HELLO! I wanna share my experience. Experience of 31 year old man who was abusing himself for 20 years. Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step... and a decision to do it ! It takes mix of courage, fear, uncertainty and belief. NoFAP journey is no different. Sit down, breathe in and listen to fairytale I wanna tell you. The opposite of addiction is connection. YEARS OF MY PAST LIFE 0-10 As a kid I was happy, spontaneous, curious but also very sensitive person. It was easy to make me cry, for example I cried when I saw homeless man or a dog. Change came when I was 10 and discovered this – position of lying on a belly mixed with erection and 20-30 minutes of constant movement of pelvis that was ending in blissfull state of chill. It was also beginning of my fall. 10-19 What was once for pleasure became my running mechanism, to dull my sensitivity. I was getting drained more and more, of course I wasn't aware about it. Numb, empty like a shell, slowly my motivation started to decrease, together with willpower, mental clarity. Mood started to drop down, no enjoyment of life, no spontaneity, no connection with people. No girlfriend, impending loneliness. Lack of connection with parents, school destroying me, lack of identity. And so when I was 19 depression hit me hard – I nearly hanged myself. I was one big cup of frustration and despair. 19 - 27 From 19 to 27 I was living in mist, no direction, no purpose, no feelings, no energy. Also when I was 21 I started to watch constatly like once every 2-3 days porn, but I was masturbating once a day for 20 years. Living alone for 5 years I experienced so deep state of loneliness that I was cuddling to myself and crying sometimes. Not a single person was able to help me. I was scared that I will kill someone or will kill myself. Luckily I wasn't smoking weed and alcohol was always bad for me so I wasn't abusing him. I hadn't soul. I hadn't had a girlfriend, I was virgin until 28. I was scared of women because I was a nutshell. People was sensing my lack of energy and I was often unnoticed by the rest of the group. My ego was as big as a sun, culture and school programmed me well to be slave to this greedy system. Without pupose and energy I was doing 9-5 grind and also tried to save myself by running, martial arts, subculture, yerba mate etc but I always met a wall that was unable to destroy and I was coming back to old mechanism and negativity. Amount of negative people I was attracting then is scary to me when I see it now. I suffered from binge eating. Kind of porn I was attracted to became weirder and weirder, spiral down to most disgusting shit human can invent to get dopamine high, I will not go into details, I'm getting nauseous when I think about that. 27 – now But it is in past now. One book kickstarted in dec 2014 my journey of self discovery and for next 2 years I was totally concentrated on self development and reading books. I had read about 80 in 18 months. Was going through subjects of buddhism, shamanism, quantum physics, mythology, mysticism, bodywork, trauma releasing, breathing techniques, mindfulness and also I was going into masculine problems like lack of father, mentor etc. But PMO was the last and the most important thing that I realised as the last one. Thing to notice – I would love to write more details about my past PMO life and symptoms but I literally forgot how my life was fucked up. Hope you will find yourself between these lines. NOFAP JOURNEY And so my journey began – since 28th Jan 2017 I entered the war zone, I was like knight that have to beat the dragon to release the princess – which is not so far from truth. I made decision to finally be a man, be emotionally mature, responsible about myself and my actions. It was the most crazy ride I had in my life. I had to face everything I was running away from. I experienced deep states of loneliness, craziness, paranoya, strange and difficult emotions and feelings. I experienced one week in my life like everything and myself was unreal, like I doesn't ever existed. Some stronger or weaker urges and one big, monstrous urge strong as a dragon, I thought I will die If I will not surrender. But I beat this monster and since 3 months I have calm space to live my life. I had couple of setbacks but I never binged and fully relapsed ( I saw couple of times P and Oed within minute cos I have PE, not even touching my penis). From the beginning I had this mindest that „ No matter what I will not PMO” and this phrase helped me, like kind of magic spell. I had mindset that I don't have to fight because this monster is my own power that I was still unaware about it back then. I knew that I had to incorporate new strategies and routine to replace old coping mechanisms. Slowly, I mean REALLY SLOOOOOOOWLY I started to build myself up. PROCESS OF HEALING Together with not PMOing physically I had to recognize patterns and reasons why I'm doing it. I started to discover more and more layers of my psyche, traumas, tensions, memories, hurts, weight I was carrying, tears uncried and fears untold. I knew that I have to put off all possible things from my previous life that was blocking my energy, all that weight I was carrying in my mind but what happened since may is rather speechless. May – December 2017 I decided to enter The Path of the Heart. I quit my job, cut off all contact with friends and parents, I let myself to be alone and be myself totally. No media, no routine, no system. I meet my mentor. Yes. The golden-hearted man that is aware how mind and ego works and started to teach me how my mind works, how all programs and schemes works, showed me areas in my mind that I have to process to remove energetic blocks. He helped me with putting off of me all memories and all that shit that was my weight collected during lifetime. It was during intense meditation retreats. Hours of meditation and hours of talks. I started to defroze my body and mind. Pure cleanse. Urges fade totally away, PMO started to be like some distant unreal dream. P flashbacks started to vanish off of my mind. Since april I'm living in Real Home, with caring and loving people, never alone, always with someone to talk sincere. Close to nature in countryside, with calm sorrounding, avoiding media, city etc as hell. And with constant awareness to develop ourselves. So it's total opposite to how I lived before. Loneliness is one of the main factors that makes reboot so hard. I wasn't aware of that until I started to live around other people. I always had mindset that I must cope with everything on my own. Bullshit. My pride and ego wasn't allowing me to ask for help. TOOLS THAT HELPED ME IN REBOOT,WITHOUT EVERY SINGLE ONE I WOULDN'T SUCCEED ACT OF COURAGE – DECISION TO STEP OUT OF COMFORT ZONE Nothing less nothing more – learn how to be brave by stepping out of comfort zone. Development and life in general happens outside of comfort zone. Comfort, warmth and overeating liquidates our brains, I experienced it firsthand. Courage is not lack of fear but acting despite of fear. It's masculine attitude - just act and don't surrender to emotions and feelings, they are often misleading us. GUIDANCE OF OLDER MAN Important - what was once done by elders nowadays is forgotten. Guidance by the one who walked outside of labyrinth of mind. When you are aware how your mind works he will not surprise you anymore. DISCONNECTING TOTALLY FROM PREVIOUS LIFE ( IN EVERY ASPECT) Changes are often painful but oftentime they are necessary – you cannot fill filled glass with some fresh water – you have to empty glass to put something new there. SECURITY , LOVE AND AWARENESS To be in safe place where you can be yourself, without judgement. Where you can heal your wounds. Where you are simply safe. MEDITATION Second important thing – to see and dissolve every unnecessary thing from mind, to reclaim awareness, clarity and calmness. TALKS Helps to understand ourselves better as often things became visible when we are starting to name them. They are therapeutic. ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE: AYAHUASCA Sacred medicine plant that helped me tremendously by showing me the true nature of me and world. KAMBO Powerful frog excretion that helps to activate immune system, also helps to remove energetic blocks from body. FASTING It helps to repair mind and body in a way normal medicine will not be able ever. It stops urges because all energy is turned to inside of body to heal ourselves. BREATHING Started it inspired by WIM HOF it can quiet mind, heal our body and allow us to enter altered state of consciousness - powerful tool available for us in every moment COLD SHOWERS What can I say more ? WALKING IN NATURE Important but often forgotten part of reboot. WILLPOWER TRAINING It's important to truly recognize how to train willpower and from that point we are reclaiming ourselves from greedy mind. EXPERINCING MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGY WITHOUT SEXUALIZATION In other words, looking at people in non sexualized way, allowing ourselves to contact and show our true psychical side to man od woman in secure environment. BOOKS Philosopical and psychological in general. HOW I CHANGED I'M HAPPY I UNDERSTOOD POWER AND IMPORTANCE OF SEXUAL ENERGY I RECLAIMED MY SENSITIVITY I HAD AS A KID I FEEL PURE AND TRUSTWORTHY, DONT HAVE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET STABLE MOOD, I KNOW I'M SENSUAL AND INTERESTING PERSON TALLER BODY, CLEAR EYES, SMILE, GLOWING SKIN AND FACE, DEEPER VOICE I BECAME LOVE, FEEL LOVE AND CAN CONNECT WITH OTHER PEOPLE I'M MYSELF, I'M LETTING ME TO BE MYSELF I RENEWED CONTACT AND RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS I'M WEARING COLORFUL CLOTHES MORE SELF CONFIDENCE, POSITIVE MOOD, EASY TO LAUGH I'M GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE AND EXPERIENCE I'M GUIDED BY FEELING INSTEAD OF THINKING I FINALY FOUND MY PURPOSE AND DID A SOLID BASE TO GROW ON IT FEMALE FRIENDS TOLD ME THAT ME AND MY ENERGY CHANGED IN A WAY THEY ARE UNABLE TO DESCRIBE I STARTED TO PLAY GUITAR AND I'M DISCOVERING HEALING SIDE OF SOUND I'M NOT OBSESSED ABOUT SEX AND MY PENIS, NOT OBJECTIFYING AND JUDGING PEOPLE ANYMORE. I'M MY BEST FRIEND AND I'M NOT OBSESSED ABOUT GIRLS AND RELATIONSHIP I KNOW AND FEEL HOW IMPORTANT IS SEMEN. I'M MORE MINDFUL AND LIVING IN PRESENT MOMENT. COLOURS ARE MORE VIVID, SOUND IS MORE BEAUTIFUL I EXPERIENCE NATURE DEEPER IN A WAY I CANNOT DESCRIBE MY EATING DISORDER HAS GONE SIMPLE THINGS LIKE WALKING, MEETING PEOPLE AND TALKS ARE SO MUCH ENJOYABLE, I COULDN'T EVER DREAM. I'M INTERESTED IN MY LIFE, TAKING ACTION AND GO IN DIRECTION I NEED MY REACTION TO STRESS AND OBSTACLES IS NORMAL, STRESS AND UNKNOWN SITUATIONS ARE NOT THREAT TO ME. I KNOW HOW IS TO BE MORE PASSIVE AND I DISCOVERED MY FEMININE SIDE. I DON'T PROCRASTINATE ANYMORE I'M READY AND HAVE CHOICE IF TO CREATE REAL AND MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP OR NOT. I FORGOT HOW IT IS TO BE TIRED. I HAVE ENERGY I QUIT ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE, SUGAR AND MEAT RECLAIMED MY PHONE LAPTOP MIND AND SOULD FROM PMO. MANY PROBLEMS I HAD DURING REBOOT NOW DOESN'T EXIST LIKE FEAR OF REJECTION OR FEAR OF PE POST SCRIPTUM Today is my 101 day but its 328 in total and I tell you every single day of nofap counts. I couldn't ever imagine that I will hit this amount of days. I'm free from PMO, my last addiction - food - gone away about month ago and since this point I started to train my willpower truly because month ago I finally came to understanding how mind,brain and training willpower works. It's all about comfort zone - when you are surrendering to your mind and are staying in comfort zone your mind grows but when you are intentionally stepping out of comfort zone - then you are growing and your mind looses control on you. It works this way ALWAYS ! Until the point when you will have more control over you than your mind, and then he will surrender and will support you in stepping out of comfort zone. Imagine what can happen when your mind is cooperating with you. I'm experiencing it now. I literaly forgot how it is to be stuck in PMO cycle and how it is like to wank constantly. I don't remember and don't wanna recall this memories. I couldn't even imagine or dream in january that I will reach this stage of NoFAP this year. To all you brothers and sisters who are struggling with reboot – Never Surrender ! This hardship will finally pay it's reward to you but you have to persist. NAMASTE
This is amazing. I'm speechless, I truly am. Congratulations on finding yourself, that is the most sacred thing anyone can do in their lifetime. I'm 39 now and I know that I'm on the right path and I hope someday that I experience something close to your experiences. Namaste, my friend. I'm glad that it turned out this way for you.
Thank you ! Thank you! Persist and you will be there I guarantee you ! It's incredibly beautiful ! Thank you. I will write more in details about parts of my reboot journey, this is the introduction.
this is EXACTLY what i'm going through these days (day 26 today). I have to face everything i was running away from with PMO, antidepressants and microdosing weed (vaping small amounts, just to stable my mood). And just like you, i am expiriencing hell on earth. What helps me a lot is meditation and cold showers (which i take at least two times a day). Cold showers are (as many of you who tried them know) the worst thing your body can expirience in first minute under cold water. But i am willing to go through that every day, just to get out of my depressive, anxious, demotivated mind. I am not willing to go back to PMO, weed and other stimulants (i used to eat A LOT of suggar too) just to mask the problem. Never, fucking never again.
Very thoroughly written piece. A big congrats to you brother!! Question: I've been smoking cigarette and having some bad flashbacks memories with my parents (I live with my parents). I still have low energy. I still am lonely. How can I get out of my comfort zone and start know how mind works?
Congrats bro, I'm unable to describe my feelings after reading that you detailed the problem, the solution and benefits and it's more than awesome. Thank you bro. God bless you
Persist and these will pass I guarantee you, also congrats on quitting sugar, this drug is so much destructive - he is feeding mind so urges and emotions are being fueled up. Thank you and remember that your own success story awaits to be written. Thank you, leaving comfort zone is from cold showers, quitting PMO and cigarettes, to leaving all your comfort behind and living in tent in some cold country but these are extremities. Simply getting out of comfort is doing things that your mind don't wanna (like showers or exercise) do or denying things that your mind want (warmth, constant eating, constant pleasure, lack of uncertainty in life, predictable situations etc.) As I wrote in my post every time your are consciously and willingfully stepping oout of comfort zone simply often named MOVING YOUR ASS you are building your strength and mind is loosing control over you, but when you are surrendring to your desires you are being weaker and weaker and your mind is driving you, you know it well because you are PMO addict. I don't know why you have low energy it can be from bad diet ( coffee, sugar, meat, also cigarettes are stealing your energy), lack of movement and contact withnature to situations where something like unwanted relationships or routine is sucking energy from you. You can write me PM, giving me more details so I can better answer you. Meditation will help with memories and moving away from your parents is one of the best decisions you can make to became a man. Thank you Aloha, hope it will give you strength to persist, forward to victory brother ! Thank you !
Lots of love my friend, your words had a really encouraging and inspiring impact on me. I´ve been there as well about 2 years ago, found myself, felt what a powerful and loving being i really am, was connected to my inner self, to nature, to everyone around me. I was a ball of oure happyness, joy, love, compassion and positive energy. Then suddenly everything changed and for nearly 1 1/2 years now I´m experiencing this alienated feeling towards everything. It´s probably what you were experiencing for a week. I didn´t know myself anymore, it´s like I had no self, like I never existed. Everything around me looked strange, like i was in a different dimension. I couldn´t recognise my friends and family anymore, it was very scary and i had many panic attacks. Later i found out that there is a term in the western world for it: depersonalisation. My own understanding is that it´s another process of spiritual awakening. Back when I felt like you are now it was like i was awake for the first time in my life. Now it´s like I´ve been dreaming for the llast 18 months. Everything seemed so unreal. But fortunately I´m slowly learning to accept my situation and myself, how I am right now. I´mm learning to feel the pain, feel the confusion, the fear, the hopelesness and the despair. What also helps me to come back to the present moment is meditation and grounding. I´m practicing positive affirmations, eat a healthy vegan diet with no sugar, drink heaps of water and tea and just try to calm down. It´s a lot of ups and downs at the moment, but the ups are getting more and they feel more real as well. Do you have any intuitive suggestions what i could try to heal and connect myself further ? I know that it takes patience and self love, but sometimes it´s still very difficult. Arohanui and Namaste my friend
Google "ego death" and tell me if that is what you are expiriencing. Because that is exactly same thing people on psychadelics "achieve". You loose "yourself" - your Ego, your story. And that is actually very, VERY strong achievement. (sorry for bad English)
ohh by the way.. losing ego or depersonalisation is scary as hell because you lose your story and you remain Being. Listen to some of Eckhart Tolle videos on youtube. I lost ego just once for few hours on psychadelics and i agree it can be scary. But believe me or not, that is whole point of becomimg enlighten. Don't panic. You are just losing your story, not Being. You will learn A LOT from that. You will learn what really matters in life. Whenever you feel that, accept that and learn from it. I (and a lot of other people) have to spend hours meditating to expirience a fragment of that "lost". To leave "my story" behind. Like you would be born again this moment without story, without memory. This is strong tool for self development, my friend. Use it wisely.
Hey man thank you so much for your words, they gave me a lot of hope and positivity I don´t need to google it, because at the times leading to my enlightenment I was definitely letting my ego go. Many insights came to me while smoking pot and meditating and i saw myself more and more clearly, all my flaws, talents and also everything is was too attached to. So i let go of all those attachment like material things (I deeply understood that they don´t bring me real joy and happiness, at the peak i didn´t consider anything as "mine" i realised that i can´t really possess anything, so i was sharing everything), the need of approval/attention, the need to achieve soomething or become someone, the need to search for love outide then myself (once i really accepted who i was with all my positive and negative thoughts i then had so much love for myself and thus was able to love everything and everyone around me, thus according to the law of attraction it all came back to me), the need to control things asf.. Your english is brilliant btw Hmm yes it feels like I´m born with no memory and history. So just accepting it and continuing my life is the thing to do here ? I strongly believe that iif you continue with your meditation you can achieve your goals in life, for me it was all about letting go and acceptance. You´re an amazing soul, i wish you the best of luck. Lots of love my friend
Again thank you so much Your words help me to acknowledge it as something positive, something that´s gonna lead me somewhere. Thank you <3
Hi Arohanui ! What you are describing looks like your are going through kind of spiritual emergency, it means that your false self or ego is being shattered to show you your true self but you have no one to guide you in this process so you are now a bit suspended in this state. Firstly you have to meditate what 'I' mean. I believe I was experiencing it for a week as I wrote, strange and difficult state but luckily I went forward. I feel that conventional medicine will not help you, you should try Vipsassana meditation retreat, Ayahuasca retreat or find someone who will guide you through this process, I know it is possible to find people who are walking shamanic path of healing and can also guide the ones that are stuck in their process of individuation (becoming the self). This is all I can say based on your description, also grounding and contact with nature is important like walking, breathing fresh air, catching sun, swimming in cold lake, hiking mountains and forests, contact with fire, walkking barefeet and pysical exercises like yoga, it should help you to reconnect. Arohanui friend and good luck! Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you !
