Advice needed - 26M, 4 months no porn - no benefits

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by jaigos, May 13, 2018.

  1. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    Hi guys,

    I discovered nofap at the start of 2018 after maybe 10 years of heavy porn use and have been virtually porn free since end of Jan (4 months or so). Previously I was PMOing everyday and could never get it up with a real girl (ED, nerves etc). I have not been able to stop MO and my longest streak there is 3 weeks or so. The issue is that i am certain I have been depressed since i started and it seems to be getting worse and i can't help but think its a flatline. I don't crave porn anymore, I don't find girls attractive, I don't even admire beautiful actresses on TV and i don't even enjoy kissing girls. My libido has tanked to absolute zero and I've stopped enjoying things i used to before such as video games, tv shows. The worst was when i recently had a girl over who I really like (gf material) and couldnt get it up and i wanted to die. I understand flatlines can last a while but i thought since i haven't watched porn in 4 months now i would feel a lot better but haven't really noticed any benefits. Am i doing it wrong by MOing and should i go for hard mode? I'm scared if I do that i will lose my chance with this girl. I only masturbate about once ever 2 weeks nowadays as I don't even feel the need for that anymore.

    I've done what i should have at the start - made an appointment with a doctor next week, I am thinking of going down the route of pills - would that help me rewire my brain to actual girls? Possibly also help with the nerves and then I can wean myself of it? All your help is appreciated bros
     
  2. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

    173
    137
    43
    It sounds like you have suppressed emotional issues. Id suggest talking with a counsellor/therapist.
    And I would say no pill is going to sort your life out, it sounds like your looking to switch your addiction from one to another if I'm honest.
    Depression etc can quite often be a signal that we aren't and haven't been dealing with underlying issues.
    If you want to get a handle on your life then be proactive and seek support.
    As for the woman your talking of, it depends on her objectives really, id suggest talking to her see how she reacts and then you will know if she's good to have in your life at this time.

    Take care bro.
     
    striverpz, MindfulAchilles and Roady like this.
  3. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    Thanks for the reply bro. How can you tell I have suppressed emotional issues? Not saying you're wrong but I have never thought of it that way.

    My depression is the weird thing, a lot of stuff has gone for me in the past few years and I remember being happy till end 2017. It directly correlates with me stopping watching porn and it's extremely frustrating not having any sex drive at all. I'm not going back to watching porn but what are other healthy ways to get it back up?
     
  4. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

    173
    137
    43
    My thoughts are that you have been using porn to avoid dealing with real stuff, that real stuff has been suppressed because you haven't been dealing with it and have used porn.

    Possibly but only you know there might be past stuff also that you haven't dealt with, as generally the pattern that we are in now has been with us for quite some time.

    Maybe I'm wrong but generally addiction is a result of not dealing with our stuff.
     
    waleedshiekh and MindfulAchilles like this.
  5. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

    1,966
    3,650
    143
    10 years is a long time. I'd try hard mode with exception of sex. I've had compulsive PMO addiction for 17 years and after nearing 6 months in hard mode, I still haven't recovered completely. Going without MO is not as hard as it seems. You'll have no urge to MO after a few months of abstinence, al least that's my case.

    Going the pills road will help you if your lack of performance has roots in anxiety or low blood flow, but won't rewire your brains to get stimulated by real women.
     
  6. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    Cheers for the advice. I just realised i was still exposed to certain types of porn the last 4 months which i thought were allowed so i assume i have not felt the full benefits. From today, I am going full hard mode with a 90day target. How do you feel after 6months? Sounds like you have no urges but are you able to get it up with a girl? Being unable to do that for 3months is what terrifies me, especially if I can't use pills
     
  7. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

    1,966
    3,650
    143
    It's better, but not completely OK down there yet. I still need a bit of a push from a woman, to get it hard. I'm not getting spontaneous boners just from looking at hot women in swimsuits, like I used to. But things are improving. Morning woods are rock hard and lasting very long.
     
  8. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

    982
    1,546
    123
    You clearly have PAWS.

    Here's my advice:
    1. Pills are a crutch. Don't take them unless absolutely necessary.
    2. Don't expect to be depression-free after 4 months. After having had a severe pmo addiction that lasted for a decade, 1-2 years is more realistic.
    3. Don't worry about PIED and women and all that. Your sexual health is most important and you should give yourself time to recover properly. The PIED will get better as time goes by.
    4. Hard mode is the best you can do. Avoid all fantasy.

    It's taken a long time to get you in this state, it takes quite a long time to get back to where you should be. The problem is that we've programmed our brains to function only with regular pmo. It's as if you've changed the software settings in your brain. Your brain craves the dopamine it got from regularly watching porn. Not getting it is what's making you feel depressed. Pills aren't going to fix that. Only time and a profound lifestyle change is what can truly get you back to feeling yourself.

    Look up PAWS, dopamine withdrawal. It's very similar to withdrawal from drugs like cocaine and heroin. Depression and anxiety are extremely common and most certainly related to addiction. Don't think your imagining things because you'll realize subtle changes soon enough. Porn is a toxin, detox can be hell.
    Hang on. Things will get better.
     
  9. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    1. Do you think its OK to only use pills as a last resort for real life sex or should i give up on that for now?
    2. Wow! 1-2 years :( That seems so long but I assume normal functions would mostly resume by the 6month mark?
    3. Unfortunately, I can't help but worry about women. If my ED stops me from having a gf who would improve my life so much, it is constantly going to be on my mind and depress me. Sacrifices..
    4. Hard mode it is. Thank you!

    Do you also think its worth me cutting down on alcohol and other recreational drugs like cocaine, weed etc? They would all give me an artificial dopamine rush so may be counterproductive to nofap.

    Thanks for this incredible structured reply. You seem quite knowledgeable on this topic and your post has given me some hope. Do you mind sharing your story - how far along/cured you are?
     
  10. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

    173
    137
    43
    It sounds like your struggling with addictions brother.
    I'm an addict and its easy for me to see fellow sufferers.
    So id urge you to seek help and support.

    Just to say... cocaine and alcohol aren't really great for ED either. And using 'Recreational' drugs will make staying away from porn alot more difficult.

    Addicts generally don't know how to help themselves.

    In all fairness and im being pretty blunt with you brother.. If you don't address your addictions you wont have a clue what's causing what symptom in reality, and it's typical addict thinking to go for a short cut and think another pill will sort things.

    Its your call brother, what does your heart/soul tell you?
     
    Emotionallydistant and Roady like this.
  11. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol. I have it maybe once/twice a week but fair enough, haven't tried to stop it for a period of time like a month. As for hard drugs, only very rarely so that's all good. Was just wondering whether I should go cold turkey on all those too?

    I think the big issue was porn and I was just feeling hopeless as I thought I would've felt some benefits by now but I guess it is a long journey.
     
  12. Hi @jaigos
    Glad to see you here. Lot of other people who are going / went to the same struggles.

    I fully agree with the advice @outwithold is mentioning.
    I always say: Porn is not the problem. It's a symptom.
    Pill are just another easy way to cope with your problem. But they will not solve your problem. I promise you that.
    If you want your life back, forget about all quick fixes. They don't work, although, for a very short time.

    What you need is life time changes. Yes that will cost you lot of time, but also lot of effort.
    If you starting to taste the new benefits of it, that will be the drive to move on.
    It's a life time changing process.
    I took the time to write down a lot of stuff in my journal. Have a look if you want to know how I grew out of my addiction.

    Be welcome here! Together, a lot is possible!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    Thanks for all the advice. So I went to see a doctor and he has got me to do some bloodwork which will take a few days to come back. In the meantime he prescribed me viag to try as he said he wants to rule out what could be wrong. Makes sense to try it once and see how it goes? I also mentioned to him about porn addiction and depression, he nodded but not sure he took on board. Damn doctors!
     
  14. outwithold

    outwithold Fapstronaut

    173
    137
    43
    Brother, nobody will sort your problems out for you, people can help of course but thats if your willing to accept and realise your own part of an issue.

    In reality the Dr probably hasn't the time to chat endlessly about your problems, and most probably he/she feels you are just looking for tablets...
    id personally suggest you should contact your Dr again and simply ask for a referral to a talk therapist,but thats only if you want to truly explore your struggles and your open to admitting you have got yourself in a mess.

    I can hear such similarities to myself in what you say at times, ive pretty much said the same but in reality its not the Dr's fault brother, they have multiple patients to see everyday and its so very easy for us to blame them or other people that dont seem interested in us, but it seems to me like you perhaps want a reason to use so to not deal with your issues so the Dr not showing much interest has given you that.

    I just thought Id also say that ultimately we could spend 1000's on the best therapists and doctors to solve our behavioural issues etc but if we wont help ourselves then it would be wasted and become very expensive... and again we must be careful we arent looking for a reason to just say, oh that didnt work so I will just carry on!

    Its not really for me to say any of this and I wont keep going around in circles with it, but I do believe your heading in the wrong direction basically and are looking for a way not to have to take responsibility of your issues.
    But maybe I will be wrong and you will in fact have a medical problem! and all will be well with your ED.
    But from what you have posted and how it comes across to me I would say even if thats the case you are showing a lot of similar traits to myself and I am an addict.
     
  15. MindfulAchilles

    MindfulAchilles Fapstronaut

    138
    234
    43
    “... a girlfriend who will improve my life so much...”

    She won’t.

    You definitely have work to do on your underlying issues. Don’t drag anyone else into this. Good luck, bro!
     
    Roady likes this.
  16. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    1,994
    1,467
    143
    No drugs no booze and go hard mode. You need to purge all the bad stuff out of your body.
     
  17. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    I think you all misunderstand me..

    I am open to making changes. This is what i've done so far:
    1. Stopped watching porn (4mo now)
    2. Exercise almost everyday (1mo now)
    3. Eat balanced diet (1mo now)
    4. Get enough sleep daily (1mo now)

    What I was frustrated about was even though I'd made these changes I was still feeling low and no sex drive. It definitely sounds like a flatline. In addition, I am now going to stop MO (which I wasn't doing that regularly anyways). I have done drugs only occasionally in the past but nothing in the last 3 months - I will stop that too. Unfortunately alcohol is unavoidable (work) but I will try limit it to a couple of beers a week. To be clear I don't think i have an addiction to alcohol as I don't crave it.

    It doesn't hurt to have my bloodwork done, will at least rule out some causes. As for the viag, I am on the fence - doctor asked me to give it a try and when I voiced concerns over becoming dependent on it he said he just wanted me to try it out, see how it works, so we could decide appropriate course of treatment. Has asked me to go back in a month. I will speak to the girl and tell her what's up. I'm sure she'll be supportive but if not that's life...

    I'll keep you guys updated. Thanks again for all your comments and support, keep them coming - really appreciated
     
  18. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

    982
    1,546
    123
    Hi jaigos,

    Don't worry. You've made some pretty awesome changes in your life and deserve all the credit for that. Well done! The point is, in order to fully recover, you'll have to give it time. Personally, I'd abstain from masturbation, since it can easily trigger cravings for pornography.

    I don't think you should be taking pills to have real life sex. Pornography gave you this problem, and only abstinence from it will solve your erectile dysfunction. Until then, your body will keep telling you that it's still wired to get it up from porn/masturbation alone. This simply needs time. 1-2 years sounds like a long time, I know, but after a decade of porn abuse, it should really be a time of self-improvement, a break from all sexual (over)stimulation. Only then will you discover how porn and sex have been consuming you. Breaking free from addiction means letting all of it go. There's a risky fine line between real life sex and using porn. The thoughts about and cravings for real sex you still have could be a substitute for pmo. Not sure. Real life sex isn't necessarily wrong, but there's definitely no harm in abstaining from that as well, for as long as you need to. The PIED will clear up once the addiction is gone. This is simply your brain craving the intense rush of neuro-chemicals it used to get from porn.

    I think about women too, you know. We all do. You see a beautiful girl on tv and you can't help but thinking about romance or sex. That's just the way it is. This is healthy and natural (pmo isn't). I can't really comment on whether real-life sex is all that bad when you're recovering from porn addiction, but since you have PIED I'd be very careful about how you proceed. Self-improvement should really be your aim. Since you also have symptoms of depression, probably caused by withdrawal, it's not a good idea to chase sex anyway. Real life sex can cause intense cravings for pornography and masturbation afterwards, should no partner be available. I'm not sure how the brain of a recovering pmo-addict handles real life sex. I believe it could reinforce addictive pathways through excessive stimulation. But again, that's just my take on it. You can admire girls all you want, but the real key to overcoming addiction lies in self-respect and self-control. Personally, I've been in withdrawal for a long time. I feel your pain. I understand how giving up on porn can cause some serious distress. In my case, this letting go resulted in massive, debilitating anxiety. You just stop functioning. But the real awakening happens when you realize this seed of yours is too precious to waste. It literally carries life. I believe that retaining it can and will help control and eventually heal your depression. Release always leads to frustration and cravings for some reason. Depression/anxiety usually follows. I once heard someone say that we can all be walking sex-addictions if we choose to. Probably the wisest thing I've ever heard. It's easier to give in than it is to abstain. Choose to abstain your seed and the universe will smile on you. You see, karma is really real. You won't feel like it right away, but you'll see some subtle, positive changes happening in your life no matter what, when you choose not to give in to these sexual urges. It takes time, but you'll be a better man in the end.

    Cheers
     
  19. jaigos

    jaigos Fapstronaut

    38
    7
    8
    Inspirational stuff man. I'm gonna stick it out as long as it takes - tbh I doubt I'll ever watch porn again in my life, not sure about other stuff! How long have you been in withdrawal for and are you seeing any benefits/recovery yet?
     
    bken likes this.
  20. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

    982
    1,546
    123
    Hi jaigos,

    I've been in withdrawal for a couple of years now. I'm one of the guys who thought relapsing at certain times wouldn't hurt the recovery process. I was wrong. I'm now in real recovery for a little over 6 months. Before that I used to relapse every couple of months or so, thinking it wouldn't hurt, but which obviously did hurt.
    Ever since realizing hard mode is the only way out I've experienced very subtle changes in my perception, anxiety, confidence and overall well-being. I'm not going to lie to you, giving up on porn is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I hit rock bottom. I've suffered panic attack after panic attack. I'm not out of the woods yet, far from it, but I sincerely believe all of these symptoms have everything to do with letting go of pornography. Porn used to be my crutch in life. Like you, I was hooked for over a decade. The thing about porn addiction is that you don't really realize that it's an addiction until you need to function without it. That's when you meet porn's true side. The evil, hellish side of it (those particular websites don't have evil this and evil that in their titles for nothing, btw).
    You see, it's all good before you want to leave all of it behind and hit withdrawal. Personally, the best way I could describe this hell is that it's as if the devil himself will either stop you or punish you good for trying to give up on porn. Spiritually speaking, there's probably a core of truth to that. This may sound incredible, exaggerated or whatever, but it's true. Withdrawal from porn can and will happen if your addiction was particularly bad. Having to live without porn after a decade of full blown addiction, isn't any different from hard drug withdrawal. The effects drugs and porn have on the brain, are very similar. But no one teaches you that when you first encounter porn online. There's no warnings, nothing. At that point you're just a 13-year-old ready to have some fun. A lamb to the slaughter. To make matters worse, friends etc. will often encourage this vice. Even doctors or teachers will often say that "masturbation is good for you." Utter rubbish.
    Personally, it wasn't until recently that I started realizing that I really had a problem with porn. About a decade after first seeing that toxic filth. For me it was all or nothing. Symptoms like anxiety or depression can be so severe that there isn't any other option than to abstain from it all together. Withdrawal from porn is very real. Before finding out that other guys are going through the same thing, thanks to communities like these, I never would have guessed that withdrawal from porn could happen. But sure enough, we are not the only people suffering. Definitely don't buy into it if anyone tells you your depression and porn addiction have nothing to do with each other, because one is the feeding ground for the other. You'll break out of the vicious circle eventually, I'm sure. This is not about me, but about you. All I can say is that abstaining from porn will initially be really hard, perhaps even hellish if your addiction was serious, but that change and benefits are real and possible and that I sincerely believe there's another side to this, the light at the end of the tunnel, a better life, the one we are supposed to be living. I'm in the same boat bro. Once happiness has been taken away from you, you know there's no other way out. And it's a long road. Probably the hardest thing you'll go through, but totally worth it.

    Happiness and your own health and well-being are the most important things in life. No amount of porn or sex is worth that. Because your personality defines who you are. And yes, others pick up on this. I sincerely believe people can sense when someone has an addiction. We all have an aura and energetically, you either attract people or you push them away.

    I'd understand should you think having to abstain for months isn't worth it. Believe me, I've been there. But when you really think about it, you'll come to realize this is all or nothing. Especially if you're already in withdrawal and your symptoms are severe. There's just no way back then. There's not much else I can do than to warn people I guess, because I know there's a lot of people suffering, often unaware of the cause. Of course there's always a chance that depression has other causes, but depression caused by porn withdrawal is particularly bad. In that case it really is persistent, and a really hard lesson. In the end, you'll only be stronger.

    Good luck, stay strong.
     

Share This Page