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Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Coco99, Feb 18, 2020.
Spending time on women is usually unfruitful.
Congrats on your success.
Something greater than successful outcomes with this specific person would be to develop self worth regardless of the outcome. The ability to express yourself honestly (no matter how awkward that expression currently is) without holding back due to fear of a risk that didn't work out. If you continue to walk on eggshells in order to carefully convince someone to be interested in you, then you will continue to grow that paranoia and self censorship for the entirety of the relationship. That would become the shaky foundation built on illusions that the relationship is built on.
Why are you so attached to the outcome? Because success would lead you to feel pride and failure would lead you to feel shame. It's a very ego centric mindset to believe that you have a lot of control over someone who has circumstances / upbringing / experiences / interests vastly different from your own. Going after your desires, failing, and then feeling ashamed because of it is irrational. Pain and things not working out in your favor can serve as lessons and lead to growth. Succeeding and then feeling pride isn't the best way either because now you've labelled yourself as someone that must not fail or take risks in the future because you don't want that fragile identity to ever be broken. Both painful and pleasurable experiences are necessary. Grow from the pain and be grateful for the pleasures rather than believing that everything was under your control and power.
You're waiting until you're bulletproof before you do what you really want, but what it really takes is courage even if you're afraid and vulnerable. Surviving risks (failed and successful ones) is what creates self worth. True inner confidence is a good indicator of someone that has experienced a lot of pain and pleasure via taking a lot of risks. Circumstances are made not to matter as much by experiencing them more. More experience with various circumstances = the less fear of uncertainties... but you can't gain that experience in the first place without courage. Repeated courage eventually leads to competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence. Repeated confidence leads to more courage.
Let go of all the excuses. It doesn't matter how unideal or uncomfortable the circumstances are. Let go of needing the perfect thing to say or do to convince her (walking on egg shells / forcing / chasing / needing / convincing). Let go of the need to be bulletproof. Accept that things might not work out in your favor. If you want her number, then ask for her number... why? Because you're interested / attracted to her and you want more of her in your life. It doesn't matter if she's in the middle of eating a donut while punching you in the face. Go for what you want. Especially when it's unideal / uncomfortable / uncertain.
The caves you fear the most holds the treasure you seek. If you succeed, then you've built the foundation of this relationship via truth and courage rather than censorship and paranoia. If you don't get the outcome you were hoping for, you learn and grow from the experience and take it with you to future risks and opportunities.
A lot of people seem to think expressing themselves honestly is a sign of weakness and ineffective, but I can't think of anything more bold, daring, audacious, assertive, sexy, and badass than going for what you want and being open enough to tell someone you think they're wonderful and gorgeous.
"This is me... take it or leave it, but I won't tip toe safely through life towards my grave. I respect myself enough to risk failure going for what I want."
Just be yourself.if you are shy keep going , and say whatever you want to say with your shyness but accept your mood don't ever urge yourself like "why did I said those" etc. And if you want from me more advice, I will try. Good luck and always smile with your eyes
Wow this is deep and well written. Thanks mate!