Addicted to cam girl sites

M

myguilt

New Fapstronaut
Hello,
Let me introduce myself, im a elderly man with a wonderful partner and a grandchild and a wonderful supportive family, and for the most part im happy but here is my shame that my partner has endured for many many years, I have tried to give up going to these cam chat sites and each time I do I relapse, but this time is far worse my partner has had enough, she has pushed me away and wants no more of my terrible shameful behaviour. I am terrified of my future life without her and this time and i said it many times before I will do everything possible to give up. If I dont succeed then im finished completely destroyed by something that started near 8 years ago. Before that it was porn it has wrecked my relationships. She doesn't trust me anymore but I know that this time I will do everything with my will power to stop. Why? because I cannot live without her I cannot face this shame with my family that does not know about this. I will take cold showers do anything to distract my thoughts start going to church and pray for forgiveness, I am free only 3 days and im still in shock of losing her, I have told her that the last times I stopped and relapsed I did it for her, I guess I believed that it wasn't wrong, but this time Im doing it for me, I have been almost suicidal over the last few days my thoughts are in a very dark place of shame guilt and remorse. I need show her that my effort this time is real and somehow be transparent so that she can at least see the real progress I will make. I have a wedding coming and I will be asked to speak, I need to have this out of my life or I will not be able to face anyone at the wedding. If anyone has any comments I welcome them all dont hold back good and bad comments, I put myself in this place and situation and its upto me to get myself out of this, and I cant imagine how much pain my partner feels it breaks my heart just to think about this.
 
Hello and welcome! :)

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There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
 
It seems like you are now ready to do what you need to do. Though it seems like a complete disaster right now, it had to get this bad for you to realise you need to get free of porn or cams whatever. You're right about it being down to you, nobody else can do it for you. All I can say is that if you want to quit, then you can. It is possible, all you have to do is want it enough. To put quitting above your urges. To put your life above these urges. And do what ever you need to do, if it's your phone you use for this stuff then chuck your phone or drain the battery and don't charge it. Leave it in a drawer then at least you have the buffer of having to charge it before you can seek out these sites, in that time you may come to your senses. You've done two days already, keep going. I'm at nearly three weeks and I feel like a different person. When things get tough come on here and write down what's going on, read from people's journals etc. It really does help. Within no time that shame and guilt you're feeling will transform into pride as the days and weeks pass, and you feel that you are really doing what you need and want to do. So stick in there, you can do it, I look forward to hearing how you feel after a week. All the best.
 
Good Advice i have been through this 4 times over the last 3 years thats why my partner is sick of this and of me, she has had enough and I dont blame her, at moment I am in the lowest spot as I realise that i may have lost the only real person who has been loyal and loving to me over many years and has had to put up with my shit. Thanks for the great info Robin appreciate this immensely. Actually this is the 5th time she has pushed me out and now im on my own.
 
Although I am much younger than you are, I can relate. My partner has left me, partially due to my sexual obsessions from porn. The fact that this is the 5th time she had pushed you away is a huge warning sign! She has been really patient with you but apparently she also values you greatly. You know now exactly what the price is. So be strong! And whenever a demonic voice in your head tells you "just one more time", distract yourself AND object to the voice. Remember her, her smile, the happy moments you spent together.... It isn't worth it. I also find it helpful if you find other (physical) outlets as well!
Best of luck
 
Wow she has been generous with the chances. She must love you very much. Don't forget that.

I read something that a member wrote here. Hopefully you cross his path. He said he started to ask himself, could he every possibly watch enough to be satisfied and the answer was NO. In that truth he realized that it would take everything from him if he kept going back to it. That was a statement I will always remember! I'm glad you are here so that you don't lose everything. Like stated above, you have to get to this place before you can be ready to change. Start writing a lot, I think it helps "dump" all the emotional stuff so you can make room for the more practical things of life. You are in "crisis" right now. This will get better and it will get better related to how much effort goes in. Engage in the group and learn from others. The support here has been priceless to me.

I wish you the best with this and I am so glad you are here!
 
@myguilt
I’ve been dealing w/ an addiction to cams as well. Gone through periods of abstinence from them. However Ive ended up back using them more than once. I’m still struggling. Remember there are people out there just like you. I am one of them.

In reading your post Guilt is the strongest emotion I get from you. Look I’m some random nobody on the internet but guilt never got anyone anywhere. It will often drive you right back where you don’t want to go.

The other thing that comes across is that as much as you want to prove to your partner that you are done w this chapter...You need to do this for yourself so that you don’t stay trapped in this existential hell. Good luck and stay strong. Reach out and keep coming back to this forum as much as possible.
 
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