1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Acting like a total dick don't know what to do..

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. OK i try to make this short. I am in no means what you call a gigolo or whatever, but i am seeing this woman since maybe 2 weeks. We met and initially both our statement was sth like "casual, or friendship with benefits is alright." We did not just want to fuck around, and also we did not want to have a relationship, but something in between. Then she ends this thing, writing me that we have to end this because she does not want to develop feelings that will not be returned. I was not in the town where i live the weekend, but we texted. I wrote that i felt that this happened way too fast, and that we should keep on meeting because we do each other good, and let just things develop. It was a little sms-drama, and i wrote that i like to be with her and want to see her and so on.. So yesterday i was back in town and visited her, and she said again i should say that i was not in love with her, and that we should end this, and that she feels a little bit fooled by me. I AGAIN said that i cannot decide after 2 weeks to be couple all of a sudden, and so on, and that i like her and we should just let things develop. THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT YESTERDAY, BUT i REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK ANYMORE. i do not want to hurt her and be a total asshole. But that is what i seem to be. She wanted to hear from me that we are a couple now, and i resisted a while and said too fast too fast, until the next morning after lots of sex i said ok just lets try. And now i am home again and i just don't know anymore, i think i am fooling her and myself because SHE IS IN LOVE AND I AM NOT. I thought that would develop, maybe, maybe not we will see, but now after giving this statement "ok lets try to be a couple" i feel fucking trapped and scared and like in a cage. Wtf should i do now`? I think the less bad thing would be to end this immediately. Like a total dick, yesterday saying alright lets try, tomorrow ending it. FUCK. Or am i just too scared and should let things develop? For sure i have some kind of bonding-fears.

    Any advice, questions, suggestions, welcome.
     
  2. Just date her man. That friends with benefits thing will not work. It will end terribly. If she wants a relationship then give it a try, unless you don't have time for a relationship. If you think you can't give it your all the don't do it, but if you think you can be a sweet, genuine boyfriend then do it.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
    NoFap Defender

    402
    8,565
    123
    Thanks for that honest and detailed post! I'm really not the one to give expert advice on this, coz I'm hardly boyfriend material at the moment and you're doing better, or at least more, in terms of relationship. But I do have some experience including in marriage and -- though I may sound quite old-fashioned -- I think this: (a) it's not the same for men and women in sex and in sexualized relationships. It will be more emotional for the woman because she is more affected by it all (physically as well as emotionally). She may not want this to be the case and talk a good game about freedom and casualness -- and she should not have -- but your story seems predictable to me in that respect. (b) to sustain the relationship and make her happy, you will have to _really_ love her; otherwise, it will sour things in countless ways (that may seem a little irrational.) You should not have said otherwise (whether just to get some or to have a fun loose relationship.) Since -- and this is (c) -- (b) is not the case and (a) seems to be, you can be as smooth as you want, and she as self-deluding as she wants, but she will know, she will be dissatisfied, she will feel that she is giving too much and that you cannot be trusted to understand let alone honor and cherish that, and her, and so you will both suffer. Therefore, I say, tell her that you feel her first instinct was best and that you did not understand the stakes for her and that you find her too beautiful a person to harm in any way, and that you can only hope one day to be more of a man and less of a sexual energizer bunny.:) Good luck!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Thank you so much for this statement. It just went all so megafast. And i did the harm already, she was right, i am wrong. I feel like an asshole, but, as weird as this may sound after my behaviour, i really like this woman. But i am not in love.
     
    Atlanticus likes this.
  5. Thank you for your comment. I have to end this, i don't want to hurt her and i can't give it all i guess. I have this nagging doubt in me, and a relationship should not start in total doubt from my side.
     
    Atlanticus likes this.
  6. I think part of my behaviour was wishful thinking in the way that i thought i WANT to fall in love with her. I really did not mean to fool her just to fuck her.
     
    Atlanticus likes this.
  7. baston grief

    baston grief Fapstronaut

    10
    5
    3
    man, if you do not end this right now... she would feel more cheated and would never wanna see your face, but if u end it now you might end it by telling your view and she would agree and you will be friends
     
  8. baston grief

    baston grief Fapstronaut

    10
    5
    3
    man, if you do not end this right now... she would feel more cheated and would never wanna see your face, but if u end it now you might end it by telling your view and she would agree and you will be friends
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. Soul Oak

    Soul Oak New Fapstronaut

    2
    3
    3
    I suggest something else: ask her some TIME to figure out your feelings 1 week or so.

    You seem to be afraid of someone coming to close to your heart... I had the same.

    If she's honest and good-intended, why not. If you appreciate the girl and feel like having a girlfriend for a change and that you're able to stay HONEST, go for it. Love develops and strenghtens.

    The most important is to stay true to your INNER FEELING.
    If your torn, I wish you to find a solution, good luck and I compell you to EXPRESS YOURSELF by means of art or sport (to relive yourself) and by talking it out to a maximum of people to find some elements of your answer (you don't have to explicit your whole situation). Let them inspire you, but not dictate your actions!

    Good luck bro.
     
    Atlanticus and Deleted Account like this.
  10. Alright i told her. Well not exactly, i tried to call her and when i did not reached her i sent her a text message. I wrote that she was right, i am wrong, and that i cannot and want not this and that i am not in love. And that she does not deserve this, and i wished i had recognized this earlier, and that i am very sorry and an idiot. She wrote back that she also is not in love and that she is relieved, and wishes me all the best. I replied also with all the best. Wether that is true or not (she not in love), I feel very relieved. End of story. I think i acted like a dick, but in the end did the right thing today.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2017
    contrast, Atlanticus and D . J . like this.
  11. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    I'm proud of you for doing the right thing and ending it. This is a warning for you and for everyone who engages in casual relationships (FWB) neither you nor the other person have any idea what can happen when sex is involved. Often times it's women who get emotionally involved once sex is involved but it is not impossible for men to fall for the wrong woman when sex is involved.
    Sex is thought of as being something frivolous to play with but it isn't. Here is a prime example of what can happen when sex is used for fun. You even said in a previous post that after much sex had occurred, that's when you decided you wanted to try a relationship.

    That's the pull of sex. Many will read my comment and think I'm too conservative but if it happened this time it can happen again.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
    NoFap Defender

    402
    8,565
    123
    FGA! It worked! (I mean other than that you should have done it in person.) I am very happy for both of you and proud that you manned up to tell her like it is, in a way that is as timely as you could muster and that accepts your responsibility. I would be surprised if she didn't appreciate the honesty.
    You're right: perhaps she overstated her level of detachment, but she no doubt realizes that to move on is the best way for her to heal. (In other words, she may be relieved that it is not going any further and sees no point in giving you grief about it.) Both of you seem cool, to me.

    That you had to _learn_ all this is okay; we're not asking for perfection, we're asking for improvement and acting to the best of our convictions. Power to you, brother! I am duly impressed!

    Now, back to the grindstone: have you also figured our how all this relates to NoFapandYou?
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
    NoFap Defender

    402
    8,565
    123
    For what it's worth: I could hardly agree more!
     
    D . J . and Deleted Account like this.
  14. messanger

    messanger Fapstronaut

    72
    71
    18
    I logged in just to reply .
    Glad you got your laces together and showed honesty , coming from a place of authenticity is important for great stuff to manifest on a metaphysical to physical lvl . Heart n mind coherence.
     
  15. Thank you guys very much.
     
    messanger and D . J . like this.
  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Hi I'm a woman I hope I can help with advice. Like many have said women get attached very easily when they have sex with a man. It's completely different and so most men can't understand how it feels because they don't feel that way. It's the bonding hormone oxytocin that women release when they O we can't help it it bonds us to the man. That's why women should wait if they can for sex. Oftentimes we end up in relationships with jerks or people we don't even like because we cannot see past the oxytocin. There are some women who will say they can have sex without getting attached but I think they are lying to themselves and we almost always end up in a world of hurt because of trying to have sex like men. We also don't ever hear what men tell us or if we do we think we can change you. You are saying you don't want to be in a relationship she is hearing let me try to convince him otherwise I can change his mind and guess what she did! As women age they get better at least at recognizing it's the oxytocin but as a young woman I can tell you I've been where she is. I don't want you sleeping with anyone else and I'm "in love" obviously you can't be in love in two weeks. Do her a favor and just end things. She is going to want more and while you may want to commit eventually you don't now and you will both get hurt. Don't have sex with her cause you enjoy it that's not fair. I think you are a very nice guy who does not want to upset her. But she will get hurt more if you string her along. Say something like "I realize that you want a committed relationship now but I am just not ready to commit to that right now with you and I may never be. I agreed to be your boyfriend because I did not want to hurt you but after thinking I realize I cannot give you that right now. I think it's best that you find someone who wants the same thing as you do and that we both move on."
     

Share This Page