After years - let's try this

Hello,

I'm 28 and I guess that the first time I discovered masturbation was around 12.
Since then, I continued masturbating myself quite regularly (arriving do it daily in my teenage time). Maybe pushed by my school mates, maybe because of the age.
I started watching erotic things very early (around 13) on TV and leaflets.

Then, when the internet arrived as a regular media, I started looking for porno pictures instead.

It went on, growing slowly in my mind.
I have never been a huge user of pornography - but in these last years, it developed worst.
As the "Getting started" says, I wasn't happy with the "regular" pornography sex that the web offers. It is there where I arrived also to gay porno.

It completely started destroying my values and I started feeling always worse about myself, my conscience and definitely God (I'm a Christian BTW).
It started working on my mind, this illusion of having sexual relations with anyone alive.
I guess you know how it feels when reaching the bottom.

Until this last episode, when (maybe because of loneliness/boredom) I started doing live gay chat to see how it is and I masturbated myself in front of the camera (In front of a real person).

That definitely broke me.

Now, to whoever is a Christian, you know how bad it hurts you!
I just want to throw up thinking of these things - it is something that disgusts me.

I definitely need help to come out from this vortex and I believe that God heard my plead today - NoFap will be an oasis in this desert.

May God bless you!

 

Hello and welcome!

We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

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If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges

Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups

There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!

 

Day 5

at least, this is what NoFap says - I feel it like an eternity since last time.
I admit that I arouse very easily. Even reading some lines on this website doesn't help

Homosexual thoughts are still there, and as soon as I realize what I'm thinking, they just disappear.
It is truly my mind used to these thoughts for arousing.
I just thank God for His Spirit who helps me to feel uncomfortable every time I have sexual thoughts or masturbation willing.

Today I am sick - throat infection.
So, I stayed all day long at home - alone.
During the afternoon, I laid down in bed a little to rest and watching Big Bang Theory.
The first thing it came in my mind: why don't watch some porno?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! No story!

It came in my mind about the gay chat, too.
I had at first a little arouse because of the thought to see me masturbating or others masturbating.
After 2 seconds, immediately a sensation of disgust for me and other men.

It is funny how my mind is used so much to link pleasure with homosexuality, and as soon as I recognize what is that, completely the opposite!

Other than this, I had the urge to have someone to love, to cuddle, to protect and take care of.
It came in my mind my best friend, she's not living where I live. So I wrote her, chatted with her.. listened to her.. and imagine how it would be like living with her. And I liked it.
I had some sexual thoughts too about her but destroyed them in a second, not willing to commit sin with her.
I love her - she deserves the best.

I thank God for her life anyway - she is always there and helps me to believe that one day, I will be able to love another sister... another? I don't know, let's see!

What I noticed, it's that I've been too lazy today - giving fault to the throat.
But it didn't help to distract me.

Please, keep me in prayer!
May God bless you

 

PART OF MY STORY

I would like to share part of my story - it is still in progress, for God is still working in me, but I know God will use it for His Glory:

I would like to share my "testimony" with you.
I believe it will help you to understand yourself.

Like you, I started masturbating myself very early (12) and do it often - twice per day or every day.

In the beginning, I was entirely attracted by the sensation that you have when aroused. No filthy thoughts at all (how innocent I was!)

I have always been attracted by other girls in my teenage life. I didn't have any sex experience in the past, just some kiss on the cheek and on the mouth (not french style though - lol).
I am Christian too - filled with the Holy Spirit speaking in tounges and water baptized in Jesus' Name.
My family is involved 'til these days in ministry.

With the years, I started discovering myself more and more since arriving in masturbating myself regularly twice per day (porno wasn't there yet - sometimes I was watching some semi-naked girls in some ads and imagine them while masturbating).

Because of this strong sensation in masturbating myself, I started looking for more and introduced myself to pornography (also because my friends at school were showing videos).

I admit that I have always been not very masculine.
Because of my Christian lifestyle, my character formed in a very nice and calm environment and when at school, the difference between me and my friends was enormous!
They were interested in playing football, being strong and muscular, be the "guapos" of the situation.
I was just a teenage guy who liked reading and go to church XD

At High School especially, they started to make jokes about me.
That I was gay, homosexual etc.
I knew it wasn't true, but it really hurt me. I started departing from having friends, feeling uncomfortable in the presence of other "males" because I thought they were thinking I was gay.

This didn't help with the porno and masturbating situation and, to try to me that I wasn't gay, I started "managing myself" even more.

Super Long story short - I started thinking "what if I am gay indeed".. I started giving thoughts to that:
started thinking what about having sex with other guys would be and.. started masturbating while thinking of it.
I liked the idea... I liked it. I continued doing it.
Feeling bad - ashamed - I knew I was wrong. But more than everything, once the release of masturbation was gone, rethinking on that homosexual thoughts, it was disgusting me!

I knew what I really wanted, I always desired to love a woman and have a family with her and work for the Lord!

Now, let me go straight to the point:
Nowadays, looking at my past, the Lord helped me to understand how it works in the spiritual realm and in our brain.
What happens is this: a man who masturbates itself, regularly, especially a lot, does find pleasure in his own body.

In reality, he does make sex to himself! tell me if not?
Did you notice that after masturbating a lot, the only idea of touching yourself and masturbation arouse you?

When you masturbate a lot, in your brain what happens is this:
Hey, I find pleasure in my own body, which is a man's body, playing with this "toy" (a penis).
I know what men like, I know what men feel, I know what they think.
Pleasure is penis!

This thought takes place easily, especially if you don't think about any girl and just concentrate on your own pleasure or, even worse, in other men's pleasure.

Now, if it comes to watch gay porno, especially after that you're already masturbating like crazy, it will be easy for you to be caught in the same pleasure - not mainly because you're gay; in reality your brain it's just connecting the pleasure you are feeling in the body as penis=fun (that's how it has been registered after you've played a lot with your own buddy).

It is a matter of perversion - nothing else!
Perversion is in a mind that has been manipulated by having feelings of pleasure in your own body (a male one), wrong sex thoughts or, even worse, to bullyism, sex abuses, divorce (no good parenting), lack of attention etc.

I must admit that I still struggle sometimes with these thoughts.
But every time I stop, even if aroused, and really think to have sex with a real man (not in my imaginary), wooo: IT IS DISGUSTING!

From this, I recognize that it is a brain status; we have trained it too long to find pleasure in our own body (which is a male one) and, consequently, in any other body similar to ours.

This may not be the case for everyone, but it could be similar to your situation.

I met a lot of people who made it out of homosexual life.
They are now living a perfect Christian life (many married), talking to everyone about the truth which is in Jesus Christ!
Homosexuality is another lie, close related to Pornography and masturbation/perversion.

I'm glad you read so far - I couldn't express myself entirely, but if you have thoughts, queries, questions, please do not hesitate to ask (even in private messages).

You are not gay!
You've been created to love another woman, and show your love to her (not to yourself, not to any other temporary girl or even animal/thing).

May God bless you, young boy!

You have a blessed future in front of you - God really takes care of you!
In Jesus Name

 

Day 7

I relapsed - I masturbate myself while laying in the bed.
I promised myself use the bed only to sleep during night, but because I'm not feeling well, I decided to rest on the bed during the afternoon.

It started with sexual thoughts about anything and ended me thinking about masturbation.. end the rest is history.

Well, at least I didn't watch any porno or chat.

I guess I need a PA if I want to take this seriously.
I did better during these past years and I can make it until end of the year!

 

Day 3

Everything alright. No filthy thoughts - quite the opposite actually..

I'm recovering from my sore throat and feeling better.
I need to improve my communication with the Lord Jesus, now.

Restoring what I lost - which is the best that I have in my life!

Greeting, in Jesus Name.
God bless you.

 

Hi @YesICant, all the best to you! If you want to join 'The Matrix' challenge click here> 'The Matrix'

 

DAY 3 - again?

Really? I'm still here?
I can't continue like this anymore. The time to change was yesterday!
But until God is giving me another day, it means I have another opportunity - definitely taking the chance and pushing forward with God's grace.

Happy to know that @Become Free has reached such amount of days - I'll be there soon too, bro!
Keep me in your prayers

Right now I'm feeling good and I know God is good and faithful!

Let's see if I'll remember to write here often.