I have a very addictive personality and have struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. When I was younger I would always get made fun of because of the way I look, and because I was autistic. I am very traumatized because of this, and I always view my self as some animal that does not fit into superficial human society. When I was 18, I finally went clubbing with some friends. I tried to talk to women and was rejected horribly. Eventually a friend of mine took me a stripclub... big mistake. I was addicted to the attention of going to stripclubs. I finally felt what It was like to be wanted by women, even though it was all fake. I barely went to stripclubs after that, but got really into internet porn, paying to talk with porn stars. Eventually I got curious about findom and was paying women to abuse me. I was already addicted to femdom. I met a friend, lets call him Tom, I groomed this kid into an addict. He fell in love with a mutual friend of ours lets call her Susan and she rejected all his advances, and went out with a mutual friend we both knew. This was a social circle we were in. I tried to keep my drug addiction and porn addiction out of my real life. Anyway my friend was so fucked up over seeing the girl he loved with a friend of his everyday that he turned to alcoholism. I could always out drink him though. One day I got him drunk and took him to a stripclub and got him addicted to the validation of strippers. Whenever he was feeling down I would come round and get him drunk on straight vodka, I told him that my card wasn't working and got him to pay for EVERYTHING for both of us, all the lapdances all the alcohol, I basically scammed him out of so much money always tell him I was going to pay him back, he was spending around £400 - £1,000 a week on stripper addiction for me and him. I have payed him back a bit of it, and offered to give him money if he ever needs any just let me know. Anyway, we did LSD together and he quickly ditched me after that trip, I guess he realized how fucked everything was. I would go to stripclubs my self and would spend money, but I would loath everyone working there. I eventually got banned from a stripclub because I complained to the manager that all the girls were ugly and I was scammed out the entry fee that night, I threatened to stab the bouncer. I went to another one and the same shit happened, I was banned for basically abusing all the women and the staff. I got sober, and was losing weight rapidly I felt much more confident but unfortunately women still weren't interested, I got back into findom and being abused for being a loser no women would want. I then got into cam sites at first because of findom actors, but they were so boring when I sent them money. I sent money to some vanilla ones and quickly realized that lots of women on camsites are from Third World countries, unless its a big American star that has thousands, sometimes over 10k views at once. The third world girls would not get as many viewers as the Americans, sometimes only 5-20 viewers online at once and if they were working in a studio they would do ANYTHING for money. The ones working from home won't... go figure. I got into making them do sex acts but after a while I became so numb to the sex and just wanted to push it as far as I could go. Fueled by my hatred as I had been exploited by strippers and findoms I began abusing the women, making them choke themselves with belts on camera, making them punch themselves in the face whilst begging for money, making them choke on dildos on camera. Anyway because of this I have become really fucked up person, I am failing at university and I'm on my final year with really shitty grades so far. I can't even view women as human anymore, I just view them as sex objects.