Age 37, stopped pmo, Jealous of my girlfriends former abusers

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by F-man, Aug 2, 2020.

  1. F-man

    F-man New Fapstronaut

    Hello fapstronauts! My first post [​IMG]
    (Originally posted at rebootnation)

    I need some help. This is both a succsess story with nofap and some newly found problems I didnt know I had. Excuse my language, english isnt my native.

    I have been masturbating pretty much everyday since I was ten and found my passion for porn at the age of 12 when I found my dads video stash, discovered a fetish for the same body parts as my dads movies focused on and have been masturbating ever since. I was quite shy as a kid, very pleasing and insecure but also successful in my sport and perhaps that made it so I got some girlfriends.

    When I was in my thirties I stumbled upon Gary Wilsons Ted talk and nofap/rebootin, didn't fap for 6 months although I had sex with partner at the time. With my former partners I had to chase my own climax, fantasize about porn while having sex to enjoy it. I could keep on for hours if I wanted to but frankly put, it was quite boring and I felt sorry for my partners that they didn't arouse me enough. All this numbness dissapeared in two weeks of abstinence and I suddenly adored the feeling while having sex with my partner at the time. I had discovered a whole new type of sex and it was awesome! I quickly learned to retain my orgasm through “interval intercourse” and keep on for as long as I wanted. This relationship ended because I wasn't ready for her at the time and eventually I got on and of edging to porn but never to the degree I had done before. I now feel pretty much as a free man in regards to pmo. My problem nowadays is not porn but my sexuality, perhaps BECAUSE of porn. I still got turned on by power and abuse. It is like my brain is split in two sides of passion-daemon-power-driven-abuser and a loving person.

    Fast forwarding to now I have met a woman I truly love and we have great sex. We enjoy switching between vanilla and rough sex. Vanilla love making was pretty new to me and I find it totally awesome. Unfortunately my girlfriend was abused as a child and developed an abusive taste for intimacy. In one period in her life she was fighting her feelings of discomfort by letting guys essentially rape her. She literally tracked down abusive men just to get hurt and to me it is totally illogical but apparently she is not alone with this behavior. It is a form of sexual self injury, that give her a temporary feeling of taking control over her body by re-live the child abuse as an adult and make it more concrete.

    There was one guy, twice the age of her who abused her in a regular music club and she kept on coming back for sex in that club about ten times and got home and cried after every time she did it. This guy threw coins at her in front of her friends and she still followed him into the toilet to please him. Now she says that she is totally repelled by this guy but she never told him. So, in short, she tricked him that she wanted more just to be abused. I still dont know for sure what to do of all this. I was totally shocked when she told me, I felt disgusted, had a hard time believing her intentions and wanted to puke up my intestinces when I heared it and wanted to yell at her, leave her and pet her at the same time. I eventually got over it with some help from psychedelics (I don't recommend this as the first solution to a problem) and lots of talking.

    About six months later when I was very happily in love, I watched an episode of game of thrones where a teenage girl was abused by a maniac. I remember I got turned on by it and repelled by my own excitement. Clearly this scene was not meant to turn me on. But it did. And I felt yellause of the abuser in the scene, even more clearly not the directors intention. I tried to repel the apparent sexiness of it and tried to feel sorry for the girl without result. About an hour later I got back in the loop of thinking of my girlfriends abuser and I couldn’t stop the repeating movie in my head. It wasnt untill a couple of hours later I realized that this scene was the trigger and I suddenly realized the whole dynamic. I was JEALOUS on my girlfriends abuser at that club. She came back for more even if he treated her like shit in front of her friends and he got laid every time. In my mind he must have felt like a freaking unstoppable chick magnet and must have gotten the ultimate confirmation of his manly sex appeal. It haunts me that it wasn't me who experienced this with her when she was 20 years old. This is now 15 years ago but in my mind treats it like a new thing every time I get some more input.

    So what do you guys/girls think? Is my mind still twisted by brutal porn or is it something evolutionary every man has deep inside? Do I have to stop enjoying rough sex with her? Is vanilla the way to go or do you think I have to explore this dream to be a chick magnet by trying to find young girls to satisfy my need for conformation? Is there somebody out there who can Identify with the guy at that club, with me or my girlfriend? Can I be "cured" from this sexual orientation just by abstaining from porn for an even longer period and with more consistency?

    Please be gentle about her in the comments, it doesn’t help me to read nasty things. She is super sweet to my daughter who has another mother and she has a heart of gold. I dont want to be repelled by her.

    / Fapman
    +TenPercent and hadenuf like this.
  2. UnStunned

    UnStunned Fapstronaut

    Read your entire story, man. Firstly, just take a deep breath and tell yourself, you'll be okay. Stop the rough sex if it feeds your inner demons to think about her in that abusive way. Quit thinking about that guy at the club, it doesn't lead you anywhere good in life. Make love to her. Show her how real love is much better than those things she did at the club with that guy. Man you don't have to do everything that turns you on. At the worst time of my addiction, I was aroused by gangbangs, threesomes, cuckold all vulgar things, man if I say I wanna start living according to that, I'll end up in permanent depression. So, you DO NOT do everything that turns you on. Somethings are just supposed to left at the very spot itself.
    +TenPercent and hadenuf like this.
  3. F-man

    F-man New Fapstronaut

    Thanks man. Haha you cracked me up and you are right. I should not do everything that turns me on. Maybe I too get depressed if I do that shit that guy did to girls, I dont know but it is a comforting thought. How long did it take for you to get rid of that wierd sexual orientation? I mean, when starting pmo at the age of twelve I really don't know what would turn me on if I never watched those hundreds of terrabytes

    Edit: Those things that turned you on don't sound that extreme to me, but I get the point
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2020

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