All I want for Christmas is death.

jurte

jurte

Fapstronaut
You didn't misread. The fact that I'm posting here is only the result of my addiction and disease. I'm writing this as a way to express my emotions and feelings, as no one in my life knows that I'm suffering from porn addiction. I won't bore you with my story, you can read my previous posts if you're interested, I post here from time to time, mostly when I'm at my lowest points. I've lived twenty-two years on this planet, and more than half of my miserable life was impacted by pornography. I never knew this is such a strong tool to control a man, I still can't believe that something so accessible is so devastating. And yet here you all are, believing in NoFap and willpower and self-improvement. The value of your so-called streaks and "superpowers" that you gain are completely idiotic since you all treat the battle with addiction as a challenge and a way to get a girlfriend. I was like that as well at some point. Fell in love with a girl, and ruined my relationship with her because I'm an addict. Now, I'm in another relationship, and nothing has changed, I feel she's straying away from me, and I can't do anything about it because I'm an addict. I can't fight anymore with it, I've read SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION's pmo book and it didn't change me, the porn monster still won. My relapses are the worst, I pay for video chats, go on Omegle or post my genitalia on Reddit. When I'm possessed by my urges I don't care about the consequences, the fact that many strangers on the internet can see and save my pictures doesn't bother me. I already have an escape route in case, my family or friends somehow will see these pictures, and it's called suicide. So here I am. A hopeless addict, nothing helps me, and nothing will ever along with porn, my second vice is nicotine. I smoke so much, and the same as pornography, I love it. I want to ruin myself because I've done so many bad deeds and engaged in so much filth that I became an animal. I don't know how to be a man, I'm a deranged animal that needs to be put down. Fuck Christmas and fuck NoFap in general, ban me if you want. Each time you masturbate, remember this post and how much of a failure you may end up.
 
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The fact that you still didn't kill yourself tells you that something inside of you still holds some hope, the fact that you are here writing these posts about nofap and pmo tells you that something inside of you still wants to fight this addiction, the fact that you are here telling us how fucked up you are tells you that you still want to change the way you are.
Don't take these words of mine as sugar around your mouth, I'm just saying how it is, if you truly gave up then you wouldn't be here posting these messages.
Only after you give up everything, you truly fail.
 
jurte said:
Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking's pmo book
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I found this resource to be life changing, but it still wasn't enough for me. I needed more. Continue searching. Read books. Attend a support group. Ask God for help.

And if something doesn't work or stops working, Stop Trying Harder and Start Trying Different.

This is not a race to see who can get the most sobriety in the shortest amount of time. The point is if we never give up, learn from any relapses, and make the necessary adjustments in ourselves to improve our results, then we'll eventually get to the same place of freedom.

Thank you for your heart felt share.
 
jurte said:
You didn't misread. The fact that I'm posting here is only the result of my addiction and disease. I'm writing this as a way to express my emotions and feelings, as no one in my life knows that I'm suffering from porn addiction. I won't bore you with my story, you can read my previous posts if you're interested, I post here from time to time, mostly when I'm at my lowest points. I've lived twenty-two years on this planet, and more than half of my miserable life was impacted by pornography. I never knew this is such a strong tool to control a man, I still can't believe that something so accessible is so devastating. And yet here you all are, believing in NoFap and willpower and self-improvement. The value of your so-called streaks and "superpowers" that you gain are completely idiotic since you all treat the battle with addiction as a challenge and a way to get a girlfriend. I was like that as well at some point. Fell in love with a girl, and ruined my relationship with her because I'm an addict. Now, I'm in another relationship, and nothing has changed, I feel she's straying away from me, and I can't do anything about it because I'm an addict. I can't fight anymore with it, I've read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking's pmo book and it didn't change me, the porn monster still won. My relapses are the worst, I pay for video chats, go on Omegle or post my genitalia on Reddit. When I'm possessed by my urges I don't care about the consequences, the fact that many strangers on the internet can see and save my pictures doesn't bother me. I already have an escape route in case, my family or friends somehow will see these pictures, and it's called suicide. So here I am. A hopeless addict, nothing helps me, and nothing will ever along with porn, my second vice is nicotine. I smoke so much, and the same as pornography, I love it. I want to ruin myself because I've done so many bad deeds and engaged in so much filth that I became an animal. I don't know how to be a man, I'm a deranged animal that needs to be put down. Fuck Christmas and fuck NoFap in general, ban me if you want. Each time you masturbate, remember this post and how much of a failure you may end up.
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Thank you for candor , your post helps me, I’m on day 1 , join us on the train! Maybe you or both of us can stay on it ! Fingers crossed God willing, I’m married trying to keep away from GF !lol,NoFap is but a tool , but ultimately the buck stops with me ,failure or success
 
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I read your story. It’s similar to mine and to many others of us. This addiction is hard to break but there is no way back. We have to fight until we win against the addiction or die. I don’t mean to die in a physical meaning but in a psychological meaning. This addiction will not kill you like heroin but it will destroy your brain and turn you in a zombie. There is no easy way out of this. So in the end it is your choice what to do. This addiction will not go away from crying.
 
I'm sure you're going through a tough time and I feel for you. But at least you have a girlfriend, someone to share your life with regardless of what it currently looks like. A lot of us here are total loners. Imagine going through this on your own. Even if family is in the picture, as it is for me, most of us don't confide in our siblings or parents to the point of telling them that we struggle with something so shameful. This addiction can be beaten. We are all our own worst enemies when we engage in PMO.
 
Sorry to hear this dude.

I used to live in a black cloud myself. From about 20 -28 life was black.

But my depression lifted.

Please remember that's this black cloud is only temporary.

If need be please seek professional help.

You have one life. Make it the best you can.

Best of luck dude.
 
OP you still there?
remember rock bottom is a solid start. I studied medicine quite a bit so I know death will induce horrible panic 99% of the time,unless you are a saint. but saints dont commit suicide. The shutting down of functions,the brain still "alive"for a couple of minutes after the heart and organs stoped working...youll KNOW you are dead. It wont be pretty.
take care.
 
jurte said:
I already have an escape route in case, my family or friends somehow will see these pictures, and it's called suicide.
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Don't you think commiting suicide would hurt your family much much more than discovering that you have a porn addiction?

And also, it may feel awkward for yourself at first, but everybody will soon adapt to the new situation. The most shame you feel is BEFORE being discovered, anyway. And you're not so special with your porn addiction. People can deal with it and you don't have to fear anything other than your own issues.
 
jurte said:
You didn't misread. The fact that I'm posting here is only the result of my addiction and disease. I'm writing this as a way to express my emotions and feelings, as no one in my life knows that I'm suffering from porn addiction. I won't bore you with my story, you can read my previous posts if you're interested, I post here from time to time, mostly when I'm at my lowest points. I've lived twenty-two years on this planet, and more than half of my miserable life was impacted by pornography. I never knew this is such a strong tool to control a man, I still can't believe that something so accessible is so devastating. And yet here you all are, believing in NoFap and willpower and self-improvement. The value of your so-called streaks and "superpowers" that you gain are completely idiotic since you all treat the battle with addiction as a challenge and a way to get a girlfriend. I was like that as well at some point. Fell in love with a girl, and ruined my relationship with her because I'm an addict. Now, I'm in another relationship, and nothing has changed, I feel she's straying away from me, and I can't do anything about it because I'm an addict. I can't fight anymore with it, I've read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking's pmo book and it didn't change me, the porn monster still won. My relapses are the worst, I pay for video chats, go on Omegle or post my genitalia on Reddit. When I'm possessed by my urges I don't care about the consequences, the fact that many strangers on the internet can see and save my pictures doesn't bother me. I already have an escape route in case, my family or friends somehow will see these pictures, and it's called suicide. So here I am. A hopeless addict, nothing helps me, and nothing will ever along with porn, my second vice is nicotine. I smoke so much, and the same as pornography, I love it. I want to ruin myself because I've done so many bad deeds and engaged in so much filth that I became an animal. I don't know how to be a man, I'm a deranged animal that needs to be put down. Fuck Christmas and fuck NoFap in general, ban me if you want. Each time you masturbate, remember this post and how much of a failure you may end up.
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Get off of the internet. That’s your problem. Destroy your PC. Don’t go on social media sites at all. Not FB, not Twitter, not Reddit, not even Quora. Don’t go onto any of them for any reason whatsoever. Stay off your computer.
 
get tons of blockers might be better choice?Too drastic a cut from online,might be too blunt a shock.
but MAKE SURE the blockers are effective and impossible to bypass.
block the TOR website so you cant download tor to bypass them. Put general-computer-use time blockers and so on.
 
I feel you buddy, it feels so bad when we are in the relapse loop and it looks like nothing works. But trust me, there is always a thing that we miss which can improve our lives better against PMO. If it didn't work, it doesn't mean there is no way out, but it means we still didn't figure it out.

When it works with you, I believe you will be so happy and remove this post. It takes time, it takes a lifestyle and a strategy.

I will be honest with you, I tried to read this book called Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking's, I think everyone likes it here.. To me.. It sucks, it not just didn't help, it didn't serve the purpose. But I found another way's, I understood that the easy way book is the concept to change, but it wasn't the best book to explain that.

There is hope, you have a wife, she is still your wife and you can still make things better.

You can have a free Porn and masturbation life, with a beautiful relationship based on understanding, love, and care. But it takes time, and needs two main pillars, to learn more, and never give up.

Also it's a very good thing to learn the purpose of life, why we are created here. This will make things easier for you.
 
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