Advice please going in circles

Hi all,

I’ve had a masturbation addiction for as long as I can remember. First exposure to porn was when I was 10 years old. At first it was not necessarily porn although it later became porn. My year when I got addicted to porn was 2014 and 2015, it subsided in 2016 and then in the middle of 2017 I got addicted to sissy hypnos. I have quit the hypnos for a year but have been watching joi femdom porn and femdom porn when relapsing. Even a year later my view of myself is still warped from the sissy hypnos I watched a year ago. I’m trying hard to feel like a guy but as long as I’m addicted to porn I won’t feel like that. In my year of NoFap membership on my other account I got about 1 - 2 day averages and the most I got to was 4 1/2 days PMO free. For me it’s like a compulsion to fap to porn and touch my dick. Whenever I am bored or feel sad I open up Instagram, Facebook and start fapping.

The advice I got from someone else is I should go 90 days PMO free and then have real sex. But I can’t make it to even 1 week. Sex is everywhere on TV, Netflix. I find after seeing a triggering scene in a movie I get really horny and if I resist the urge, later when I relapse I am fapping to the thought of the scene in my head, or watching the scene, and it’s always a femdom scene. Like a woman beating up a guy or crushing his nuts, kicking him in the nuts or being authoritative/dominating. I am attracted to really mean, abusive women, but when on NoFap I am attracted to normal women. Stopping PMO would really help me with everything but I always lose control of myself and jizz, instead of holding my semen in my nuts where it should be. Semen in my balls feels uncomfortable and I am used to having empty balls and being in a dream like state all day, a trance, where I don’t feel my emotions and basically don’t feel anything, just like I don’t care about anything. I need help breaking this pattern.

 

The judgement is strong. My TV shows and media is my way of distracting myself from not PMOing.

 

Yeah I’m cursed with people seeing things that seem “off” or weird about me. It’s all thanks to my abusive upbringing, I scan every word everyone says for any signs that they wish me harm as a way to stay safe. Usually at this stage people just shrug me off as a weirdo without questioning it and never speak to me again. Other people see my reaction, they think that too and before I know it I’m an outcast. But I know what you mean. Thanks, I will free myself from this addiction.

 

I would do anything to be functioning right now, especially in COVID-19. I want to be “here” in the moment, but I feel a lack of control of my life and it’s so frustrating. It annoys me to the extreme. I did 19 hours on 18 Oct, 2 days on 20 Oct, then 1 day on 23 Oct, but omg how do I break the cycle, the boredom is what is killing me, stuck at home under literal house arrest thanks to the lockdown. Worst part is everyone said that this COVID thing would be over soon, then it wasn’t, then they said that again and it wasn’t over and over now with the election coming up, Biden could win, and according to my predictions if he does then everyone is screwed. This guy literally looks like a demon with black eyeballs. The USA plunges into civil war, COVID-19 mutates into COVID-21, the death rate multiplies, mass deaths accelerate, everything goes to hell.

 

Yes a malignant narcissist that keeps me company with drama. Games, TV shows, PMO, all ways to avoid painful feelings from abuse and ongoing depression made worse by that person. I remember having this same conversation with other people on my other account. Basically one person told me to leave and go no contact. I should. But I’m stuck with this PMO habit. It’s preventing me from properly functioning. A coping mechanism turned into an addiction. I would be waking up in the morning instead of the afternoon, doing the things I like to do and what I should be doing; readying myself to leave. It’s time to quit this habit, it is but I lost my love of living 6 years ago. Life doesn’t excite me anymore