Addiction worse than masturbation NEED HELP

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by BeyondAesthetics, Jan 10, 2014.

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  1. I'm afraid you misunderstood me, but seeing your response I can understand why. It's not exactly about not fantasizing, but not acting upon your fantasy. I mean it's about deciding whether you want to give into your urges or not. If you follow them blindly, then you're right, it's animalistic behavior. But there's no free will in following your instincts.
    The variety, excitement and whatever you carve for (not you, personally) actually destroys the relationship and marriage. True sexuality -in my point of view- can only be achieved in a strong marriage. Basically, you focus on quality over quantity. But you can't have both. Either you form one but deep connection or many shallow ones.
    The thing is, we humans feel ourselves the best in only one real bond. Not many. Maybe genetically we want to spread ourselves to many women, but that will not cause us fulfillment, only pleasure.
    I srongly think that swingers, polygamy and open relationships are destroying society. They shatter real bonds, breaks up the institute of a family, and confuse everyone and only leave behind used, empty, sad human beings.

    In short. You don't become a cheater, because you have urges. You become a cheater when you give into them. We are humans and NOT animals. It is our job to rise above our animalistic urges but not by surpressing them, but taming them. That's why we are here on nofap in the first place.
    But nevertheless, you are entitled to your opinion and so am I. I wish you a long and clean streak.
  2. Yes, I agree. I wrote almost the same at the same time. :)
  3. iliander

    iliander Fapstronaut

    haha indeed :)

    one more thing though:

    acting upon the urge to fantasize (which means fantasizing) is bad also.
  4. Blue

    Blue Fapstronaut

    We are all dealing with addiction to sex in one form or another whether it is porn or excessive masturbation or prostitutes or anonymous hook-ups. Bringing all this judgment and moral high-handedness into the discussion does nothing but induce shame. You cannot shame an addict into recovery. If he is addicted, then he is dealing with compulsive behavior which he cannot resist without help. And that's why we are all here. Those of you sneering down your adolescent noses are here because you jack off all the time to some vile porn and don't have girlfriends. You gave into urges; does that make you horrible people? According to some of you, it does.

    Yes, we need to resist urges, and no, none of us here could do it alone. That's why we try to encourage each other and share our experience, strength, and hope so all of us can recover and become better people.
  5. iliander

    iliander Fapstronaut

    I always disagree with your posts and I have no idea how you became a moderator.

    Shame? One HAS to be ashamed of himself if he does something bad. Shame is not bad, that's the same idiocy as saying hate is bad. One must hate what is bad and love what is good, not love everything. These days it is Satan that wants you to think one should love and tolerate everything, this way evil has the opportunity to grow and eventually draw people away from what is good, resulting in loving what is bad and hating what is good.

    NO ONE HERE needs other people to get rid of his addiction. This community is extremely helpful, but no one NEEDS this. Your statement is completely false.
  6. Blue

    Blue Fapstronaut

    Little 17 year old boy, you need a time out. See you in a few days.
  7. I appreciate all point of views but I can't entertain a discussion with people who posit that those seeking sexual variety are under the influence of Satan, or in any case intrinsically bad or evil. I would think that it is precisely that line of black and white thinking that causes us to repress our urges in unhealthy ways (and no, I do not see PMO as being a healthy release of these urges either). I have had people come to me in my more rowdy days with moral high ground arguments against libertine lifestyles only to find out that some of these people committed extramarital affairs (one in particular with his wife's younger sister). We've seen the church and its followers abuse their powers and influence for sexual satisfaction among even the most vulnerable members of their own societies, not to mention societies they conquered.

    To keep denying reality and our natural urges is at times irresponsible and can be the cause of a lot of pain and damage for the individual and his loved ones. Someone who has repressed his sexual urges so strongly can, in a moment of weakness, relieve in the urge in an extremely irresponsible way (sleeping with your partner's sibling) rather than a relatively much less damaging way for the family (PMO and even an escort). It is also exactly this black and white thinking that confuse individuals into thinking that acting on their biological urges consists in no longer loving their partner or respecting their union. Hence if your puritan selves found yourselves one day intoxicated and woke up in the bedroom of another girl, you'd have no choice but to tell your partners and be at high risk of breaking up your families (unless you are hypocrites, which would not surprise me in the slightest), instead of accepting the act for what it is (meaningless when compared to the importance of your family) and moving on with life. Maybe that's why in part divorce rates are so high: people, denying the biological reality, make lifelong commitments only to break them up once their partner's tits start to sag and they're in the mood for something younger. Instead of living out this fantasy in a short lived sort of way, their commitment to some religion-fuelled concept of monogamy means that they can't have both. So they dump their wife and kids to make another lifelong commitment to yet another person. I can't help but think of anything less reasonable for the family, yet I know many people like this: husbands who become very successful or wives that want to upgrade. I don't know which is worst but you cannot pretend your fairy tale concept of monogamy is better for society by any sure means.

    The stigma of more sexual freedom and non-monogamous relationships is lessening everyday alongside the influence of religion in the Western world. Given that the church has tried to snuff this biological urge for thousands of years and has failed, it would be surprising if non-monogamy doesn't become more popular. Already the divorce rate is so high and people tend to agree that lifelong unions are unrealistic in this day and age, yet by many other measures of prosperity the world is doing better everyday. Is it finally because we can be nuanced about things and don't have to follow oppressing cannons shoved down our throats about what's wrong and what's right for each and every individual on this planet? Would it finally be because we have the freedom to lead the lives we want to instead of ones dictated by millenia of religious dogma?

    If you are religious, you need not be angry at me. This is the slowly unfolding reality that's replacing the traditions of our ancestors. I am just very sorry that we're not advanced enough in this line of thinking and are still living in the shadow of those traditions so that still today it is very inconvenient, complicated and badly seen to not PRETEND to be in a monogamous lifelong relationship. But to be fair, I will not discount the contribution monogamy likely had on the functioning and organization of today's society.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2014
  8. Yeah, I'm sorry about the judgmental posts, OP.

    If you can admit that porn addiction is a reality (and especially if you admit suffering from it), then I don't see how acknowledging sex addiction is a major step in logic.

    Obviously, this is conjecture/speculation, but I think surfing for prostitutes can provide a similar dopamine buzz that surfing PMO does. Whereas with PMO you observe, with prostitutes you participate, so there is likely some alternative- but again, similar- mechanism at play there.

    There have been men who report not being able to get an erection for an SO but being perfectly fine when it comes to prostitutes, so perhaps there is a link between the establishment of sex as a mechanical transaction rather than an organic exchange.

    I believe you should not have to pay for sex. Seduction is an important thing in this world, handsome.
  9. Jesus Christ, this is not a religious forum.
  10. Great points, don't wholly agree with you, but interesting nonetheless.

    I really think the increasing divorce rate as well as agitation with monogamy may be artifacts of porn consumption. Perhaps so, but even more just being controlled by sexual, short-term impulses than by viewing the long term picture. I say this more because I'm a romantic and hope to be able to sustain a relationship for so long (as many people have). I don't think monogamy is unrealistic, I think the way society functions (short-term gains to replace delay gratification) needs monogamy to be unrealistic to fulfill itself. Sexual advertising is increasing tenfold; if you can control your reactions to this kind of new media, you're probably set to stand out from a crowd of people who can only see the short term.

    Also, there are plenty of traditional cultures which were not necessarily monogamous. Some tribes engaged in orgies (while tripping on shrooms by the way) that made it so that men could no longer trace their lineages. Imagine how much that changed the dynamic. The aborigines apparently just had sex with everyone.

    It would probably require an actually scholarly analysis, but I think the movement of Christianity (particularly Catholicism) towards the suppressing of sexual energy is derived from the medieval ages. A whole section of that religion mandates avoidance and suppression of sexual feelings and ideas. This is not always the case as some religions, like Hinduism, contain very liberal expressions of sexuality (though still in a monogamous setting).
  11. Okay I get it. I do not agree, for I think sexual freedom and living out your urges is not the remedy to the problems of marriages but the cause of them. Sexuality is way too powerful than to let it just roam free, we need to harness it and channel it to a way what is best for us. For some guys like me, it's through a healthy marriage. For others it might be different. Personally I don't want to have sex with many girls because I don't need that. Also I had my fair share, there's nothing new I'd like to try. I just want a relationship to be fulfilling, and for me that can only achieved by sticking to one girls until the end.
    I can also say that I will never cheat on anyone. Not because my religion prohibits it, but I choose not to do that. It's about the power of choice. I can make a decision and I can stick to it, no matter what.

    Also marriage is not for everyone, everybody has to decide for themselves. We under no circumstances should generalise. This way we can avoid become hypocrites. I feel that you are very angry for some reason DateofLies. You must have a good reason for that, I won't argue with you. I just hope that everything will work out for you.
  12. This needed to be said. This is a forum where people can find the help they need, and I've seen a lot of unhelpful bullshit in this thread.


    Back on track, OP, you may need something more than this forum to help you. I don't know if you can afford it or not, but I would strongly recommend therapy. As mentioned by a few others, it seems to be that to get the same dopamine rush, porn is just not enough anymore, and these escort services have started to take over that place. But what happens when escorts become no longer enough to give you that rush? I shudder at the thought.

    Also, it's tough to say this, but you need to tell your girlfriend ASAP. It may very well break up your relationship, but that is the reality of addiction. I hope she decides to support you through this, I really do. But the lies have to stop.

    I hope you can find the help you need, and I wish you all the best in your recovery and in your future. I'll pray for you.
  13. NoFapacc

    NoFapacc Fapstronaut

    I haven't read all the comments, but my advice; if you really care for your girlfriend. Stop what you're doing.
    If you feel bad after these visits, then that means you probably love her. I will not tell you what to do, i don't know your situation.
    But you could try to stop watching porn, watching escortsites, etc. After a while you might see this escort thing as something disqusting. And then it will be easier. Try spending more time with your girlfriend having sex, try new things maybe.
    Good luck mate
  14. Hey, man!

    I understand why u banned iliander, he got personal with you. But you really didn't have to do the same and call him names. Moderating should be impersonal, and if you are a moderator for a good reason, nothing that people tell you should shake your confidence in your skills. Or am I wrong?
  15. undeath52

    undeath52 Fapstronaut

    Ok, as a Christian, I feel that I need to step in for a second just to explain something to my brother here that he probably never took the time to read about in the Bible.

    27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’[a] 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
    Matthew 5:27-28

    Read through the gospels and see if Jesus ever got mad at the repentant sinner, or at the judgmental and religious pharisees. Realize that we are all in the same boat here. No one in this thread who claims to follow Christ can talk like this, ESPECIALLY in your situation.

    Sorry guys, I know it's not a religious forum. I apologize for my rant. That should stop the religious-types from throwing stones at least in this thread.
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2014
  16. therjdude

    therjdude Fapstronaut

    If you are truly sorry about this, understand that what you have done is really, really bad, asshole-ish bad, talk to your girlfriend, tell her you are not into her anymore and you both have to move on, this will hurt her less than if you told her what you really did, don't tell yourself you love her because you don't, if you did you wouldn't have done this.

    That relationship MUST NOT continue after what you have done!

    End the relationship, then sit down and think everything through, am i doing alright?, am i happy with what i am doing at the moment? If yes, continue to, if no, then man up, it can get better if you work hard, find hobbies that keep you away from such bad habits, like sports, gym, photography, anything you find interesting! And when the strongest urges come, close your eyes and think about how bad you will feel after you finish doing what ever you are thinking of doing at the moment of the urge, then go and get a cold shower, or get around people and talk to them!

    But please again, end the relationship if you still care the least bit about her.
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2014
  17. I don't want to get offensive but this is really silly advice. Really silly.
  18. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

    While we all battle with the morals of cheating, whether to confess, either to your god or to your girlfriend, or just diss each other, we may not have noticed that the OP has not posted for the last 5 days, since his original post.

    BeyondAesthetics, come back to us. Don't give up and don't be put off. You are in the company of a lot of frustrated, grumpy, confused addicted men who are here to help, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

    Let's try this again. Big hugs!
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