Addiction since 13 years old (28 now)

Hello everyone. I’ve been on and off NoFap for a little over a year. Thought it be good to share my addiction story and how it’s effected me.

When I first tried masturbating I was very young, not even 12 years old. For some reason though when I would stroke I wouldn’t feel any sensation on my penis, however, if I would press my erection against something or squeeze it really hard it felt good. Due to me not feeling good when I stroked my erection though, I never put much time or thought into masturbation.

Now we fast forward to when I was 13 years old and I found out you could watch porn for free on the internet. I would watch and try stroking my erection and again not very much sensation. This time it wasn’t so easy to just brush off masturbation since I was hooked to porn when I found out about it. The addiction forced me to keep watching porn and masturbate and I would try stroking but I just couldn’t finish. Then I remembered back to when I was a kid and how it felt good if I pushed up against something or squeezed really hard. So I tried something that I’m sure not too many people have done. I tucked my erection in between my legs and while watching porn would squeeze and put pressure on my penis to go more and more down my legs. The pressure I put on it made my erection feel good and then I achieved my first orgasm. So that’s how I would masturbate until I was about 16 or 17. At that age I stopped masturbating that way because I noticed my erection quality wasn’t as before. Neither morning wood or erections from porn were what they once were. My erections would only get to about 70%. So I tried stroking again and I was able to achieve orgasm if I flexed my penis. At first I believed that I damaged it physically from all that tucking and pressure. It’s actually my addiction to PMO that caused my erections to be weak.

I still suffer from weak erections and part of that could also be because I’ve been depressed most of my life. I’ve always been a quiet person. Never talked much in the classroom as a kid growing up. Started off being shy and that just evolved into social anxiety. The fear of being around others forced me to be a loner and give up sports as I grew older. My addiction to PMO and my social anxiety go hand in hand. It’s like my addiction increased my social anxiety and my social anxiety increased my addiction. I would spend my day alone at home due to my fear of people and that would lead to more PMO. More PMO just increased my fear and depression. I wish this was something I knew back then but it’s not too late.

December 2019 I achieved a hard erection from stoking lightly after only 4-5 days of no PMO or fantasizing. A post that I saw on this site spoke to me and it’s like something clicked in me that just gave me this strong desire to change. It made me realize and understand how much PMO messed me up. Unfortunately those erections didn’t last long since I went back to PMO and fantasizing. I had more streaks of no PMO with my longest being about 7 months but I was still fantasizing during that time. Now I’m on a 4 week streak and can honestly say this is my best one so far. I’ve been able to cut down the fantasizing to a fraction of what it used to be. Sometimes it lingers for a bit but I’m able to snap out of it and clear my head. Through these four weeks I’ve felt slightly more confident and happy with myself but am still awkward around others but I know that will improve with time. I go to the gym on my own now and feel stronger each week. More benefits will come as my streak rises.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this honest before and it feels good to let things out and I encourage others to let it out because it will help you. The more you let out the less you carry inside you. Please do yourselves a favor and release your thoughts and feelings. YOU ARE WORTH HELPING YOURSELF!!!

 

PIED is mostly mental. My erection was stronger after that 7 month streak but not fully healed. The reason for that is I was still fantasizing throughout the day. I still had thoughts of porn and girls throughout the day and it would give me an erection but I just wouldn’t PMO. It also didn’t help that I would constantly think of my weak erection