Advice Needed

Try hard mode for 30-60 days?

 

Hello I'm suffering through the same thing, i have PIED and a little PE. So i know what he's going through and it's completely normal. I have tried having sex with my SO too and in my head we are horny but we can't maintain an erection, it's a devastating feeling, like your dick is broken. I have watched porn for way long so i think you should try hardmode for 90days. No sex at all. Reason why you might not see changes are due to the fact that his brain can't rewire fast enough if you have sex with him as the dopamine levels won't come down after he orgasms. Soft mode isn't for us PIED people is what i think. I tried hard mode for a month, still couldn't have sex with my SO. Although please don't be upset as this is something that none of you are responsible for and with time will cure. I hope your partner recovers soon and you can have a great sexual life!

 

I have this problem too. After 5 years of masturbation, here are the negative effects. I regret with all my heart those years when I masturbated. That energy I could use more productive, and now being a virgin, I gave birth to a girl who wants to have sex with me. She does not know that I am a virgin, I am ashamed to tell her, because we are not together and I cancel it again and again, when I feel I feel ready to do it. But when ? When will my penis return to normal? Now I'm in the 10th day. How long do i wait? I hate porn movies and everything in this industry. It destroys so many lives ...

 

Try thinking about it in terms of neural pathways, brain plasticity and so forth...

The problems you're describing are the expressions of the damages made on the brain by all those hits of unhealthy dopamine released with PMO.
His brain has been modified (warped up) so much that now even a healthy dopamine hit (your sensual touch) is not impacting the brain as it should.

The solution might be, as experienced by many here, no dopamine hit at all -60 or 90 days in hardmode' -so as to fully leverage brain plasticity and reset his brain for good... So that you can both soon enjoy some good ol healthy sex.

Try not to take it personally, take it 'scientifically'.
Stay strong!!!

 

i can completely get you, my SO thought that she couldn't turn me on so i didn't have an erection, but i knew that wasn't the case as i had erections before even when she touched me so i knew something was wrong with me and obviously not her. Every woman is beautiful and sexually attractive in their own way, please don't feel like your not enough, you are but it's porn that has ruined everything for us. So let me explain in a scientific way and you can research too. Porn is a super stimulus or a super turn on, I'm not sure what kind of porn your partner is into but I'm probably guessing something hardcore since he has PIED. So porn sends a super stimuli to our brain that your having sex with all these gorgeous fake girls you see. Real life sex and porn sex are different as it involves a lot kissing, caressing and other things so our brain doesn't receive the super stimuli it did from watching porn, so that's the reason why we won't get erect. Basically it's all about dopamine, this is the hormone that activates our reward center, and due to excessive porn and masturbation our reward center is overflowing with this dopamine, so no matter WHO THE GIRL IS, we won't be able to have penetrative sex. It's not you, it's his brain that's fucked up. So keep a record that he doesn't PMO at all and normally it takes 90days without PMO to heal, but varies from person to person, the longer he abused, the longer the recovery. Best of luck!

 

4 things stand out to me in your post:

1) He is 43;
2) He was into femdom;
3) He is starting to get better;
4) He will not forgive himself.

My thoughts:

1) He may be getting up in age. Maybe he has a medical problem whereby medication, a change in diet or routine may be a better answer than trying hard-mode. Perhaps he should bring up the issue of his erection problems with a medical doctor.

2) Femdom is a thought process of being dominated. Sex with a partner is equality - give and take (something he is not used to). His counselling should help change his mindset. That is a good start.

3) Sex is not the be all and end all. You can be intimate by going out on a romantic walk, dinner or movie. Stroke his arm, let him pinch your butt. Hold hands. Kiss each other. Go to a spa together. When he is hard and ready to go, he will let you know and you will be ready for him. Try couples' therapy for more professional advice.

4) He needs to forgive himself. (a) He is working so hard (b) He is taking responsibility for his past conduct. (c) He is not blaming you for his poor choices. Tell him that you are proud of him and if you have not done so already, tell him that you forgive him. You cannot change the past, but you together, can both change the future.

 

If it's femdom porn there's a thread in my profile for getting rid of the addiction.

 

A couple of ideas to experiment with.
Would your relationship be over if he could never get an erection again? If not, what would you do to strengthen and maintain your relationship?
What are your beliefs around the importance of intercourse?
The research shows that it is not orgasm or intercourse which makes a good intimate relationship, it is bonding activities.
My wife and I are really lucky. We can do hot sex no problem, however we have both felt something missing. There was a barrier between us which meant we could not get really close.
On close inspection (over a period of 4 years) we concluded it was hunting for the big O that threw the spanner in the works. I thought I needed to get her to O or she would leave me, she thought (and was probably right) that every intimate and affectionate action I took was to try and get more sex.
So the change we have made is to put sex to one side for now and focus on all the other aspects of our relationship.
For me this has been very illuminating. I have uncovered all sorts of unhelpful subconscious thinking patterns which were influencing my behaviour. I was unaware(or in denial) about how sexualised my thinking was throughout the day.
We talk every night, reading my 'intimacy journal' to her and discussing the revelations and issues that arise.
We are 78 days in and our relationship feels so much stronger than it did. We are starting to explore how we might feel being more sexually intimate and are both excited. It feels like we are teenagers again!

 

The 10 stages of rebooting.

Stage 1: This is when we realize that masturbation is affecting our healthy negatively and we have a thought about quitting. However, after reading about the harmlessness theories of masturbation we are not so determined anymore, we think that masturbation in moderation should do us no harm. This is the very initial stage of rebooting which is characterized by ignorance and naivety. The result: failure!

Stage 2: We gain a small understanding of the harmful effects of masturbation, but not a thorough understanding. The result: failure!



Stage 3: We begin to study other peoples’ experience of rebooting and we try to break our rebooting record. Although we have managed to set a new record on the number of rebooting days we are still unable to break out of the vicious cycle. The result: failure!


Stage 4: This is the confusion stage, after numerous failures, we start to doubt ourselves. At this stage, we are not putting in enough of a fight, no fight no victory! The result: failure.


Stage 5: Our body gives out signals once again and it’s clear that our health has deteriorated. Once again we make up our minds to quit and rely helplessly on the brute force method without learning about the correct methods. The result: failure.


Stage 6: We begin to see the harmlessness theory for what it is, that it only works to trick the “children”. This is when we experience a breakthrough in our way of thinking but we still fail to understand why we are unable to quit masturbation. The result: failure.


Stage 7: This is the stage of understanding, gained from reading vast amounts of rebooting articles, we begin to acknowledge spiritual teachings (such as Buddhism) which helps to increase our determination tremendously, we break the 100-day streak. The result: still failure.


Stage 8: The thorough cleansing stage, we are starting to cleanse ourselves both consciously and unconsciously. Once this idea has entered our subconscious we easily break the 200-day barrier. There may come one day when we are browsing the internet and have our guard down or we have been slack in our rebooting studies, we therefore stumble near the finishing line. The result: still failure.


Stage 9: We are almost there now and have become even more careful, our understanding takes on another level. We are no longer affected by dirty thoughts, what we see do not enter our intentions, what other people sees and like we react with caution. We are steady in our heart even amidst rough winds of thoughts. We have discarded the habit of masturbation altogether.

Stage 10: “Nothing to begin with, how can nothing stir the dust”. We have come to the highest stage where all things returns to simplicity, just as the “sweeping monk” from Jin Yong’s martial art novels. Great skill is hidden in plain site, this is only achieved by the Master. Tips: Everyone should be able to find their current stage in rebooting, just like in video games we have our levels, once we have reached that level success will come. If our level of understanding is not there we will have a hard time to quit masturbation, for a master there is no difficulty, while mastery is difficult to achieve for a layman. Hopefully, everyone will continue to study rebooting articles, the day when we find our “aha” moment is the day when we can walk away from masturbation for good. For the few bright people with keen minds, they are able to skip over stages just as a bright student is able to skip grades and the poor student will need to remain in the same grade.

 

To me it's the same! My wife thinks overwise, even though we have sex pretty much every night and have been together 10 years, it's always me who initiates it and has the higher sex drive.

Sometimes she would rather cuddle and watch a film, which I enjoy doing too, but I am a man with needs and urges, and although she goes along and keeps me happy I just wish she'd show some initiative and be spontaneous sometimes.

We used to watch porn together, which was a real turn on for me, and she did used to make more of an effort for sex, but these days it seems like I'm the one making all the effort! (She was diagnosed with MS this year though, early stages which might have something to do with it!)

 

Thank you, I think this is why we still have lots of sex, because we always cuddle & watch films, I give her back & foot massages and (not always) expecting sex she knows I go a long way for her to make her happy and loved.

Our porn watching together was something that only happened in last few years, it got a bit much when we both had fantasies of Bi threesomes with people we had been talking to on certain sites, and uploading pics & videos. We've put a stop to that now, as it kills intimacy. NoFap is the right path for us.

Tell your husband to ditch the Xbox and porn! I wasted my teenage years playing video games, masterbating & being shy. All those wasted years of being a loner! Didn't loose my virginity until I was 20...sad I know! Which is why I love and appreciate my wife now. (She came onto me in the beginning, I was really shy!)

Xx

 

Similar situation to your husband, I suddenly started developing minor ED problems last November; before I even discovered NoFap I was trying to quit porn of my own accord. My erections started becoming less firm and I panicked. Doctor did tests, told me it was in my head and that everything 'is working like clockwork'. I did my research and found out it was PMO that was messing my head up!

Of ocurse we still have lots of great sex, but I want my rock hard erections back, they're about 70-80% of what they're meant to be - had NO issues down there before last November! It happened so suddenly, but it was a wake up call! I should have quit porn when I met my wife, but it's like a bad habit that stuck around unfortunately

Just glad I discovered NoFap now!!