Addicted to PMO since 1995 - time to heal.

Hi All,

Tl;dr below in bold.

I'm Shags, and I'm an addict.
I've just had to sit and stare at that statement a while. Even though I've known of my addiction for the longest time, admitting to and seeing it in written form has had an awakening effect on me - I haven't felt like myself, the real me roughly since my addiction began, and I've just realised this. Wow.

My addictions have been to PIV and PMO.

Internet P since 1995, the foundations of which began five years earlier when I was 11 and shown VHS tapes.
Earlier than that, I was sexualised by older children - I do not begrudge them, it was probably innocent experimentation although these events may have formed early tendencies.

I guess I've been on the roller coaster of sexual addiction for around twenty years.

I'm not really a religious person. However, driving home from work today, I just began talking. To no one, about my addiction, how I feel about it, and how I vow to put it behind me permanently.
I'd spent my entire nightshift on an emotional journey back through time in my mind, reliving painful memories and the general feeling of failure as a person of decent morals.
I'm not sure exactly who I felt compelled to confess to in my car, but I hoped and prayed they were listening and would help.

I'm at the point now where I'm no longer aroused by internet porn, in fact I'm saddened by it - I know I'm addicted and it's causing harm to my health, but I still crave it.
It physically hurts me and exhausts me of all that I am, mentally and physically.

Most days I'll just carry a general urge that I can control until I get home.
Some days I get these intense, primal, unrelenting urges that can go on for anywhere up to 3-4 days where I either have had to organise PIV for the duration, or lock myself inside my home and edge for 16 hours a day to satisfy the addiction. I function badly if I do not address it early.

I should probably seek out a local support group in my area, but I've been making small steps, googling my addiction and how to stop it, which led me here to you.

I'm hoping that someone here can lead the way into recovery. Thankyou so much for reading.

tl;dr

36yo male PIV/PMO addict for 20 years seeks recovery advice. Please help.

Thankyou!

 

Thankyou M L and Pitazz.
I'm going to look into the journal and counter right now. I have no specific goal as yet, I just want and need to end my reliance on porn and sex.
In 8 hours it will be one day without either, the most I've gone for a long time.