Advice

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by anje, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. anje

    anje Fapstronaut

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    Any advice on how to make amends to the one I love more than anyone in the world for my use of porn and lies? I am going to get straight now for ME. This is it. But how can I make her see that I can do this and that I am sorry for the hurt. I never meant to hurt her.
     
  2. 57yrold

    57yrold Fapstronaut

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    This is so difficult. I feel really bad for you.

    I told my wife and she was very upset at first. She's kind of come around and she's supportive, but it still comes up occasionally. I'm trying to be kind and understanding with her when she gets mad at me. She deserves to feel her feelings, and if she's mad, I just need to deal with it.

    I would try as hard an you can to include the one you love in everything, regarding all this.

    There's a video on reboot nation where Gabe talks about this being about 'Addiction' rather than 'Attraction'

    Good luck
     
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  3. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    In the rebooting in relationship forum there is a lot from SO’s about Betrayal Trauma. Read as much as you can and learn to see things from her side. It’s finding a healthy balance between your recovery and hers. I’m an SO so to start validate her, listen to her, communicate honestly and take personal accountability for your behaviors.
    Good luck to you.
     
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  4. Try to help her understand that this is something a lot of people go through and that it's not something you want in your life. Us rebooting shows we have come to admit that we hate it, we hate that we like it and it tears us apart. You sound like you really care about her so you need a way of showing that. You're doing this to be a better person and maybe you're doing it for her. I don't know how she feels but obviously you should apologize for hurting her in whatever way, and emphasize it's not intentional. Porn isn't a replacement for her but she needs to know what porn is to you. One thing I know is that porn is not your lover and it never will be. A good partner wouldn't prevent you from being the best person you can be.
     
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  5. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    #1 you can't make her do anything..

    Like others have said she needs validated, and made to feel safe.

    These are the magic words. Say them in all sincerity

    The fact that...
    Is evidence that...
    No partner should ever...
    For that I am sorry...
    I want to reassure you...
    Again, I am sorry...
    What can I do for you right now?
     
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  6. anje

    anje Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your replies. Sadly it is too late as she says she does not love me, in fact I am pretty sure she hates me now. The truth is of course it is my fault. She will never believe another word I say. She thinks I love porn more than my own kids, it is completely untrue, I hate it for wgat it has caused but how can I reason with that. I have hurt her many times and now she feels I am just a loser who means nothing to her. I am triggered now but need to stay strong for me or I will end up the man she already believes me to be.
     
  7. anje

    anje Fapstronaut

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    You are right of course. My use of the word make was entirely wrong. As have been my actions. The worst is the lies. I think had I been honest she would have beeb prepared to try and understand. Why did I lie? Fear of rejection? Shame? Denial? A coping mechanism? I truely do not know. I did not plan this. I just hope that alone I can do this and beat this for my own sake as much as to make some sort of anends.
     

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