Well at 27 years old I haven't learned much about the meaning of life or how to absorb the true beauty in things and haven't taken the time to learn how. Having based most of what I think is cool or beautiful off other peoples testimonies. The closest thing that I have had to freedom is or living on the edge is growing my hair out in the military, individualizing my body with tattoos of things that I hold dear. Now looking back to where it all began where I went wrong to try and fix the way that I think and process things is where this story begins. I last remember trying to please friends, family and neighbors, teachers and brothers and sisters at church. I learned what made them proud and to think the way that they do, as well as believe that their way was the right way and if I did anything any different I was a disappointment or it was just down right wrong. I learned to stay clean and to think that anyone who smoked cigarettes, drank beer, or did drugs were bad people. I learned that you dont have sex until you’re married and that you dont live with anyone until youre married, you dont curse or get mad over things and just learn to deal with it. If you're upset or there is something wrong you just learn to deal with it or ignore it. Learning to be myself was and still is the hardest things to do without having anyone else to influence you. Now laying emotionally flatlined; dead on futures table I am doing what I can in my power to revive my life for my wife, my children, and myself. First off I must say I did this to myself and there is no one else to blame. Life is serious and it sure as hell ain’t no game. I blinded and binded my soul, my emotions with a violent pornography wrecking my dopamine drip now flowing like maple syrup on a cold winter morning. The spicketts gone dry and now it's time to yank it out and to try something new so that I can be happy like a summers stream full of life where everyone comes down just to taste life. Shut off from reality; the feelings that I’ve lost, the emotions that I haven’t felt in years bring a mental, emotional, soulistic, stomach cringhing shock. I've ignored and let things of the world perverse my mentality and mental state with false depictions of happiness and beauty and the reality of the world we live in. Finding the strippers porno mag float over in the irrigation and for some reason at 11 I thought it was gross but somehow was still drawn to it. After about 2 weeks of looking at it I felt something inside me tell me that it was bad so I threw it out and months after doing so I craved it and would always think about what I saw. With my parents always fighting I was so busy that i had forgotten all about it. Years later after my parents were divorced and having gone through puberty and all of my friends were losing their virginity and they were being scolded for doing so I turned to the press and the internet to satisfy the craving for human interaction without getting in trouble learning to live a double live and hide it in fear of being scolded. Locked up in the house before and after school and not being able to go to friends houses I would sneak off to the bathroom to satisfy myself. When at my dads he never talked to us much and didn't talk about feelings or how we should feel. Then I got caught and immediately blamed my sister refusing to take responsibility and from being scolded but he knew better and I got scolded anyway. No knowledge of how to unleash these feelings I began to feel down, depressed and with no ones interest of how I felt I suppressed myself and what I felt and did. Years later being in the military and I still had my virginity and tried to do things the way that others intended and talked to a girl that I thought was interested in me and that gave me all the attention that I hadn’t had before so I thought that I was in”love” so after a few short months as unconventional as it was we mutually just decided to get married and we did and I lost my virginity to her and thought that I had found the one creating that emotional and physical tie to her I felt bound but later finding out that she had those ties with many men it broke my heart and tore me apart she left with guilt so and I drank profusely to try to escape reality, humiliated in front of the world and my family and most of all myself. I argued with myself constantly confused of why this happened to me even though I did everything the “right” way. Now being a drunk I learned to satisfy myself when things went wrong I turned back to porn because It made things easier to just get off and getting over it and using it to cope with the fear of loss and humiliation that I have been through before which isn’t healthy at all, with no one to help or knowing any better that was my own way of coping. After a few years of this I randomly got a wild turkey hair up my ass and decided that the way I was living was wrong and decided to quit drinking and looking at porn and to focus on myself to get right in the head and to get right in my mind. During this period in my life I met a woman that challenged me a free soul, someone I wanted to be like someone who told me when I was messed up and someone who helped me to be a better man. I lied to her and hid my embarrassment from her and anything that I could that I thought may impact the way she saw me. Little did I know that she loved me for me and wanted to help me but being stubborn and stupefied I felt that I knew best and lived a double life one of which i had hidden my issues which gave me a false vesaud of perfection something that i’m sure not. I thought that I always knew what was best but the truth is I just knew how to not look like an idiot but once my guts and shortcomings showed they started to unravel and made me what I was a complete idiot. I neglected the people who cared about me most and didn't tend to their feelings and it hurts to see them hurt. If it wasn't for my wife I would continue to go down that road without any kind of self reflection. She scrutinized me and as embarrassing as it was telling her that I had a problem she It made her disgusted of me for the pig that I am. I know that I hurt her and made her feel unwanted and that having this problem that It made me emotionally dead and neglectful. Lately I have been self analyzing myself and questioned why I cant feel and want to so badly feel again how to be happy and sad and live life with enthusiasm. I found that I have desensitized myself and want to reverse it the best I can and learn how to feel again and to make right what I made wrong. So for 6 days now I have not once wanted to look at anything but my wife and kids and fell good about it but I can finally feel the pain that I have caused my wife, sure it’s not good but it’s good that I can feel at the least. I hope that someday I can fully feel and give her and my children the father and husband they deserve and that I can with full confidence that I am truly sorry and that I was selfish and wrong and that maybe someday, just someday they will forgive me. My goal for the future is to put my faith in God pray everyday and that he will give me the strength and to learn to live through my children and to focus on the good and to show my wife and children how much they truly mean to me and actually “be there”.