Afraid of women

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Platinum24, Feb 12, 2020.

  1. Platinum24

    Platinum24 Fapstronaut

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    Hey. I found this thread and decided to tell some of my problems with communicating with women. I was always afraid of approaching girls or even chatting with them , but then accidentally a girlfriend came to my life. By saying accidentally I mean that my friend invited me to a party and everything just happened there. You know, alcohol does it thing. For the next month or two my all fears of girls just went away. I couldn't even understand what was so scary about it. Later, after 3 years, we broke up and now it is all the same again. The fear came back to me (maybe even bigger), 2 years passed already after that brake up and I haven't even talked to any girl more than one day. Not talking about sex lol. I don't know, I am just so afraid of being rejected,being laughed at. I mean I hate chatting with girls because I am always thinking what to write, then writing it, then deleting it and so on and so on until I am out of minds and conversation just ends there.
    I can't just be myself, I want to be perfect and that is fucking stupid. Even though noFap gives me energy and confidence talking to strangers, but still I am too afraid of writing or talking to a girl.

    My friends always tell me: "what the hell is wrong with you? You are an attractive guy who constantly goes to the gym, has other things that women like and still YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH THAT" and my answer is always "it's hard to explain, I am just too afraid". And they just can't understand. This fear is on another level, I tell you guys. Since high school I have broken so many fears, but this one... this one is like a thick concrete wall that I am not even thinking about destroying it somehow, because it seems impossible to do that. Well, I would appreciate any comments or advices, because hell no, I am not going to see psychologist just because of that :D :D
     
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  2. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    You said that since high school you had broken fears, I don't think it differs much.
    I suggest you to deal with it from 3 different approaches:
    1. It has some psychological roots, so you need to work them out in order to liberate yourself (most likely childhood problems - for example not enough unconditional love from parents, etc.). Its a big topic.
    2. You should study what is fear and techniques to stop/diminish it (imagining the worst possible scenario and accepting it, presence at the right moment, mindfulness exercises, breathing, meditation, etc.).
    3. You should practice approaching/getting in touch with women. Probably better to start with rather not difficult stuff (what you consider not too difficult) like someone you know a little, or friend of your friend and so on (using techniques from #2). Then you can move to more difficult stuff like cold approaching women on the street (you can do it to get rejected in purpose, for example be stupid and have some fun).
    It's your own fear what makes you uncomfortable, not interacting with women.
    It's ok to have fears, I try to get rid of some of them also, for me for example public speaking is one of the biggest ones.
    Good luck!
     
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  3. Platinum24

    Platinum24 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind advices. I believe one of the problem is in my childhood. My mother gave me enough love but she never talked to me about girls. You know something like: you will find a girl one day and bla bla. Never had this converstation with her. On the other hand my relationship with father was cold. That means he also never talked to me about women and how to deal with them or how to approach them. So basically I needed a manly advice but never had one. I am not blaming them that now I am a looser when being around women, because one of my friends never had a father but also he never had problems with girls. It depends on a person but personally I believe it could helped me a little bit if one of my parents have talked to me about girls when I was a kid. Well, I know one thing: no one will get a girlfriend for me, I am an adult now so have to behave like it and fix my problems and fears by myself without blaming anyone. I hope you understood what I wrote because english is not my native language.
     
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  4. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    Well my friend i am a psychologist and i'll give you my two cents on the matter.
    From what you say and the replies you've given the roots of this problem lie in childhood. In this case what you say about the relationship with your mother really comes to attention, because from what i can understand the person who fulfilled basically almost all of your emotional needs during this important period of your life was your mother, your father on the other hand being cold and distant. The result of this being the fact you are not sure on how to approach other types of affection, in this case romantic love resulting in being unsure and uneasy when being around women. Since this is an area beyond the comfort zone you've been into for most of your life.
    This is not something to beat yourself up over, it is relatively common and not one of these one in a million cases.
    As for what could help. Well, it is true you were not given the tools and needed advice for this kind of situations when you were younger, but now that you are an adult you have the capability to do research on your own on the topics you were not educated on, this is good because you can form your own opinions and conclusions.

    Another thing to note here and you need to remember this. All of us have different priorities, and finding a partner has a different meaning for everyone of us. However do keep in mind that while finding a girlfriend is all good, at the end of the day it's only a supplement of the things which make life good. It's like protein shakes, it complements the things you are already doing. What you do isn't to find someone to attach yourself to or become an extension of you, or even to complete you. Those are myths society tend to try selling us. A relationship, a good one as such is one where both people share their lives and all the things which make them who they are.

    Sometimes what makes things harder is we idealize having a girlfriend more than we should, and that is in a way normal. I think you're unconsciously considering nearly every girl you meet or want to talk to as girlfriend material, something many of us have done at some point of our lives. Working on this could be a first step, assign things the value they have. Girls are just regular human beings like you and me, they're not eldritch horrors set to purge your mind of every bit of sanity you have. They might as well have the very same insecurities and doubts as you.

    Also you are not a loser just because you don't have a girl. As soon as you understand this and that it's only a complement of a good life. Things will flow naturally from there.
    Go one step at a time. Don't try to build a skyscraper from the top floor.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2020
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  5. Platinum24

    Platinum24 Fapstronaut

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    The information you gave me is comprehensive and I appreciate that. By the way I do understand that having a partner won't solve my problems, it can even add more problems in some cases. And you are 100 percent right by saying that I am unconsciously making every girl as a girlfriend material in my head. Because of that I am always strained just by standing near them. Also I try to convince myself that they are human beings too , not some "monsters" or strict and insane managers that shout on you everytime you say or do something wrong :D But I will try harder to know myself better and what's best for me and I will remember your advices, so I have to say thank you!
     
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  6. DudeMan430

    DudeMan430 Fapstronaut

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    Buddy you aren’t alone. What your describing is exactly the same problem I’m having. My father didn’t know anything about women, he just got cold approached by one in college. (Or so he tells me, lol). My mother gave me enough love but always said “Someday it will happen...” So, I never got advice on women from my parents. My friends in school and adulthood weren’t any help either. They had no idea what to do with women.
     
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  7. Platinum24

    Platinum24 Fapstronaut

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    I hope one day we will get out of this :) stay strong and work towards it! It is the only way
     
  8. docker

    docker Fapstronaut

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    Hello Platinum24.

    I totally understand that this must be a very stressful period in your life. I understand that you are forced to hold on in your present situation while life trying to make you give up. Your persistence and tenacity are heightened this time and makes you feel that you should defend your present condition and not allow to change yourself. This is an illusion! In the face of this pressure it is often better to surrender than to take a hard line and hold on. Whatever is being changed usually needs to change, and you will gain little by holding on, except to delay the inevitable!

    As you already know you are under a psychological transformation in which things within you try to break through the patterns of resistance and tension that you have built up in your life. It is like you have build a strong armour which doesn’t allow you to get hurt. Hurt of what mate? have you thought of it? I know that breaking through and get free of these patterns can be quite painful, or it seems to be, but for the most part you would be better off to let it happen. It is a regenerative stage in your life, which you should allow to happen and because you don’t let go, you feel disorientation for the moment. But this shall pass.

    Allow yourself to succumb to the changes that need to be made. The more you resist, the more painful it will become.
    Where are you from mate?
     
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  9. Platinum24

    Platinum24 Fapstronaut

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    Hey. I am from Lithuania, Europe. Life here is honestly not easy (well it is getting better a little by little) and we all have to have a strong armour. People here always tend to insult each other somehow, be better than someone else, gossip a lot. So here lies another problem that there is a big chance that if you fail with some girl, most likely everyone will know that and talk about that.
     
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  10. you did it once, you can do it again. some of us will die virgins
     
  11. FellatiousD

    FellatiousD Temporarily Suspended
    NoFap Defender

    When I hit day 90 I had so much mental clarity that I just asked girls out in public and wasn't even worried. Even got rejected in front of tons of people but gave zero shits. But when I have cumbrain I'm terrified of women just like you are. Focus on the streak and improving yourself and the confidence will come naturally.
     

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