Addiction to sex or real feelings to escort girl?

I been experiencing with escort girls long time. I had attitude at such girls as complete object, where I can pay and I should do everything I want. It never manifest completely, and I never abused escort girl in such level as porn shows even when my mind been wanting those things.

I now caught myself drawing better picture of me, and wanted to tell that it was long time to last escort experience, but actually I been at several Thai massages. By idea to just train myself and rejected offer to jerk off me. No success that time.

Anyway, I decided to do whatever it takes to stop watching porn, after few relapses I feeling confident on my track.
But in middle of that my mind planted idea to go to tantric massage escort girl, and get rewired from porn to real women with a rule to not cum during session.
Girl was young, pretty, have degraded to the leveI where jerking off was her job, nothing more. I was committed to concentrate on girl , not as object of orgasm, but as women.
During massage my mind been telling me: "you can't expect real connection" , "she only selling her service" ," anyway she is real women", "she just did same thing to men couple hours before me , "I need appreciate current moment" , "does she pretend or really like what is she doing" . By short, I been conflicting myself either it's possible to feel connection or it's only their job, however in that meditation state "I decided in my mind that even if it's her job she is not robot and at least I can make sure I'm here with respect, and not to use her in anyway and I try to treat hera as person and give my attention"

It was very erotic, and I could see genuine laugh, smile. We finished cuddling , she definitely felt my attitude.

I went off feeling good and uplifted, I reached my goal to not ejaculate, and felt like " I made world better place by showing real attention to person who's probably is very missing that" .

Next day I begun want to come back to her, my mind playing tricks with me telling things like: "maybe she hasn't chosed her job, maybe there is sad reason she works this job" , "I could try take her out and know her better"

I booked session, I brought her nice IceCream. She seemed more relaxed. She open up to me and told her stories about her family and person life. The session otherwise went similar. After session I took her private number, she seemed she could give me her address or anything of person information I wanted.

Seems like she opening 'the book' to me, and I like to 'read' it.

Next day I texted her for getting out.

.......
As I never been attached to escort girls, and all this begun like idea for rewiring from porn. And actually it worked in some sense, But I feel delusional.
I don't know what is more pathetic is to watch porn or create feelings to tantra massage escort girl.

Guys what you see from side ? What is really happening here?

 

I already texted to get her out, so no more actions from me. And yes, I smell danger .

It's funny how mind works. In past When I almost give no shit about escort girls feelings, I been leaving them and never looked back. I'm pretty sure it would be same with this girl.
But when changed my attitude and it's not trying, it's whom I am -
Men who treats woman as a person, with giving my compassion, and letting them to be as they are. Then I feel vulnerable for delusion. Feels like I either don't understand where to look for red flags or my desperate sex drive overrides my mind with delusions. Probably both. That's will be next task after breaking down porn

 

Every passing hour I'm seeing it more clearly. Now I just don't understand how I can jump in such fantasies so easily