Thank YOU for helping some of us keep faith.
Some days it’s much harder than others. So true commitment, dedication, and effort are beautiful things to behold.All her new triggers?
- Thread starter Reverent
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Thank YOU for helping some of us keep faith.
Some days it’s much harder than others. So true commitment, dedication, and effort are beautiful things to behold.
@Reverent I think the listening and respecting her feelings will help a lot. Trust me, we KNOW that sometimes triggers hit in the most unexpected ways. I still get triggered and hate that I do - sometimes it feels ridiculous but there it is. This PA crap does a number on everyone. So acknowledging and validating the triggers and her feelings and doing what you can to alleviate them is HUGE. When operating from a place of hurt, I think everything seems more: dangerous, frightening, anxiety-inducing. The hyperawareness is insane. You supporting her through her own recovery will help you both heal just as when she supports you through your own recovery. All the best to you both!
Reverent
Fapstronaut
Uh thanks. ... @GhostWriter .. I guess.
You certainly have some interesting opinions and seem passionate about your beliefs. That's great.
Just so we are clear, my wife and I are not fighting over anything. I want to better understand her and help. These forums have been great so far. Thanks.
You certainly have some interesting opinions and seem passionate about your beliefs. That's great.
Just so we are clear, my wife and I are not fighting over anything. I want to better understand her and help. These forums have been great so far. Thanks.
Queen_Of_Hearts_13
Fapstronaut
This is beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes because god, I wish my husband would do something like that! That would be the sweetest thing in the world. My love language is acts of service, so taking out the trash running a hot bath... those are like gems!
Queen_Of_Hearts_13
Fapstronaut
@GhostWriter yes, a huge leap. But still, the fact that you could come up with something so romantic... just wow. Why aren't guys romantic these days?
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Deleted Account
Guest
Have you tried saying these exact things to her? Have you asked her that question? Are there things she thinks she would be triggered by if they happened, but you haven't written them down yet? If you have a good track record of addressing past trigger issues, you might point out that progress you've made together and that it would be helpful to both of you if new triggers could be handled with the understanding that it will be added to the list and that you didn't know it was a problem when you did it. If she approaches you calmly about it, then you should be ready to also respond calmly and simply resolve it with the list.
Make sure you are being honest with yourself as well. Don't think that because you have a Netflix subscription, that Hulu or Amazon is fine as well. You know this area is an issue, so be legit with you actions.
I ran into this overall problem with my wife the other day. What I thought was a normal conversation ended up in my triggering her with my behavior/words even though from my perspective, there was nothing to the discussion that should have been triggering. After having a lengthy discussion about it, we saw each others' viewpoint and were able to move forward. But one of the issues that came up for me was the notion about how I had been healthy and honest for a while, but only in my book. Not in hers. In hers, there is still doubt and mistrust today. In understanding that we are NOT on the same page right now, I was better able to understand where she stood and will be more sympathetic moving forward.
Regarding the recital issue: I'm going on vacation soon with my wife and it is to a place where there probably will be triggers (bars and beaches). I told her last night that I knew this was going to be the case and that if I saw something that was a potential trigger, I would turn away or otherwise remove myself from that setting. More importantly, if she saw me do that, I hoped that she would understand that is was a good thing in that I was taking myself "out of that situation" rather than fighting it. That I was acknowledging that it was a problem for me immediately and that it was a conscious, self-aware decision on my part to do the right thing.
So I might offer this suggestion (and it could be applicable to Netflix, etc.) as well: Be super-proactive in offering information that to you, seems innocent. If you notice short skirts, tell her immediately either "I recognize the skirts, but they are not a trigger for me." or "Those skirts are a potential problem and so I'm going to go out into the hallway until this is over." It's important that you have a good number of those second statements as well as the first. It's about being genuine and vulnerable. Once she understands that you are reporting to her to make her your partner in the fight, she'll feel more comfortable that you are not hiding things and that you have a decent grasp on your addiction.
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Deleted Account
Guest
Sadly, they are a dying breed. I blame technology.
Saw a couple in a restaurant the other day. Both were on their phones most of the entire meal. Very little eye contact. Don't know how you can make honest, spiritual connections to someone when that is how you go through life. But then again, I'm 50. So get off my lawn!
Reverent
Fapstronaut
I want to always be honest. Proactive has backfired on me before. I'm not opposed to it, but it's a delicate dance.
I say proactively I notice skirts, or I expect there will be short skirts at this jr high event or I need to step out in the hall.
These have been met with, oh so you're looking forward to skirts, you're fantasizing about skirts, why is it even on your mind, why do you need to be alone in the hall, what are you doing out there? Sure.
I just tell the truth.
Different question:
Does validation ever feel like lies since we've lied so much before? Like when I say "the fact that those young womens dresses caused you tension is evidence that you are still hurt and affected by my awful past behaviours. No wife should ever have to second guess her husband's intentions around innocent girls. For this I am truly sorry. I want to assure you I am committed to becoming better and I try my best to avoid potential triggers. Again I am sorry for what you are going through. I love you."
If I say those words, does in the back of her mind she say, "yeah right". Because I've lied about PA in the past.
What about if I say "nope not a trigger". Is that believable?
Im reminded to validate her, speak kindness, and be open and honest. But too me they are just words, which I think aren't worth much since I've also lied to her face. How does a SO seperate what they want to believe vs what they don't. Trust is broken, how can she trust my honest kind words?
Great discussion folks. I appreciate it.
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Deleted Account
Guest
Eesh. This is just tough. As they say, only truth and time will heal these wounds. But wanting to remove yourself from a harmful situation and being met with criticism is a tough pill to swallow. I don't know. Maybe, "I can stay here and fantasize while I'm looking at them, or I can remove myself so that my mind can stay clear." Not saying it in a way to be a wise ass, but just to let her know what you see as options.
Another suggestion: "This is a trigger for me. I don't like that fact, but it's true. How would you like me to handle this situation because it honestly hurts my efforts to get better?"
It's probably less likely to be believed than the phrase "yes, this is a trigger." Thus my suggestion that both comments (essentially the truth) are offered equally. Certainly, if you say "no," she may not believe you. If you say "yes," her mind may race off to unhealthy places. But I'd take the latter option. I'd rather be open about what is a problem for me and if necessary, expound about the specifics. It's being vulnerable.
TryingToHeal
Fapstronaut
Not sure if you were wanting SO perspective on these questions as well, but if not, just stop here.
Something that has helped me is stuff that he tells me that I can then verify. Like we have the "find friends" app on our phones now. I can see where he is whenever I want, so he tells me he is somewhere like he goes on a hike, I can check and see, yep, he is there on the hike when he said he was going to be. I also have all his passwords to everything. Now I haven't checked them in months, but the thing is I *could* if I wanted to, so it makes me feel like there is transparency there. That kind of thing helps me to build trust.
Even little stuff that has nothing to do with the PA at all will make me question the trust and his recovery when he does it. Like it can be something that doesn't even matter but I'll get upset because he said he was going to do X and he did Y. Like I would have had no problem with Y if he just said I'm doing Y, but it's the fact that he said X and did Y. That wasn't what you said. I was nothing like this before, I'm normally a very logical and understanding person but now I just feel so guarded and reactive all the time towards him because I don't trust him. It sucks, I hate it. I hate questioning everything. But when you're building trust, the little stuff matters. Because she feels like if I can't trust you with the little stuff then how am I supposed to trust you with the big stuff? It goes back to that quote I said yesterday... be impeccable with your words. (from here: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319)
I have been in that exact spot. I feel glad that he noticed a trigger and was proactive but then it's like oh great, so you noticed and would be triggered by this. It is such a tough place to be. What my husband will say sometimes that helps is that he's trying to remove all doubt for me so that there is no doubt of what his intentions are. That he has no interest in that and he doesn't want to leave any room for me to have to wonder if he does. We went somewhere recently where there was triggers everywhere, people in bathing suits and barely anything. He grabbed my hand, removed his sunglasses, pulled his hat slightly down, and looked towards the ground a little in front of us as we walked through. Now he says he wouldn't have been bothered by any of it and could handle it and not be triggered, but he did that for my benefit, so there was no questions in my head about what he was actually looking at. All he would have seen was feet, calves, and the ground (and luckily feet aren't his thing or I guess that wouldn't have worked).
Yep, I do. All the time. A lot of times I think, yeah right, sure that is how you feel. That is why you spent our entire marriage jacking off to random women daily. I do not think that all the time, though. Sometimes I hear him, and it is comforting. It really depends on the situation and just how overwhelmed I am feeling as to how I receive it. HOWEVER, even when this happens, I do always appreciate that he takes the time to notice, express it, especially knowing what my reaction may be to it. I think that is the important part. And over time, a lot of what he is saying sinks in. More sinks in the more trust returns.
Sometimes. I really can't say too much about this one because it really just depends on what it is. Sometimes it feels like denial, sometimes it feels like I can believe him.
This is tough. It is true. A lot of the words you say now may be questioned. And she has every right to do that and feel that way and it sucks for both of you. Trust me, if she is anything like me, she hates it just as much as you do. She wishes more than anything she could trust your words. But it is a protection thing. The walls are up. For me it is like he lied before and I didn't have any clue. I'm guarding myself against that happening again and being hurt by telling myself all the time don't just believe him, he could still be lying, etc.
Something that has helped me is stuff that he tells me that I can then verify. Like we have the "find friends" app on our phones now. I can see where he is whenever I want, so he tells me he is somewhere like he goes on a hike, I can check and see, yep, he is there on the hike when he said he was going to be. I also have all his passwords to everything. Now I haven't checked them in months, but the thing is I *could* if I wanted to, so it makes me feel like there is transparency there. That kind of thing helps me to build trust.
Even little stuff that has nothing to do with the PA at all will make me question the trust and his recovery when he does it. Like it can be something that doesn't even matter but I'll get upset because he said he was going to do X and he did Y. Like I would have had no problem with Y if he just said I'm doing Y, but it's the fact that he said X and did Y. That wasn't what you said. I was nothing like this before, I'm normally a very logical and understanding person but now I just feel so guarded and reactive all the time towards him because I don't trust him. It sucks, I hate it. I hate questioning everything. But when you're building trust, the little stuff matters. Because she feels like if I can't trust you with the little stuff then how am I supposed to trust you with the big stuff? It goes back to that quote I said yesterday... be impeccable with your words. (from here: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319)
Reverent
Fapstronaut
@TryingToHeal let me say I sincerely enjoy reading your responses. What you think and feel resonates with me so well.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I love how it doesn't matter what I say or how I understand things, my ignorance won't ever affect your relationship. This has been especially helpful to try and sort things out verbally, without adding fuel to tender tinder.
Thanks for not being my wife and giving it to me straight.
I think respectfully mature conversations as we have all been engaging in here really needs to happen more. Sometimes we just need to "get it out" without damaging the ones whom we expect so much from.
Relationship rebuilding is all a big learning curve. Isn't it wonderful!
Don't take this the wrong way, but I love how it doesn't matter what I say or how I understand things, my ignorance won't ever affect your relationship. This has been especially helpful to try and sort things out verbally, without adding fuel to tender tinder.
Thanks for not being my wife and giving it to me straight.
I think respectfully mature conversations as we have all been engaging in here really needs to happen more. Sometimes we just need to "get it out" without damaging the ones whom we expect so much from.
Relationship rebuilding is all a big learning curve. Isn't it wonderful!
TryingToHeal
Fapstronaut
Thank you, I am glad they help! I get the same thing out of reading what the PAs say on this forum and in their journals. It helps me relate to how my husband is feeling and how tough it may be for him as well. I love that you are here trying to improve your relationship and see things better from your wife's perspective!@TryingToHeal let me say I sincerely enjoy reading your responses. What you think and feel resonates with me so well.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I love how it doesn't matter what I say or how I understand things, my ignorance won't ever affect your relationship. This has been especially helpful to try and sort things out verbally, without adding fuel to tender tinder.
Thanks for not being my wife and giving it to me straight.
I think respectfully mature conversations as we have all been engaging in here really needs to happen more. Sometimes we just need to "get it out" without damaging the ones whom we expect so much from.
Relationship rebuilding is all a big learning curve. Isn't it wonderful!
BetrayedMermaid
Fapstronaut
Netflix is a HUGE trigger for me... I don't think I'll ever be able to watch shows again because he would look up the actresses and find sexy/naked pics and start there.
We have had times where this kind of thing happened, too. In our situation, I will sometimes be triggered by his proactive efforts because now I'm aware of how he has used the proactive approach so often in the past to try to throw me off track.
For example, he voluntarily told me about the new girl they had in the HQ office that day and includes some insignificant details about work B.S. I never would have known anything about her being there otherwise. So, he's set this up to make it all seem like no big deal. Two days later, she's trying to convince him to spend the weekend with her and they text back and forth over 200 times. He tried to deny the whole thing at first, but finally admitted to the texts (which I had proof of anyway). However, he said they were just talking about 'work.' His defense was based around the fact that he had been upfront and told me about her being there since the first day, and why would he have told me about her if there was anything to hide since I never would've known she existed otherwise. In reality, he told me about her upfront in case I ended up hearing about her some other way so that way it would seem like he had nothing to hide.
So, now, there are times when I have difficulty with his proactiveness because of how he's used it in the past. I don't know if you've ever used it that way or not, but I thought I'd give another SO perspective just in case.
