Afraid she'll run if she knew about your PMO

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Merovingian, Jan 14, 2018.

  1. Thomas Smith

    Thomas Smith Fapstronaut

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    I can't for the life of me see why you think something that doesn't involve interaction with another real person (PMO) is akin to one that does (AnonymousAnnaXOXO's scenarios). Involving real people is significantly more of a betrayal. How about we change 'PMO' to 'PMO plus sleeping with prostitutes'? Now I'll agree they are both serious betrayal, because they involve real interactions with other people. Otherwise, there's no comparison. I don't understand why you can't see that!
     
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Ok I told my husband prior to us getting together no porn in our relationship and that it would trigger my anorexia for relapse (which I ended up back in treatment) and told him it was cheating. He did it anyways.

    I also said no lies.

    I set boundaries, he broke them.

    Most women want an honest man. Not one that lies and betrays.
     
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  3. This addiction isn't something I'll hide from women since there isn't a good reason to hide it; not to mention I wouldn't want it hidden from me. I wan't someone to love me for me, flaws and all. By being honest in the beginning I increase the possibility of finding that special person who will love and support me in my new healthy life. Likewise, I don't turn away women who've struggled with porn or sex addiction, unless it's clear they do not view it as a serious addiction or have no desire to change their behavior.

    You're only as healthy as your honesty.
     
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  4. They rightly do not agree with you because betrayal begins with intent and intent is born in the heart, the same place where love is suppose to reside. Your intent is what makes you a cheater regardless if you physically interact with another person or just lust over them.
     
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  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Reinheit for explaining that since he didn't get it
     
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  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think you interpreted the word winning exactly as it was meant. That is typical PMO addict thinking. They see women as objects for their pleasure, not an actual human being who has their own thoughts and feelings. Instead of pausing and saying wait I should tell her this because if I do not she may be hurt, they say I want to have her and I am going to do whatever I can to acquire her who cares if she gets hurt this is not about her. I am not sure that they even see it when they say things like this, but it’s clear to me.
     
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  7. Vherenz

    Vherenz Fapstronaut

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    This thread is awesome! Got a broader perspective on honesty. I'd rather be alone than to hide the truth (my true self) from the one I love. If we hide the truth then it only means that we are being selfish, We are just using the other person for extracting their love and affection for own sake. It's wrong. By opening up we can allow the other person to understand us better and determine compatibility, and it also gives the other person a freedom to decide whether to stay or not. I would love to gain and give that freedom in relationship when i have one.
     
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  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    It's clear to me too, but I wanted to come off gentle and not offend. But his wording offended me lol but then again I'm used to many men referring to women as things to have or sex objects to fuck... It's crazy how men don't see this.

    Language is important the worse we use say a lot about us our views our feelings.

    Using slang instead of the formal word says a lot. text writing versus the long sentence.

    psycholinguistics people.

    Maybe people just aren't as introspective and self-reflective, and hence are unaware?
     
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  9. Vherenz

    Vherenz Fapstronaut

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  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

  11. Merovingian

    Merovingian Fapstronaut

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    I found exactly that with my current girlfriend and can honestly say I've never lied to her or will lie to her, I don't even feel the need too. There is such a peace of mind that comes from being that vulnerable to someone and having them accept you unconditionally.
     
  12. Thomas Smith

    Thomas Smith Fapstronaut

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    You've heard the expression "he won her heart", haven't you? Is there something wrong with that? That's what I meant by saying a guy has won it all. I don't think of women as objects, neither was it poor wording.
     
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  13. Thomas Smith

    Thomas Smith Fapstronaut

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    Most women haven't been porn stars. Most women probably have had sex with multiple guys though. You're right. This makes me realize I didn't include everything in my question. Let me rephrase it: What is it that: (1) most women do, (2) most men don't do, and (3) many men find it a dealbreaker? Can you think of anything? Let's take excessive clothes shopping. I think that satisfies (1) and (2), but not (3). Same with gossip. I think it may satisfy (1) and (2), but not (3).

    I believe porn is unique because it's the only thing that the majority of one sex does, the majority of the other sex doesn't, and yet this other sex often finds it a dealbreaker. I really feel THE MAIN REASON WHY GUYS LIE ABOUT THEIR PORN USE IS THAT THEY KNOW THAT MOST WOMEN CAN NOT (can not!) UNDERSTAND THE PULL OF PORN AND BECAUSE OF THAT CONSIDER IT A RELATIONSHIP DEALBREAKER, AND GUYS FEEL THIS IS TERRIBLY UNFAIR BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PULL OF PORN! Excuse the all-caps, but I think this information is gold - I think it's the truth in a nutshell.
     
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  14. Thomas Smith

    Thomas Smith Fapstronaut

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    I understand your point. I do. I see how porn can be considered betrayal. I just cringe at trying to liken it to camming, where a woman is actually interacting with another guy. If that's a valid comparison, then let's say that camming is similar to sleeping with prostitutes or having one-night stands with other women - it's no worse if a guy does these things than if a woman cams. (It isn't - I'm just making a ridiculous comparison to show my point.)
     
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  15. I get what you're saying, Thomas. You're correct that the degree and severity of the betrayal would be different between the two; however, regardless of that fact who's ever heard of such a thing as an acceptable amount of betrayal? There is no such thing. Betrayal kills trust and trust is the heart and soul of every healthy relationship.
     
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  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Not to belabor this because there have been multiple threads about this topic, but some women do equate porn use to cheating. Usually this is when the use of the porn effects the sexual relationship with his partner and he lies about it. So if you are a woman whose spouse cannot perform in bed, or who chooses porn over being with you, yes that feels the same as cheating. Most men think it’s no big deal, and I agree that average normal porn use is no big deal if it does not effect the relationship, unless you lie about it. My point however is that it is not about the porn, it’s about the lying. Lying to your future partner or spouse about a serious topic that will effect the relationship no matter what that topic is, is all on the same level of betrayal. PMO addicts need to understand it’s the lying not what you are doing that causes the pain. And if your partner equates porn to cheating then she does. If it makes an addict feel “better” to say oh I did not cheat and I do not think that’s cheating and so it’s not all that bad, then okay, that may keep his guilt a bit at bay, but it won’t keep his partner. A big issue between men and women (not just addicts) is that often men cannot see that someone else has a different view and that they can respect that view. Example “Woman I think porn is cheating and I have asked you not to use it.” Man “This is so stupid, you are being ridiculous I don’t think its cheating, it would not bother me if you did it.” Woman in tears “but it bothers me.” Man keeps on using P because he does not think it should upset her even though she told him it does. When she brings up her feelings again, he trivializes them, then becomes angry, defensive and eventually refuses to discuss it at all. Woman becomes increasingly frustrated by her husband not caring about her feelings, and one day up and leaves. This is not just about addicts, it happens in many relationships. I suggest looking up the topic of emotional intelligence in relationships. Its something the majority of men lack (Only 30% have it), but which makes relationships so much happier. What should be said is I don’t think that it is cheating, but I understand that you do and I see that you are hurting by what I did, so I am going to stop.
     
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  17. Merovingian

    Merovingian Fapstronaut

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    This is a truth I must admit. Because of the way we are wired to be visually stimulated women cannot understand this addiction completely from our perspective.
     
  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    How many women have you told about your porn use (not addiction) that did not understand? I think you are operating under an assumption that’s just not true. In a recent survey 31% of women said they view it at least once a week, 30% once a month and 10% daily . So that means 61% of women are watching porn so how can you say that don’t understand? You don’t know that. But if you are dishonest you don’t get a chance to find out. Take me for example every partner that I had before my addict ex Used porn and I had zero problem with it we watched it together too. But if I had asked these men if they used it and they lied to me then I would end things with him. Lying about anything does not make a woman want to date you. And to me personally a man who lies about porn use is a huge red flag that he’s insecure, not sexually open so things will be bad in bed, and lacks good communication skills. Communication skills are essential to a relationship. So in lying you are saying to her I am going to keep things from you that I think will upset you without ever giving you a chance to decide how you feel about the matter, I made the decision for you.

    The biggest error in thinking I see with men who lie about porn use is that there’s an option C. And option C is that you lie to her about your porn use and she falls so in love with you that she forgets you lied. That does not happen. Option A is you tell her up front and either she’s cool with it or she’s not and leaves. Option B is you lie about it and she leaves you later when she finds out. And the kicker here is the woman who is fine with porn use and the one that hates it are both going to leave you. A woman who does not want her partner looking at porn or hates it will always hate it so tell her Early and save both of you a lot of pain. But the woman who would have had no issue with it? You now loose her as well.

    If you are an addict this is an entire different ballgame and you must disclose that upfront whether she asks or not as with any addiction. You can’t justify not telling because women don’t understand the true pull of porn. People can understand that other people feel differently than they do and respect that. Your comparison is like saying I’ve never shot heroin or even used it for that matter so my partner is okay with not disclosing his addiction to me because I don’t understand the pull of heroin?! That’s ridiculous. I may not know personally the pull of heroin but I can still understand that my partner has a strong pull to it because he tells me that he does. That’s like saying I like Pepsi and you prefer Coke, but because I prefer Pepsi I can’t possibly understand why you like Coke. This is a very male way of thinking because men do struggle with this. They can’t see that others feel and act differently and it’s justified but women and some men totally have that ability we do it on a daily basis.
     
  19. Vherenz

    Vherenz Fapstronaut

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  20. Merovingian

    Merovingian Fapstronaut

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    I told them all and none of them rejected me and entirely champion being openly honest with your SO, but I can completely agree with @Thomas Smith when it comes to the overwhelming biological practical joke for men being wired by nature to seek out novel mates and women feeling betrayed (justly) for us being that way. And no matter how much a woman could say they understand where we as men are coming from with that biological pre-disposition they can't and will never be able to completely understand.

    So yes it's a hard truth women are not men and will never completely understand us, and yes being honest is absolutely the best policy when starting a relationship, but being completely honest is never going to change the true nature of man.
     
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