Advice needed (relatively minor issue)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Just me, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

    Things have been going well as far as his recovery goes. I have not been recovering very well, but I can tell it's happening even if it is at an extremely slow rate. Anyway, yesterday I expressed that I needed to feel like he wanted to be affectionate with me more than just when he wanted to have sex. I knew as soon as I said it that he took it that I wanted him to decrease sexual attention, so I repeated twice that I did not want that to decrease, I wanted his other affection to increase. He did become more affectionate in a sweet way.

    This morning I woke up to him telling me that he M in bed next to me during the night. I asked him why he didn't wake me up, he said he felt bad about waking me up. Him being frisky with himself and me waking up in the middle of the night (often starting in his sleep) is nothing new. I told him I knew he would take what I said yesterday wrong and I shouldn't have said it. He said he shouldn't have told me because now we both felt like crap. This was all said super calmly, btw. I feel like he should let me know how he is feeling, even if I am asleep. Shoot, I wake him up for some sometimes. I don't really have a problem with M other than it's a sexual experience without me and the more frequent the more you would get used to it and seek it rather than intimacy. I feel like he should try with me and if not he DEFINITELY SHOULD TELL me after the fact, otherwise I feel like we could be heading down a bad path again. I just don't know how to make him see even if it sucks for a minute, I wasn't mad and it was over super quick. Way better than being sneaky.

    I am starting to feel like I'm not allowed to feel how I feel.
  2. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

    Maybe he should take a break from M all together? That might help?
  3. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

    He does in general. The problem is when he wakes up already doing it. The nights when he stops himself he is up for hours and unable to sleep. I tell him he can just wake me up, and the times it has woken me up I almost always oblige if I am aware enough to know what's going on! He says that makes him feel like a horrible person. I dunno. I don't want him to hide things from me. I'd rather be involved. But the hiding things is what scares me the most.
  4. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    You are allowed to feel any way you want. No one has dominion over your feelings.

    Just tell him “Dude if I’m sleeping and you’re horny wake me up. I’d rather give you the real thing than you wasting it in your hand.”

    And he needs to stop Ming. Bad for recovery.
    Torn likes this.
  5. Ask him which makes him more horrible... Waking you up because he loves you and wants to expend his sexual energy with you. Or him wasting it on himself.

    Maybe suggest "Every time you want to have sex, you wake me. If I'm not in the mood, I'll let you know. But make me your first option."

    The hiding certainly is not acceptable. My concern is that he is not with you in his head while he is M. He is fantasizing about something not real. If he is still fighting his addiction, his behavior sounds logical. But not what you want.
    21yearsin and Jennica like this.
  6. AliceIce

    AliceIce Fapstronaut

    My PA had this same issue early in "recovery"....he wasn't really in recovery then, there was still P and Psubs. He was minimizing and still manipulating the truth. I pushed and pushed and he finally admitted it. Right after I kicked him out he would wake up hard with terrible urges, he didn't give into them and they went away after a couple weeks ( so he says).
  7. StillLori

    StillLori Fapstronaut

    I dunno how healthy waking up in the middle of the night masturbating is... I agree with some others above; the masturbating has to stop.
    hope4healing and 21yearsin like this.

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