Advice welcomed! first post here - weekly p and/or cybersex - my journey to save our marriage

My first post on nofap. This is tough because googling what’s wrong with me is always a negative reinforcement and I’m a bit afraid of what some comments may be...here we go.

I’m 25. Been with my wife for 7 years and married 3. She is good and loving and sensitive and God-fearing and caring and funny and chill and adventurous. And beautiful in the true meaning of the word.

2 months ago (a little over now) I PMO’d from cybersex really and felt an overwhelming feeling that I had to disclose that I had a problem and needed help. I expected her to leave, but she sat on the bed and said we’d work through it together and she’d be there every step of the way. AMAZING!! My problem would be confronted and I’d feel an overwhelming sense of relief...except I didn’t.

Sense then my urge to find P or cybersex have been pretty dormant (which is nice) but they’ve been replaced with instense relationship anxiety. “I’m not good enough for her”, “we aren’t connected enough”, “no one would hide this secret for so long from someone they really loved”, and the past couple of weeks have brought the worst of it....”her boobs are too small” or “she has a little bit of a double chin because her jawline isn’t that strong”. I’ve never picked these things apart before so why now?? The front of my head hurts every day. She’s in the best shape of her life and all I can do is judge tiny imperfections.

I want the shallow judgement and demand for perfection to stop...I know I created a false image of women for at least 10 years, but I just can’t handle judging my best friend this way...any advice at all would be helpful. I’m committed to this woman the way God calls us to be. She is walking through this storm with me and there is no one else I’d rather build a family and a tried and true testimony with.

I know some on here describe a very similar stage of judgement in terms of attraction that eventually opens up to seeing your partner as the most beautiful woman again...that’s what I want desperately. But I fear my mind is stronger than my soul at this point...

 

Something I wanted to add. Everyone here is loved. Everyone here is brave and courageous. Everyone here is good.

God opens his arms to all his children no matter how far they stray. I read from Luke this morning with my wife during our bible time and boy does that have some refreshing content. Recommend it to all!

 

I really appreciate this perspective. One of my big anxiety hooks is always assuming our situation is the exception and I’ve messed up too much to recover this marriage. But then we talk about the growth opportunity this is and the ability to build a truly unbreakable bond together built on trust and deep emotional love.

I’m excited for that. Even on days where I’m picking her image apart or don’t feel as connected or whatever that weeks anxious feelings are telling me. I’ve been blessed to marry an angel in spite of my addiction and I intend to nurture and cherish that blessing from here on out.

Again, your perspective is appreciated. I’m glad to hear others have been in the same situation and experienced the same difficult thoughts.

Right now I’m seeing a therapist and going to SA meetings. My wife and I are finding support in our faith, in transparent converastions, etc. i’ve Encouraged her to go back to her therapist or find a group but here’s the crazy thing - she has said that this kind of spiritual awakening is what she’s been praying for for a couple of years and she couldn’t be happier to see her prayers being answered, know she wasn’t the problem, and have me intentionally loving her again. Even if it’s hard for me to feel much right now. She’s strong. Incredibly strong. She’s my best friend and I’ve always been her rock, but now I know she’s the strongest rock I could ever lean on in this life.