Afraid she'll run if she knew about your PMO

@Surfing Poet Your post was very honest and genuine. I really liked your response.

It's true, hurt people do hurt people.

And yes, all the women in those situations were hurting and not addressing the issues in their life, and so they themselves are unhealthy and thus hurt the one they love with their unhealthiness.

Healthy people are able to be honest, are able to be accountable and responsible, are able to own their actions, are able to communicate, to trust, etc.

So I still believe honesty is best, especially when it comes to addictions, abuse, or other mental or medical issues that affect not only yourself but will affect the person you choose to be with

 

How do you know how women feel are you a woman? Have you ever been? Explain how there are women pmo addicts? I agree with you that you should tell no matter what. The problem I have is that you are making an assumption about all women that’s just not true based on your experiences as a man. Both genders have a biological disposition to have sex. My sex drive as a female has always been higher than my partners. I have single friends that hook up with different men all the time and enjoy it. They crave variety. I am also just as visual as a man.

 

I agree the best piece of advice I ever received from a couples counselor is that both partners must put each other first.

 

But why are these women watching porn? I've read a lot of women say they watch porn just to know what their guy is looking at, and to see what he likes. The percentage of women who watch porn purely for their enjoyment is probably a lot less.

Once again, this isn't often true. There are plenty of women who have decided to stay with their man after finding out about his PMO, who wouldn't have dated him if they knew about it to begin with.

And there's option D - that she finds out later about his porn use and stays with him. There are even lots of women on NoFap who chose option D. And there are TONS of women on other sites who have chosen option D.

But an addiction to heroin is different. Heroin isn't as gender-oriented as porn addiction is. A woman could understand that some people get addicted to heroin, men and women, but she's usually not going to understand porn much at all, because it is still (and I believe always will be) a mostly male thing.

 

No, no, no. There is a big difference between the sexes. So you are just as visual as a man. Ohhh..kay? You are an exception. What does that prove? Nothing. I like watching Hallmark movies. What does that mean - that most guys do? No. I'm an exception. Your sex drive as a female is higher than the guys you date. Once again, what does that prove? Nothing. You're in the minority. Not a tiny minority, but still a minority.

Guys have a desire for sexual variety that has its root in evolution. Just look at the animal kingdom and you'll see the same thing. We are, as someone once put it, the "naked ape". Are we higher than the apes? Sure. But we are related to them. (If you don't believe in evolution, well, hopefully that's not the case.) Women, in general, don't have nearly this much desire for sexual variety as men. They are much more interested in finding one good mate. As I said, in general.

 

And women don’t lol? If women had no evolutionary drive to have sex the human race would die out! It’s not just men! Men and women both have the drive but for some it’s a different type of drive but still just as strong as men. And in many cases it is exactly the same. Many many men have little to no sex drive and many many women have a very high sex drive and desire for variety.

The biological drive you speak of is actually just a gender norm created by society. Actually created by the patriarchy to excuse bad behavior. Oh he can’t control himself he’s a man. Boys will be boys. Of course he cheated it’s understandable men are visual creatures. Or she turned him down for sex he had to do something men need sex ! And women don’t? And then of course there are the pmo addicts still actively using or struggling to find an excuse to use again. Oh men have a need so it’s normal they need to use porn. Tell me when has this old biological predisposition ever been used for anything but to justify bad behavior? Men have controlled our society for years and in doing so have created rules that work for them.

Let’s flip the scenario the man is not giving the woman enough sex. Does anyone say oh women will be women? No they say the woman must have let herself go or she’s never by too aggressive or what’s wrong with her is she a nympho? But she has a biological desire for sex. Why is that not considered? Woman cheats on man. She’s called a slut! How could she what’s wrong with her?

So tell me who does the old argument for biological evolutionary bs serve? That’s right men. But here’s the thing. As the patriarchy is losing its grip and women are forging ahead we are seeing the exact type of behavior from women. Almost as many women as men cheat on their spouses. 60% watch porn and women are just as crass and crude about sex as men. Wife after wife complains of being in a sexless marriage.

This has nothing do do with biology and everything to do with gender bias. Thankfully that bias is fast moving forward and most people (other than men trying to make excuses for their bad behavior) recognize that women always had the same exact drive they just were forced by society to suppress it. And the old boys will be boys is going to the wayside as people realize that’s all it was an excuse. The revolution will be televised and I think in the next 10 years a lot of men are going to be in for a rude awakening called absolute equality. And women are going to leave men behind. If porn is what you desire great, next see you later! If you cheat okay I’m out. Turn me down for sex, I will get a man on the side. And when the tables are turned maybe then those who say “boys will be boys will get it.”

 

GG2002, ok, I can get on board with some of the stuff you say. Other stuff I can't:

No, women don't have as much drive for sexual variety as men do. They may have as much interest in sex, but not usually as much interest in various shapes, looks, sizes, races, etc. as men do.

As for the "many, many men" that have little to no sex drive, these are generally older men. Not younger ones (that haven't been too altered by their porn use).

What makes you think this? What feminist fanatics have you been influenced by? Tell me. I've probably got something to say about them.

But what have you got to say about the incredible similarity between the males of homo sapiens and the males of most animal species? We are a product of evolution, after all. As the saying goes, males wish to spread their seed to a multitude of females, and females look for that one, stable, strong male to have offspring with.

Here's where I agree with you quite a bit. Cheating isn't justified just because a guy can't get sex from his woman. There should be love, and love should trump sex. But breakup or divorce should come before cheating.

That biological disposition is what it is. It is sometimes just used to explain why guys like variety. In this case, it's a neutral purpose for using the explanation - not a justification of bad behavior.

Here I fully agree. I would never say the woman is a nympho, but I know some guys would. I would never shame her for wanting more sex, or even wanting to go outside the relationship to get it, but I know some guys would.

As I said in another post, I disagree with this number. A lot of women watch porn to see what their guy is looking at or what he likes.

Millions of years of evolution disagree with you.

The same exact drive? No. But more of a drive than society thinks.

I think a lot of this will be good. It will make a bunch of guys shape up who need to. But women are already seeing a lot of ways in which equality isn't what they bargained for. They are realizing some ways they had it good. But guys are also realizing ways they had it good.

 

Thank you. My bf told me the first time we hung out. Before we even started dating. In fact he told me everything before we decided to be exclusive. He didn't want anything coming out in the future that could potentially hurt us and drive me away. And to be 100% honest, that raw honesty played huge part in me falling in love with him.

 

I have a question to the ladies here.

A few months ago i met a girl, she lives across the street and we started to hangout. We did see each other daily for four weeks and it felt like it was a relationship. I was insecure because i could not give her sex because i knew i had PIED. At this time i was off porn for over a year but was still having substitutes like sexting and grinding/edging. So i was still addicted without knowing.

Her father sadly died after those four weeks and she told me she needed some space. I gave her that since i of course fully understood. She then told me her feelings were complex and she didn't know what she felt for me. I think it has to do with me not giving her sex and holding back the relationship, i was pretty much backing it off while i loved her a lot.

2 months passed were we would just meet and walk the dog for example and talk about her feelings about her dad passing away i saw she was doing better in those days. During her christmas holiday she bought me a present and told me she just bought for her closest persons. I was the happiest man on earth that day. I started to ask her out on a date to drink some wine in the city again and she said yes. Still i felt very insecure and i must have been broadcasting that. That weekend she couldn't go on the date, she had a perfect reason. Still i was mad, not on her. But just emotion from the whole situation came out. I was more mad about myself to be honest. I told her this and she told me i ruined her evening.

The next sunday i saw a guy in her house at first i thought i was imagining things. But the next morning i saw him again. I approached her and asked her about it. I made a fight on the street and told her i never wanted to see her again. I did not mean a word of this. The guy left through the backdoor. I don't feel like she cheated me since we were not dating and she told me that she was unsure about her feelings.

Anyway, i felt more decided than ever to kill my addiction. I'm 100% sure i will succeed this time. I wanted to tell her after 30 days around valentine's day to then break the silence. But while i was typing this text i broke the silence and wrote her that i wanted to tell her something about me that nobody knows not even my parents. So i guess the answer presented itself already in my head haha. Thanks anyway.

 

Sure. What do you think about it?

For now, I sent the message and i know she saw it. I saw her walking upstairs and then i saw the curtains move from out a dark sleeping room which is her sisters.

 

The fight was pretty mild. I asked her a question she refused to answer. Then i told her if the answer to my question would be yes that i never wanted to talk with her. She is Greek so used to some temperament. My excuse will be the truth. That i was afraid for a sexual relationship because of my ED caused by why we are all here.

At that time i didn't give an explanation to her. Just said i wanted to do things slowly with her because i had bad relationsships with girls in the past. She did not understand this since her argument was that if you are in love you want to have sex and follow your feelings.

 

That is the main reason why i want it to tell to her. That is was not her, but because of me.