Advice on how to talk to SO

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by For me my wife and kids, Aug 24, 2019.

  1. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

    I'm with sadgirl on that part. Cruel doesn't mean it's not true. It's protecting addiction. I woud and I definitely take the same strategy for someone with food addiction. I'm actually loosing weight and if I would get too soft and say, meh, I gained weight cause of that and try to overanalyze how food addiction works I would go nowhere. Keep calm, accept the truth, even if it's harsh and do whatever you can to focus on a better way. And every addiction is cover for over problems.
    I would judge both and exactly it is what I do. I gained weight during pregnancy, my so had porn addiction before. Now our sex life is almost dead, he makes reboot and I'm loosing weight. And accually I found it liberating to think that way, that there is part of me to blame for it, cause I can do something about it. But of course a lot of his blame and he also works on it. I don't really get why fat people stay fat and noone can say that it's not ok, especially husband or wife. It's not helping anyone. The same with porn.
  2. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    Not really much of a debate for me to fail at.

    1. Dont really care about your opinion. So it's not really what I would call a debate, no adjusted positions and compromised solutions. Just me sayi n g you are wrong and you saying I am wrong....oh yeah and then getting attacked because I believe in God.
    2. I know what I am responsible for in my situation and what it takes to make it succeed.

    Good day or evening to you
  3. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    There is want and WANT, and its a subtle difference and you literally cannot see it until you've passed through the unconscious want to fail and can look at it from the other side. I could take any member here and throw them in a prison cel and they'd be porn free for a good while....not least of which because they'd wonder why the hell they found themselves in a prison cell. Getting out of that situation and living through that situation would no doubt be of a higher priority that getting off.

    Nobody WANTS an addiction, but Sadgirl has a point that protecting an addiction is a way of feeding it, and if you feed it, part of the addict still wants it. All is PAs get the OP in that talking and fessing up about relapse is hard, and we also get that Sadgirl getting on the OP harshly might not be helpful for the place in this fight they are at now, but in reality you and her are both right in different ways.
  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I am not being harsh I am being HONEST. It amazes me how many PA's take offense to the truth but then apologize to me later. I hope that the OP can get real with himself about why he is relapsing and why he chooses to.
  5. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    For where the OP (and other's) are, you are indeed being harsh. I don't deny the honesty but there is a compulsion involved that you are minimizing, a compulsion that can seem huge and overwhelming.

    (Edit: I want to be clear, it's OK that you are harsh. Multiple points of view are good input for the OP)

    The first step for the OP is to be honest, that is the advice he needs right now. And, in my opinion, it's a critical step even if he never relapsed again.
  6. Hey. If anyone wants my 2 cents. Sad girl was super harsh but not untrue. Of course i still want porn, that is to my understanding what an addiction is. On the other hand truth and support aren't always the same thing.
    For example if I were a recovering alcoholic and had done a year without drinking and then had a relapse of a couple of months but then got back on the wagon and was saying 'why would i do this to myself?' I wouldn't be looking for someone to be like 'because you obviously didn't try hard enough.' I'd be more looking for something constructive like 'perhaps you hit a rough patch in your life and should work on that but what you need to do now is focus on not drinking today.'
    Also for the record the strategy that i am going with for my wife is more honest communication with my wife daily. For example where last time i was like 'yeah had a hard day today. Bit tempted to do it.' This time around i am more explicit 'today i had the urge to look at porn but did this to counter it.' As well as more honest about other parts of my recovery that might make her uncomfortable such as 'I am finding that i am thinking about cheating on you a hell of a lot more often than i ever did before but they are not actionable thoughts or even daydreams, more intrusions into my minds and i am working on it.'
    My theory being that if I am ever tempted i will be more likely to tell her or someone and lean on them for support and if that fails i will be more used to talking to her about stuff that i know she is uncomfortable with.
    mrtumnus and Faceplanter like this.

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