Addiction / looking at women in real life

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Broken2019, Sep 19, 2020.

  1. Broken2019

    Broken2019 New Fapstronaut

    Ok so long story short 2 years ago I found out my h is a porn addict. Today he finally gave me a full disclosure. But basically all my questions were answered and basically I know everything nothing really new.
    The thing that bothers me is that he claims he was never into any real women he worked with or anyone else he knew. Claims he never checks women out ect. Now I know about him messaging women he worked with, not sexting, but really crossing lines, like asking them how far they have gone with their boyfriends ect. He would even randomly ask "send me a pic" no not asking for nudes, but I really wonder if he wasn't HOPING for something like that. Some of the pictures to me they sent were borderline sexy. (Minimal but still). Also he had list after list of favorite porn stars I found, and one list no title was of women he worked with. He would also go online and copy photos of women he knew (many didn't even know, they worked in other departments) and he saved pics to his phone.
    So am I CRAZY??? Is it even possible for a man to be addicted and NOT check out every woman he comes across? Is it possible for them to NOT fantasize about other women when they are watching HOURS of porn a day? I just don't see how that is even possible! Is he in denial or totally playing me?
  2. Ansaha

    Ansaha Fapstronaut

    Porn definitely wacks up your brain, atleast it did it for me. It's like I created a new area inside my brains which was/is activated everytime I see an attractive woman and then I start to fantasize her inside my head. It takes alot conscious effort to reflect and work with this "habit" because it's something that gives me pleasure and not doing it feels like I lack some part of my self in some weird way - But as I said, it takes alot conscious work and commitment to even admit to yourself that porn has damaged the way you see and view women all around you - and after you've admitted the fact that there is a clear problem in your behaviour of thinking then it's yet again alot of work to be done with rewiring those thought pattern. Personally I think that without porn my view of women would be drastically different.
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2020
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  3. alphakadabro

    alphakadabro Fapstronaut

    He's totally in denial. I never did anything creepy like make lists of pornstars (I kept them in my head) or search co-workers, nor ask for pics, no flirt with them when I was in a relationship. And I was a porn addict, meaning I would PMO like 2-3 times a week. But I still developed PIED.

    All of those behaviors you mentioned are really alarming to me. It certainly sounds like emotional infedility, even if he didn't hookup with anyone.

    He definitely needs to correct his behavior by coming to the NoFap forums and introducing himself to us so we can talk to him and try to help.
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  4. Fishn1

    Fishn1 Fapstronaut

    It sounds like he is in a high level of addiction, and if he is downplaying the pictures he asked for, then they might be a lot more graphic than you know. Keeping these lists is obsessive, and to put it graphically, perverted - not to get you too upset. Sounds like he is a hardcore sex addict, and at that level of addiction, no it's not possible for someone to not fantasize or check out these women constantly. Just my opinion of course. Realize though that he probably cannot help himself and without this addiction, he would come back down to earth and you would see a totally different person. He'll have to want to help himself but he can't do it alone, and this is a good place to start. With all you mentioned, a 12 step group for sex addicts would offer additional support.
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  5. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    It's reasonable to assume he's not telling all or is in denial.

    I'll keep it simple and say to buckle down and prepare for full disclosure to be a life long process. You can not control what he does or discloses but can control how you support him.
  6. I don't want you to set your expectations too high - a lot of men have sexual thoughts about multiple women, even in marriage. It doesn't mean they don't love their spouse, but that's just kind of how the male brain is. >>>>>>>>>>>>>HOWEVER<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<, fantasizing about coworkers, asking for pictures and regularly watching porn is another story, and I encourage you to help him quit. And I do believe that there is a good correlation between watching porn and checking out every woman you see. I used to do that all the time, but after a few months of NoFap I was able to stop sexualizing everyone. I would never let my husband get sexy pics from women if I was in your position.

    But you need to encourage honesty and openness. Do not be accusatory because then he will just hide it from you. Offer a solution in whatever way you know how.

    Autistic Army. Peace.
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  7. Schnabel

    Schnabel Fapstronaut

    browsing and watching huge amounts porn makes your brain feel like hitting an evolutionary jack pot. Look at it this way: day by day he has hundreds of girls lining up offering sex and therefore a possibility to procreation, meanwhile all he has to do is choosing (by clicking) ... and - to give him some credit - he doesn't rush things but rather seems to be quite an orderly type conducting different sorts of lists, evaluating all his options (coworkers) etc. etc. You need to understand, that the part of the brain, which takes control here, doesn't care if it's real or not - the illusion is sufficient. It would be nice if things were different, but humans are just really, really simple in that regard. Obviously, he got hooked on the game of mating choices and this is just another facet of the addiction and, of course, hope is that they'll both fade eventually....

    However, none of this means you shouldn't be alarmed. If he is unable to contain this shit you have to step in and define some borders. not only to guide him but to protect yourself as well.

    good luck
  8. TuckerTUCKEER

    TuckerTUCKEER Fapstronaut

    Dude seems in heavy denial for me. You should definitely talk about him deleting all his P accounts (maybe even in front of you) because not having a "list of favorites" can really make the job a lot harder, ESPECIALLY if there's parallels in real life.
  9. Obviously, I am not experienced with porn addiction myself, so I write from a different perspective. A couple months back I had an intimate conversation with a friend of mine on nearly this same subject. With my wife having been gone for months already, I was beginning to see sex/love nearly everywhere. I couldn't bear to see the proximity/closeness of the couple on the motorcycle that just passed me--it would remind me of what I was missing. I couldn't bear to see parents cuddling their children, as I had zero source of physical love in my own life, and again, this would trigger my thoughts in that sentimental direction. Honestly, I couldn't even bear to talk to my wife, as it would leave me feeling empty, missing her so much. The best for me was simply to buckle down and keep busy with work. But it really bothered me that women began looking so much more attractive than I had ever noticed before. I began seeing beautiful/attractive women almost every time I looked at one. Especially was I attracted to a few which might have been on my "shortlist" and with whom I more closely worked. Now, I never pursued anything with any of them. I never said they looked beautiful (although I was tempted to). I never asked for pics. I never said I loved them--at least, not with words, though I have no idea but what my eyes may have already betrayed me, as I'm sure they cannot easily lie. I wanted to remain faithful to my wife. But it bothered me. It bothered me that so many girls looked attractive. So I asked my friend if he thought this were normal, or if I were out of line. My friend assured me that, in his opinion, it was completely normal--that every guy finds multiple women attractive. Note that he said this to me in the immediate presence of his wife, and she seemed to have no problem with it. He's not a womanizer by any means, as far as I am aware. I seriously doubt he has a porn problem, though I did not ask about that specifically. Yet he acknowledged having other attractions, while staying faithful to his wife in spite of them.

    I think men are hard-wired to be attracted to women. This is normal, and it is the exact reason that porn is such a trap. No "reboot" will undo this hardwiring. But, at least in my experience, when I had a regular relationship with my wife, the level of attraction that I felt toward other women was lessened. (It didn't go away, but was not as noticeable to me.) I have never felt the need of telling my wife about all the women I feel attractions for. It would only cause her to worry, and that needlessly. I have no intentions of ever being unfaithful to her. But I would like to know what man there is who does not have attractions to any woman beyond his wife once he is married. I doubt I will find one; and if I did succeed, I would wonder if he were a normal hetero-type man.

    Based on my limited (no porn addiction) experience, I would guess that if your husband were addicted to porn, and assuming the porn stars are exceptionally attractive to him, that the porn might lessen his interest in the more "average" women with whom he worked, and, therefore, his statement of not being attracted to them might have at least a degree of truth in his mind. However, I do not believe that men, in general, are ever going to lose their interest in women entirely, even when in a stable relationship, and that this interest comes without any involvement in porn at all. The key to the relationship is not having only one attraction, but rather, having only one commitment, and choosing to be faithful despite other attractions.

    Maybe this is why marriage vows often include the words: "forsaking all others." If there were never any "others" on the horizon of the mind, this phrase would be unneeded. The core of my question to my friend was basically to try to understand if the attraction itself were wrong, or if it were even possible to not have it. But I have, so far, found no way to not be attracted, only to not act upon those "unwanted" attractions. Now, if someone here can tell me how to not be attracted . . . I would be forever grateful.
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  10. Fishn1

    Fishn1 Fapstronaut

    I would say the opposite in regards to finding beautiful porn women attractive, and so not lusting after more average women. You are in a pixel world of anything you want to see when you are connecting to your computer, but in real life when women are all around you - because of your porn habit you are sexualizing almost each and everyone of them because you have wired your brain to that high - how will you maintain it when you are away from your computer if it has become an obsession? There are real life women in front of you, and even if you just make it a fantasy or carry it one step further and ask them in an indirect way about sex just to turn yourself on, you are keeping that lust train moving along because you can't get off (pun on words) of it. I think full disclosure is a good thing as you go along to know where you both stand, what you will accept or maybe what he will be willing to change. Marriage counseling might get everything out in the open, and then you'll know if you can work with each other. The other way could go on for years if you keep accepting all these very obvious things he's doing, and suffer for it. It could go either way. Depends on you both.
  11. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

    This response is based on my experience only, I know nothing about your partner specifically:
    He is lying. He may actually believe his lies, but I am around 90% sure he is lying.

    It is extremely inappropriate to text female co-workers if you are in a committed relationship. To ask for pictures, for any reason, is not okay.

    You are not crazy. You are not crazy. Trust your gut.

    One of the usually unconscious, but sometimes conscious, strategies addicted men us is to make their partner feel like they are crazy so they can continue to live with their privileges. This is done by gas lighting, manipulating, lying, turning tables, minimizing, etc. I did this for years, most of it was second nature, I didn't have to really think to manipulate. It has taken me a few years to really uncover how deceptive I was.

    Even if it is less conscious it doesn't mean he isn't responsible, he is.

    It is EXTREMELY unlikely that he doesn't check out other women if he views pornography. If he is texting co-workers asking for pictures, there is a logical reason. The reason he gave you probably doesn't make sense for a reason.

    Copying photos of women he knows online is clearly a sign that he was into other women.

    He is likely justifying it because he may have never had a physical relationship or he never masturbated to their pictures. Addicts like to compartmentalize their activates, it makes it easier to justify behavior. A healthy man doesn't copy photos of women he knows just for fun.

    Based on his denial my guess is that you do not have a full disclosure. Disclosers tend to come in waves. There will likely be more than one disclosure as he continues to work on his recovery.
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