Advice needed! - 190 days in and I still can't hold an erection during sex. I'm sad, please help.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by chynk, Jul 10, 2017.

  1. chynk

    chynk Fapstronaut

    • So I started nofap, a serious one on January 1st. Prior to that, I was working hard towards nofap. I went on 3 month streaks to randomly lose my goal and have to reset. I did that three or four times or so, been working towards it for the past two years.

    • I have a decent history of nofap. I feel like everyone's history is pretty unique. I don't know if I should go full on detail but I'll try and include what I can if you're willing to read.

    • To sum it up, I masturbated everyday from age 11 to 21, then I got my first girlfriend (2013). I didn't realize but I had difficulty maintaining an erection during sex. Blowjobs felt mundane, full on sex was a struggle. We usually went no condom, she was on the pill, yet it still felt "meh". I preferred watching porn, over having sex. I would actually try and watch porn while having sex. After about two years we broke up (for a different reason) and I realized I had a problem (2015).

    • I decided it was time I try and get to the bottom of things. I learned about nofap, porn addiction etc. I didn't realize how severe my case was; I needed the deathgrip to feel pleasure.

    • So I went on a nofap journey of about 3 months or so, I don't remember if I still watched porn or not (edging too, I don't recall). My streak ended and I started over again, etc. I got better, ditched the porn, no more edging, strict. But then eventually ended up relapsing again.

    • So fast forward to the present. I've been strong, since January 1st, 2017. No porn, NoFap, multiple wet dreams have occurred since, and I have strong erections in the morning. But here's my issue.

    • I'm sure many of us have this fear of not being able to perform and get it up during sex, and then having that moment of just ugh. I was having sex with one girl back in April, and luckily she was very understanding after I explained everything to her.

    • I've noticed though that I'm only able to hold an erection if I'm lying down (I masturbated like that most of my life). As soon as I stand up or try switching positions into say doggy style, I become flaccid again. I was able to have sex with her, with her on top but that was basically it. As soon as I tried another position, I would lose it.

    • It sucks that I'm bound to lying down. I can't exactly "practice" my standing/on knee erections since I'm not allowed to look at porn, nor masturbate. As well, I don't have sex often at all, so I can't exactly get "better" in that sense either? This is very frustrating!

    • I really don't know what to do. I tried having sex the other night with another girl, and I didn't exactly get a chance to full on penetrate her. I ended up cumming from a blowjob (I was laying down, 69), but I guess that's kind of a good thing since I didn't much care for blowjobs before? I wanted to grab a condom but she got to me too quickly >.>

    • I felt bad the rest of the night though. I don't know how common that feeling is, but I just felt shitty. Basically not being able to perform for her. It's upsetting, and I feel like less of a man. I wish I could've gotten it up and recovered. I just laid there naked, she sucked the life out of me. I couldn't move or think clearly, it was wild.

    • After sex during pillow talk, it was kind of awkward. I ended up talking about weird topics because I didn't know what to talk about; my brain wasn't thinking straight. I know I wanted to tell her about my erectile dysfunction so I began leading the conversation towards masturbation and porn and I told her I didn't do it.

    • She thought I was joking but when I told her I was serious, she kind of just? I don't know honestly? It wasn't exactly supportive to say the least. I think she was just very disappointed and maybe even a little frustrated. She came over after all the sexual buildup expecting to get fucked good, and I couldn't give her what she wanted. I hate this feeling and I hate myself for it, I'm fucking ashamed.

    • She ended up leaving not too long after. I felt like shit. That night, I couldn't sleep at all. I just felt angst all through my body as I tossed and turned. My mind replayed and relived what happened throughout the night. The next night I was only able to sleep for an hour. This is seriously hurting me, I had to make a post.

    • I've learned it's especially hard having sex with new partners because you never know what's going to happen. And then you tend to worry about it during sex and it becomes counter productive. I never know how my partner is going to take it, and dread the awkwardness. It's this viscous cycle that I can't break. I really don't know if I'm going to be hearing from her again after that debacle.

    • And another issue too, the times that I did have full on sex previously, I never wore a condom. I'm afraid I wont be able to feel anything with a condom on. I have a tough enough time as is trying to get an erection. I don't know what to do!

    • I don't want to feel like this anymore. I thought I was healing. I wish I just had a normal sex life! Gosh I wish I didn't have to worry about this. All of my friends have normal sex lives, not even thinking about this, going into any position they want, while I'm here bound to lying in the bed. Different positions seem like so much fun T_T

    • I can actually almost pinpoint the exact moment when my penis "broke". Ironically, I was doing nofap November before nofap even became a thing (years ago, 2011 maybe?). I decided to try it, but I didn't really know the rules. I more so did no cum. I still watched porn, and just kept edging and edging. I truly believe from that, I killed my penis.

    • As I edged up close to climax, I would stop, and I would become flaccid, just for me to start masturbating again. But I noticed I was masturbating with a flaccid penis and I would eventually cum. I think I basically trained my penis to cum while flaccid. Essentially, my penis thinks it doesn't need to have a full on erection to cum so it doesn't get fully erect anymore, only semi-erect. My penis just kind of became this way after that I think; watching porn for hours, edging and edging not realizing the damage I was doing to my body.

    • I need advice guys. I don't know what to do. Of course I'm not watching porn or masturbating, I think I'm somewhat over it. I just want to be more proactive. What else can I do to speed up this process? I'm relatively healthy, gym, eat okay. Will kegels help me maintain my erection? I remember not even having to try to hold an erection when I was younger, my penis would twitch from being engorged. Now I'm literally fighting to keep it up, hoping the blood doesn't leave my penis into other parts of my body.

    • I don't know what else there is to do. I think it might be time to see the doctor. I don't know if I was exactly avoiding it before but I thought I could've "fixed" this myself. How many people have actually "recovered" from doing nofap, to having full on normal erections and a regular sex life? Please help me.
    Sidenote - I've been doing some research on others who may have the same issue as me, unable to obtain erections while on their knees or standing. One person said that they practiced by masturbating while standing and cumming for a month.

    I'm prepared to end my year long goal of not masturbating if it'll help me obtain normal erections again. I expected to be "healed" by now since many claim they've been successful after 90 days. I don't believe there will be any benefit if I just keep trucking along doing nothing.

    What do you guys think?
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2017
  2. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Hmm, interesting post. Sorry to hear of your problems dude, that sounds like a right pain! :( I'm afraid I don't have any solid advice, sue to lack of experience. However here are some things I noticed in your post that may help.
    First off, don't worry, you haven't killed your penis. :) What is 'damaged' is your brain, not damaged in the sense that it's irreparable, but more that your brain has changed and needs to get back to the way things were before you started PMO. My experience of this is that a reboot can take anywhere from 3 to 9 months as a general rule. However, it could take longer. There is really no way to know for sure, other than by researchers doing MRI scans of previous addicts during/ after recovery. It is encouraging to hear that you have been 6 months clean from sexual stimulation. Based off of that however, I would have thought you'd be fine with maintaining an erection by now.
    Here's another thing, there's more to sex than penetration. You said in your post you orgasmed from a blowjob. That's good! However, you could have performed oral sex on this other girl. They seem to like that. ;)
    This is a possibility. There is definitely reduced sensitivity while wearing a condom. Sex without condoms is an option, however if you are going to go down that path, make sure you get tested regularly, and that you only have unprotected sex with other people who have been tested previously. I highly recommend you go to your local clinic based off of your last few experiences. STI's are mostly harmless with today's medications (except HIV), but they can become serious if left untreated.
    This is also a possibility. I have heard good things about kegel exercises, however it is difficult for most guys to refrain from masturbating while doing them. Perhaps that is something you could explore. You could also try going back to occasional masturbation, say once a week at the most. That may have some benefit for teaching your penis to 'cum while erect' as you refer to in your post.

    Other than that I'm not sure to be honest. There are people here who have recovered using nofap and have gone back to healthy sex lives, however they are mostly older dudes. It does take longer for younger guys to reboot. Maybe you're just one of the people who will take longer. Hang in there!
    chynk likes this.
  3. Karimtolstoi

    Karimtolstoi Fapstronaut

    Keep going on you have done a marvellous work by avoiding porn for such a period. I envy you for that ☺. My advice : Maybe you should lift some weights and regularly because all the problem is in the brain and lifting weights will help you change your mindset and feel better about yourself.
    Sun Praiser likes this.
  4. chynk

    chynk Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the kind words! I think I'm going to try starting kegels and begin masturbating again (using fantasy only). I feel like I need to train myself to do it while standing up.

    Some people talk about edging to help build and hold the erection. I think I'm going to avoid that since I believe that's what I feel ruined me in the first place.

    Is it weird that I find myself nervous to masturbate again. It's kind of funny because I feel the need to do it, not as a form of pleasure, more so to try and better myself.

    Ironic as this website advocates the exact opposite to do so.

    As for lifting weights, I'm relatively fit and do work out. I'm not as mentally destroyed as the first couple nights anymore fortunately. I've had time to relax and mull things over. My self confidence isn't too low, I'm finding happiness right now as I'm being proactive towards getting better.
  5. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Get yourself checked out by a doctor. A limp dick can mean other health problems.
    faplordxd likes this.
  6. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    190 days is long and you can orgasm via a BJ. It's not just death grip
  7. faplordxd

    faplordxd Fapstronaut

    If youre in your 20s bro you should have no problem keeping a rock solid boner

    Especially on nofap

    Get it checked out

    Also try meditatating so you're not in your head/thinking so much when you're having sex its how i got better at lasting longer is just not thinking as much and enjoy the moment
  8. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    These younger guys should be able to go 24/7
    faplordxd likes this.
  9. chynk

    chynk Fapstronaut

    I have an appointment set up for next week on Friday with my primary care doctor.

    It's a shame I have to go through my primary first so that he can send me out to a specialist, but if he can help narrow down my issue then all the better. Living in an overpopulated city sucks as it's difficult to get any appointments quickly.

    I'm 25, going to be 26 this month. I think if I do start masturbating again, I might have to train myself while standing as well as wearing a condom at the same time. This reminds me of the movie I Love You Man if any of you are familiar with it. One of the characters masturbates with a condom on because it's less messy of a cleanup afterwards, ha.
  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Make sure you tell your primary care doctor about the NoFap and your past he or she needs to know. Sometimes it's the mind that takes longer to catch up with the body. Do you have an erection when you wake up? Did you get one when you moed? If so it's highly unlikely this is a physical problem. Taking an ED drug may give you placebo confidence but it's unlikely to fix the problem long term sadly. You need to cut out all mo and porn. Do not convince yourself that returning to MO will make you better in bed it won't. It will only make things worse.
  11. chynk

    chynk Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I'll explain to him what I'm going through and how I abstained from PMO.

    I have morning wood and it stays pretty strong if I lie in bed.

    As soon as I step out of bed though it immediately goes away.

    I try and fight it and can only kegel twitch it for so long before it becomes flaccid.

    I have yet to MO just yet. I think I may wait and see what the doc says.

    I'm not sure what is going to happen honestly.
  12. pmojay

    pmojay Fapstronaut

    Hey how are things going so far?
    Searching4FreedomITA likes this.
  13. Fighting4success

    Fighting4success New Fapstronaut

    Yes I am also facing same problem as like you, loosing erections when in standing position

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