Addiction to porn/masturbation

Hello everybody,

I had originally posted this in another online forum a few hours ago however I think I was seeking the wrong type of help so. The fact that I am actually typing this in this forum is giving me anxiety.

This is my personal story that I am sharing for the very first time to the entire public so I am open to advice and possibly therapy and self-help so here it goes.

After living for more than 10 years in self-denial, I am finally acknowledging my addiction to pornography and masturbation in this forum for the very first time in my life. Nobody in my family knows about this so I shall begin my story. Being brutally honest, I started plain masturbating since I was 5 but obviously at the time, I was naive because I was a child. This was my coping mechanism I could use to de-stress and lessen the level of anxiety. Let me be very clear that this had got nothing to do with me being horny or wanting to have sexual relationships with people.

So then over the years, this habit obviously progressed and it would be more continual as things in life became more stressful. It was only when I reached the age of 14, that I discovered pornography but I had not known what this term meant. I am now 23 so whilst still heavily addicted, when I look back at the start of this disgusting journey I cannot help myself but literally tear up and break down every time because the negatives overwhelmingly outweighs the positives. A lot of mood swings, suffering in silence and just increasingly lethargic every day however I somehow developed the art of pretending that I was "normal". As a result when I critically self-assess, I realise why I have no friends. I realise why my relationship with family members is almost negligible despite living with them under the same roof literally! I realise why my mind is toxic and very pessimistic. I also realise why I questioned my sexuality very early on life. The list goes on...

Sometimes I wonder that I may be just exaggerating and that my life isn't that bad, because there are many people out there who are surviving in such dire circumstances that me talking about them doesn't do enough justice so I have said to myself that I just need to suck it up and get a life... This however has not really helped me in anyway shape or form because through the passage of time, the answer became very evident to me which was that I need to take action or at least speak to someone about it!

I think I will leave it at this because I am very distressed at the moment so if anyone can offer any suggestions or advice, please do get in touch.

 

A warm hello to both ChipskKing15 and Nico, thank you to both. I know that I am on my way to recovery but what I have a problem with is inconsistency. I really am speechless actually when it comes to pornography and masturbation because they are still such uncomfortable matters and even unspeakable. The bait may be tempting to take but once taken, the invisible hook attached to the bait scars and continues to wound the individual for however long it can. I am once again stressing this from personal experience because absolutely nothing positive has come out of it. There is a lot of guilt, regret, pretense and all other things associated with depression and anxiety. At times I feel, I may just collapse actually if I verbally spoke to somebody.

The thing I find extremely shocking is the fact that I had normalised this habit up in my mind, deluding myself into believing that I had enough self-control to stop it. And then in the process of self-deception, I was unknowingly but gradually chipping away my energy, rotting and wreaking silent havoc upon myself. It is truly a dark and sadistic experience.