively impacting your recovery. I realize you may have said to stop, but most guys don't understand the seriousness of what a porn addiction really is. Just imagine if you were a recovering alcoholic and one of your friends kept bringing over beers to your place and offering them to you. Most people would consider this "friend" to be an asshole and suggest that you stop hanging out. I do not think porn addiction is seen as on the same level of seriousness as alcohol so maybe he does not understand the potential consequences of his actions. I am not saying you have to stop being friends with him, but he needs to understand this in order to respect your recovery fully.

    Looking forward to the discord call this weekend. Cheers!
     
  7. Basilio

    Basilio Fapstronaut

    Thank you @nick2020. I fully agree with you and appreciate your feedback. Looking forward to the call as well!
     
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  8. Hero's Journey

    Hero's Journey Fapstronaut

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    Useful links for newcomers, and those already in rebooting..



     
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  9. shivyshiv

    shivyshiv New Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys,
    I am a 24 year old male who is struggling with this habit from last 10 years. It all started in school, i was a good student so my parents put me in the pressure of scoring good ranks in all competitive exams and my parents dont used to live with me, i used to live with my elder sister, who used to work in a school as a teacher. As a kid leaving alone , i had a lot of alone time and also the pressure of studies was getting built on me day by day so i started this habbit which destroyed my teenage and now i have somehow manage to get a good education and job but still i have not been able to remove my habit away. My longest streak is of 2 weeks and i am doing it daily once atleast, this is being like living in hell. I work so hard on my job but yet i couldn't enjoy anything becoz this feeling of regret is so bad that it let me sleep with the shame in my eyes.
    I want to improve it, from now on i want to post something daily about my progress and how i am managing my argues.
    I hope i will win this time.
     
  10. Hero's Journey

    Hero's Journey Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the group. Follow the criteria of the group.
     
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  11. hfr19

    hfr19 Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 - still no urges. Hoping for a peaceful weekend. Hope you all are doing well. Stay strong.
     
  12. tedy26

    tedy26 Fapstronaut

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    Hey Guys,

    My love - hate relationship with YouTube has continued. All the audio books I listen and majority of the people who have influenced me to the better are from YouTube channels.

    But lately, YouTube is becoming the strongest source of temptations for me. Yesterday, while I was on the site, I came across pretty girls with tight clothes and I almost relapsed. I didn’t go to P or even try to M. In fact I was with my friends. But I almost evacuated. I had to use my willpower to keep my sperm in my testicles. But I know I can’t relay on my willpower for next time.

    So I decided not to visit you tube for at least a week. I have downloaded a week worth of essential videos to see offline.

    Stay strong everyone
     
  13. JohnPaulGeorgeRingo

    JohnPaulGeorgeRingo Fapstronaut

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    @tedy26 That's a great way to adapt to the situation, what are some examples of essential videos if you don't mind sharing some? I struggle with YT constantly, if it's not triggering it can become a real time suck, and so with that in mind I'm going to challenge myself to do something similar.

    Also, sorry I will not be on today's call gents, but I watched the video that we'd discussed last week and found it to be really helpful to keep that action simple, for me just putting my hands behind my head and just taking some deep breathes helped a lot!

    Hope everyone's doing well
     
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  14. hfr19

    hfr19 Fapstronaut

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    Day 8 - light on the urges but been walking, reading, praying and hanging out on the porch all day. It's been a peaceful Sunday. Hope you all are well. Stay strong!
     
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  15. tedy26

    tedy26 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your encouraging words. By essential videos, I ment ted talks, book reviews or interviews on issues that I am interested in. Am interested in Topics like critical thinking, periodic fasting, minimalism, flow state of mind, and emotional intelligence.

    I think you may find a Ted-talk in titled “why the majority is always wrong|Paul Rulkens”. I highly recommend that you check it out.

    Stay strong
     
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  16. hfr19

    hfr19 Fapstronaut

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    I like those topics too, and if you like minimalism, you might like reading it's spiritual brother called asceticism.

    When Pagan Rome started to really persecute the ancient Christians, the ones who didn't want to simply get killed in red martyrdom, fled into the deserts to live out their religion in peace. They were called the Desert Fathers and St. John Cassian wrote specifically on how disordered feelings of fornication (i.e. masturbation) can be beaten by prayer, fasting, reading, and self-reflection. Some people prefer the purely scientific/secular take on beating PMO, but if you want to read about how desert monks conquered the topic there's a lot of Literature on the Desert Fathers. Hope this helps.

    Stay strong.
     
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  17. hfr19

    hfr19 Fapstronaut

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    Day 9 - still minimal urges, work was pretty busy today so my mind was kept from too much idleness. Here's hoping to get through the second week! Be well all
     
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  18. tedy26

    tedy26 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. That sounds like sth I would love to read. Am actually an evangelical Christian so truth interests me more than facts.

    Do you have the soft copy? Will let you know my review
     
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  19. Welcome!
     
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  20. Day 2! I'm back and trying to really change my life and get over this porn addiction.

    Thank you for all the support! Shout out to @nick2020
     
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