Addict IQ and recovery

I think it’s more EQ rather than IQ. Something my hubby and I had talked about in beginning was the lack of Emotional intelligence especially while using. I think depending on stage of the addiction/recovery from the addicts with effect the Level of EQ i guess I see it as being dependent upon the newly developing emotional maturity that is growing with actual recovery. Maybe the difference between struggling with sobriety versus recovery, recovery is has more personal growth! It can take a while for the distinction to be known and felt.
I hope I’m making sense here. Trying to get my thoughts across with headache and a couple of hours past my bedtime.

 

How are you doing?

 

I’m good. Hubby and I have been at this for long time now. I like to think we are a success but it’s a continuous thing. It takes a lot of relearning for both of us. Correcting the bad habits that took years to develop takes time, balance, empathy and patience. I’m glad my reply helped a bit and glad you are feeling better. Something that I can refer you to that greatly helps with communication and understanding is the Gottman institute books. You have his recovery, your healing and the relationship. The Gottman books help to give the tools to come together and work on the relationship. I would highly recommend reading and doing the exercises together. We had set aside time on Sunday nights to read a chapter together.

https://www.gottman.com/product/what-makes-love-last/

https://www.gottman.com/product/seven-principles-making-marriage-work-revised-book/

 

Our storyline in a nutshell is 19 years together, about to have our 10th wedding anniversary. The first DDay was physical betrayal 5 years ago. 4 years of betrayal trauma, that was a up hill battle. DDay #2 was finding his special collection. I suspected a porn problem with the struggling affair recovery. When I found his collection I saw the depth and scope of how bad his addiction really was and that was the “rock bottom” for him and make or break moment for me. It’s been just over a year with no PM in our lives (just over 400 days for him).
The hardest was the 4 years between dday’s for us.

 

Very much can be. The 7 principals is what saved our marriage after the the infidelity. That was the only book he remotely took seriously in affair recovery. It also helped with me and the roller coaster of shit I was going through at the time.
His porn habit and “acting out” porn wise with it was stil going on in full swing during the affair recovery and he was hiding it all. He was in complete denial about it during that time. It completely held back the recovery.

 

It’s was purely physical, that was bad enough. I think my tag line was “I won’t apologize for I feel but I will apologize for how I handle it”. We made it through, we worked together and now we are truly better for it. Boundaries are important and so is learning how to fight/disagreements. It took us a while on the communication front and we are still improving. It can and will get better with commitment, honesty and integrity.

 

IQ never actually changes for anyone. But emotional intelligence is another story. It blows my mind how stupid they can be especially nearing a relapse.