Advice - How to help my friend? And start him on NoFap?

BackToManhood · Feb 4, 2016

I've got a buddy who is constantly degrading himself. He has a reputation among my friends to talk shit about himself a lot. He literally says, "I'm such a piece of shit", and stuff like that. Everyone always tells him it's not true but he just insists.

He's just in a bad place in life. He's living in a town he hates with a shitty job because his degree doesn't really get him anything.

He's an avid porn user and very open about it. I've mentioned to him that I did NoFap before and showed him my (old) journal, and he said he was glad it helped me, but later he was talking about porn again. But even though he's open about it, he comes from a conservative background like me, so I know it's just eating him up inside with guilt.

I've tried giving him some life-coaching kind of advice, about how he can get out of this town and find a better job somewhere else and improve his life, but he doesn't listen, he just says, "No, I can't because I'm a shitty person."

How to help someone like this? I think first of all he needs to quit PMO. Any advice?

MyNameIsX · Feb 4, 2016

He doesn't want your help. He wants your attention when you pander to him when he's self destructive. You and all your friends have fallen right into his trap. He probably doesn't even realise he's set a trap.

Learn about codependency and make sure you're looking after yourself.

JoeinUSA · Feb 4, 2016

MyNameIsX said: ↑

He doesn't want your help. He wants your attention when you pander to him when he's self destructive. You and all your friends have fallen right into his trap. He probably doesn't even realise he's set a trap.

Learn about codependency and make sure you're looking after yourself.
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Wow, I'm often insightful, but I didn't pick that up. Good insight!

BackToManhood · Feb 5, 2016

MyNameIsX said: ↑

He doesn't want your help. He wants your attention when you pander to him when he's self destructive. You and all your friends have fallen right into his trap. He probably doesn't even realise he's set a trap.

Learn about codependency and make sure you're looking after yourself.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. That's what I figured. I'll look into codependency. So do you think that I can't persuade him to start NoFap?

MyNameIsX · Feb 5, 2016

BackToManhood said: ↑

So do you think that I can't persuade him to start NoFap?
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Its a tricky situation.

I think what you need to do is talk to your friends. Put together a plan for an intervention style meeting with him. Make it absolutely clear to him that you're sick of his inability to help himself. Tell him what he needs to do to get his shit together, including nofap and getting a fulfilling job/life.

Tell him unless he is making concrete progress towards putting in place the plan that you have laid out for him within 6 months or something, you're all done with him. You need to be firm with him, stay the course, and be absolutely willing to cut him off if he doesn't follow through.

Think about the scene in Fight Club behind the shop, with the shop assistant where Tyler takes his drivers licence and holds a gun to his head and threatens him unless he is back in school to become a Vet.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SMART_criteria

Try to get him to go to a therapist.

Buzz Lightyear · Feb 5, 2016

That's a good point mynameisx mentions. The people you spend a lot of time with are going to influence you a lot. Try to help him help himself, but if he doesn't want to change.....

BackToManhood · Feb 6, 2016

MyNameIsX said: ↑

Its a tricky situation.

I think what you need to do is talk to your friends. Put together a plan for an intervention style meeting with him. Make it absolutely clear to him that you're sick of his inability to help himself. Tell him what he needs to do to get his shit together, including NoFap and getting a fulfilling job/life.

Tell him unless he is making concrete progress towards putting in place the plan that you have laid out for him within 6 months or something, you're all done with him. You need to be firm with him, stay the course, and be absolutely willing to cut him off if he doesn't follow through.

Think about the scene in Fight Club behind the shop, with the shop assistant where Tyler takes his drivers licence and holds a gun to his head and threatens him unless he is back in school to become a Vet.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SMART_criteria

Try to get him to go to a therapist.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. It's a bit tough because now I'm living away from home, so I'm not in constant contact with our group of friends, but he and I keep in touch regularly. I'm thinking I might have to get real with him soon.

BackToManhood · Feb 6, 2016

Buzz Lightyear said: ↑

That's a good point mynameisx mentions. The people you spend a lot of time with are going to influence you a lot. Try to help him help himself, but if he doesn't want to change.....
Click to expand...

That's true.. It might come to that. I can deal with that, I guess. He's been a good friend for many years but I don't have to talk to him as much as I have been.

Lately I've been realizing I have a lot of people like this in my life. I need to start pulling out the weeds. The REAL problem is that my girlfriend is like this too. She says a lot of negative things about herself. REALLY not sure what to do about that one..

Geez, why do I attract negativity so much? I think it's because of my previous PMO habit. I was similar, probably.

I need to leave this shit behind me, not keep it around me.

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Advice - How to help my friend? And start him on NoFap?

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