advice on a girl I love

Your question is pretty much "How do I ask her out without asking her out?" or "How do I make progress without taking a risk?".

You just ask her out on a date.

The reason you don't want to do that and you're looking for another way is because you're afraid of finding out the outcome. You have a specific outcome in mind and you're paralyzed because you don't want to mess up this one opportunity that you believe will never come into your life again.

So you avoid doing that by procrastinating. Trying to find some special technique or trying to find the perfect words to say. You placed her above you, you placed yourself below her, and you need something other than your honest self expression to close the gap you believe is there. You're basically looking for a guarantee before you take action. So you're holding on to access with her until you can find that guarantee. This situation is pretty much how you place yourself into what's called the friendzone. Where you hide your intentions while trying to manipulate your way to your goal.

Ask her on a date and face the outcome. Don't try to perform / compensate / convince your way into getting her to want to be with you.

Spoiler alert = She's not the only person that's capable of being special.

 

HOLY POOP
THAT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFULLY PHRASED AND TRUE ADVICE EVER!!!
I have been doing exactly what you said unfortunately, been hiding my time waiting for the perfect opportunity. On the other hand, I am not ready for a relationship until I kick PMO habit. I'm at day 20, so i'm waiting so that i will be ready to have a relationship. I'm gonna wait another 25-30 more days and then ask her out. What do you think about that elevate?!

 

What happens after 25-30 more days? Why will you be more ready after that? That's just procrastinating waiting for perfect circumstances.

The whole point of nofap is so that you can make room in your life for better things. So rather than PMO, you'll make room for things like relationships. You should be asking her out right now.

You complimented my post, but you turned around and said you're going to do the opposite of that.

After 25-30 more days you'll just find another reason to keep putting off the scary thing that you know should be doing to have the life that you want.

You know what you have to do and yet you're not doing it. You're conditioning yourself to become a person that avoids the scary, uncertain, and difficult pain / problems / negative experiences of reality. That's how you got into PMO in the first place.

 

If you really love her, if it doesn't have anything to do with your addiction (read: I only want to have sex with her. = NO), then don't wait. Ask her out.
You won't become perfect for her in 25 days, but if you want to become better because of her, that's a true feeling. Don't waste time, and ask her out.

 

@elevate has some really good advice. Maybe I can also add something to the discussion here:

@immadothis , often times, people can tell when you hide your true desires from them. If you really feel strongly about this woman, but you aren't taking any action on those feelings, you have to consider that she might be aware of that. She might see that you feel strongly for her, but that you aren't doing anything about it, and if that's the case, who could blame her for thinking that you're never going to do anything about it? If you really love her, that's a special feeling. That's not the sort of feeling you share with anyone, but with someone who matters to you in a very special way. If you aren't expressing that feeling to her, what are you really showing her about yourself?

I think the only reason you haven't told her about how you feel is because you're afraid that she doesn't feel the same way. I'm sure you've wondered whether or not she feels the same way about you, but the fact is that you're never going to find out unless you talk to her about it. This is probably the hardest part to understand, but it's the best advice I can give: whether she loves you the way you love her or not, it's a good thing, and you're never going to find out unless you guys talk about it. Let me explain more about that. If you express your feelings for her, and she responds with approval and the same sort of emotions, this is obviously a positive thing for you. Having love reciprocated is an amazing feeling, and it's probably the ideal outcome you're envisioning in your head. The hard part to realize is that if you express your feelings for her, and she responds with rejection and tells you she doesn't see you that way, then that's also a positive thing for you. As I was saying before, love is a very special feeling, and it's not the sort of thing you share with anyone. If she rejects your love, that means she's giving you the opportunity to find someone else to share it with. It means she wants you to find that amazing feeling of reciprocated love, but that it's not something she can provide for you. You will find something to do with that love, and trying to force it on someone who can't reciprocate it is just going to cause you pain.

I really think the best option is just to talk to her about how you're feeling. This might mean telling her you feel strongly about her, or it might be as simple as asking her if she wants to go on a date with you. Either way, just make your intentions clear. If you don't, how are you going to know how she will respond to the way you really feel?

Best of luck. It'll be alright, man

 

Thank you guys. Here's the thing. For one, at only 21 days in now, I am still not as social as I would like, and I still consider myself to be a PMO addict which is very unhealthy. If I walked into a relationship, I just am not ready yet. I ALSO need more time because for me, masturbation gives me acne. I've abstained for 3 weeks now and now my skin is better and will continue to clear up(I know what i'm talking about) as it does when I don't PMO. So I want to wait until my skin is clearer.

Also let's say I DID ask her out. I remember one time we crossed paths and she asked me if i'm going to the gym because i was in workout clothes. Should I ask her to go to the gym with me first or ask her to go some dining hall on campus to eat(i'm at uni)? I haven't texted her yet but if I did I would say "hey are you free tomorrow?" Is that fine or should i be like "Wanna go on a date tomorrow?" Lmao that sounds too formal xD

 

Now I realize the gravity of PMO. It's made me weak. You see in 25 more days or so, I will feel and look better. That's a fact. Right now, I can't ask her out because I'm not confident I can be who I want to be. What if I relapse tomorrow for instance.. then everything would be ruined. I need to be more confident and I gain confidence each day of nofap.. I hope you understand

 

I don't believe that for a moment. You had the strength to make it over 20 days into your recovery (if your counter is accurate), so you're obviously not weak. PMO has likely taken a lot of your time, and has likely stolen a lot of your happiness and sexual satisfaction. However, PMO has not taken away your autonomy and your ability to take direct action in your life. You are a force of the universe, as silly as that might sound. If you believe you can take action and make a difference, then you're right. However, if you believe you're weak and powerless, you're also right. These restrictions on your behavior aren't coming from PMO, they're coming from yourself.

Again, I think that's a restriction you're placing on yourself. You can ask her out. The only thing stopping you is you.

No, it wouldn't be ruined. It might be a step backwards, but it wouldn't completely undo the progress you've made. If you've learned anything on your recovery journey thus far, that knowledge isn't going to magically disappear because of a relapse. Besides, this just sounds like another excuse to me. As far as I'm concerned, relapse is always going to be a risk in your life. I don't believe there will ever be a day where you wake up and realize that your addiction is 100% gone and there is absolutely no risk of relapse. The battle against your addiction is a lifelong one, and it is shaped by your moment-to-moment choices, and not by some arbitrary number of days. The 90 day reboot isn't a magic pill that will magically make your urges disappear. The 90 day reboot is a tutorial, a training session, and once you reach 90 days, that's when the true battle begins. What if you make it another 25 days or so and you still feel like there's a risk of relapse? Are you going to say "I need another 25 days"? How are you going to know when you're ready or not unless you actually try?

Ironically, I think asking someone out if you're interested in them is a great way to boost your confidence and your self esteem. If anything, you will have proven to yourself that you can do it, and that you aren't going to let your self-criticism and self-doubt govern your actions. I definitely understand your position, though. I hope I'm not coming off as harsh when I say this, but I think you're really limiting yourself with your ideas. I know how that feels. We've all been there at one point or another. Trust me, asking this girl out is a perfect way to prove to yourself that you're not weak, that you're not powerless, and that you can take direct action and make a difference in your life. I really think you have nothing to lose by making a move.

 

Bro You are amazing. Respect. You just blew my mind. Thank you

 

Go for it! I think you will really surprise yourself. In moments like those, I usually end up surprising myself by saying words I didn't even know were inside me. Don't hide your feelings from her. You have nothing to lose.