Happy New Year All! Just got back into town last night. Was on a family-a-rama tour. Wowzers. Kind of a behind-the-curtains view of my mental shortcomings. I felt like a grand slalom skier flying through one odd passive aggressive comment after another. But, such is the Ho Ho Ho. On more important fronts, I spent a lot of time with my son and my wife. My little boy is transitioning from his crib to a bed. Right now, he doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in a bed alone, so my wife and I would take turns sleeping next to him at night and for his nap. Lying next to this young man and looking on him, I imprinted an image of one other person I'm striving to break old habits for. I don't want him to 1) feel shame 2) feel like he can't reach out (PS: both huge caverns I slip into). The biggest challenge I'm going through right now is with my wife's having found this forum, and consequently, the truth about my P habit. We've been sidestepping most of the conversations since our first therapy session, but bit by bit we're bringing it up. It's by far the scariest place I've ever been. I have a therapist, and he was the first and only person I ever told about my struggling with porn. Then, finally, I got on board here to find community and really set my mind to marching through and past this habit. And, THAT's, when she finds out. Oy. Because I wasn't trying to hide. But, she has made it known that she's by my side. She's still struggling with things she read, thoughts she's having about what it all means, and the like. I'm struggling with a whole host of feelings. I don't want to feel ashamed for having had a habit of porn, and yet to feel the remorse, regret and, I guess, sorrow, of having felt unable to trust her with telling her about it. I also want to feel good about the work that we're all doing here. AND I want to find a way to deal with all the feelings that are swirling all around me that I'm not numbing with P. My libido is flaring. I'm understanding that what we're doing here isn't about short-circuiting our sexual drives. It's about flushing out all the associations and impulses we've attached to those drives. To be sure, I'm feeling a lot right now. I feel pretty heightened, and not in the best of ways. I feel kind of uncomfortable in my own skin. The other thing that is crashing all around me is a shame driven by an endless loop of a voice in my head that is constant - always comparing me to someone else who is ALWAYS seen as more successful, and I'm ALWAYS seen by myself as a failure. I am setting the resolution / intention / shout that I am going to be self-referenced as much as I possibly can. I want to compare myself to myself and no one else. Right now, much easier said than done, but this is where I am. I am happy to be going into 2020 with 50+ days P free. I am committed to our road. It's bumpy as hell, and not comfortable, but I believe, as I know the rest of you do, that there's a world down it that is worth the pain. I feel you @Damomad about the overwhelming feelings. I think we just keep on keeping on. One thing that I am believing in more and more is that the feelings (whatever they are) are ephemeral and will pass. As overwhelming as they can sometimes feel to me, with the days that have passed, I have experienced many such moments in which I feel overwhelmed, only to find myself later in the day having moved past it, and forgotten about the moment. It's possible. We just need to keep our feet marching and, I think, find constructive outlets for the rising tide of feelings we're all experiencing. I'm very proud to be among you, walking with you all toward our best selves. May 2020 bring each and every one of you the beauty you so profoundly deserve.