Almost 9 months... and feeling in danger

Okay people. I'm almost 9 months no porn... something I'm proud of. But lately, over the last few days, I've been thinking about watching porn. This is really problematic and a threat.

Over the last 4-5 months of this journey I basically NEVER thought about porn. I really enjoyed FREEDOM and it felt great. It was like the problem was solved. I didn't feel at risk. I felt secure and porn never felt like an issue.

Over the last few days being isolated because of the Covid virus has impacted me. Also, since I'm not working, and not being busy with different life activities I've felt less and less useful. I really like living a life of purpose and right now I don't feel this purpose as strongly. It's like life is on an indefinite pause and this is problematic for me. Fortunately, I've committed myself to some different goal. I have meditation goals, I'm trying cold exposure, I'm exercising and stretching. But these goals alone haven't been enough. I've still been considering watching porn.

I already know that if I watch porn things will only get worse. I'll feel bad for giving up my hard earned time away from porn, I feel bad because porn makes me feel weak and defeated, I'll feel lonely, I'll feel like I failed, every other activity and goal will also suffer, I'll lose motivation, and I won't be able to make progress toward my goals.

This is all a big challenge. I had true freedom from thinking about porn. Now I recognize that I'm thinking about it again. So I know freedom is possible. I'm just being tested right now and I have to react and adapt to this situation. As long as I can pass this test I'll come out on the other side stronger and with better abilities. The covid isolation has provoked an emotional reaction where I don't feel as much purpose and I don't like not making progress. It has basically put everything on life on pause, including a social life and meeting a girlfriend which I want to do. I definitely want to pursue a relationship. So the problem is that since that is on hold indefinitely I have entertained watching porn in the meantime.

I've been porn free long enough to recognize the fact that any thoughts about watching porn are dangerous. If I entertain the idea long enough I'll eventually start seeking out porn on the internet. I also know freedom is possible. I will get back to a place where I never think about porn... I JUST HAVE TO ADAPT TO THE NEW CIRCUMSTANCES AND MAKE MY RECOVERY STRONGER

I can't give up my almost 9 months. I've worked hard to get here.

 

Good stuff people. Thank you. I'm already feeling better today. Even though it's a destructive habit, it can appear enticing at times. After having had considerable freedom from even thinking about it, it felt uncomfortable when I was thinking about watching porn recently.

So basically I've talked to an accountability partner I know outside of here, plus just posting on here is like telling on myself. It also holds me accountable and keeps me from doing something I know I would regret.

I think there is definitely an emotional component to watching porn... i see it almost like an emotional distraction. So when I'm in fear, or worried, or overwhelmed... porn seems like a pleasurable distraction that I can retreat into. Except that it is damaging and actually makes things worse for me. Whatever pleasure I get is not worth the depression, lonliness, weakness, etc. that I feel after watching it.

Today, I already stretched, exercised, took a cold shower, meditated and had a healthy breakfast. Gotta stick to the good habits and come out of this stronger!