Almost 9 months... and feeling in danger

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Much Ado About Nutting, Apr 13, 2020.

  1. Much Ado About Nutting

    Much Ado About Nutting Fapstronaut

    Okay people. I'm almost 9 months no porn... something I'm proud of. But lately, over the last few days, I've been thinking about watching porn. This is really problematic and a threat.

    Over the last 4-5 months of this journey I basically NEVER thought about porn. I really enjoyed FREEDOM and it felt great. It was like the problem was solved. I didn't feel at risk. I felt secure and porn never felt like an issue.

    Over the last few days being isolated because of the Covid virus has impacted me. Also, since I'm not working, and not being busy with different life activities I've felt less and less useful. I really like living a life of purpose and right now I don't feel this purpose as strongly. It's like life is on an indefinite pause and this is problematic for me. Fortunately, I've committed myself to some different goal. I have meditation goals, I'm trying cold exposure, I'm exercising and stretching. But these goals alone haven't been enough. I've still been considering watching porn.

    I already know that if I watch porn things will only get worse. I'll feel bad for giving up my hard earned time away from porn, I feel bad because porn makes me feel weak and defeated, I'll feel lonely, I'll feel like I failed, every other activity and goal will also suffer, I'll lose motivation, and I won't be able to make progress toward my goals.

    This is all a big challenge. I had true freedom from thinking about porn. Now I recognize that I'm thinking about it again. So I know freedom is possible. I'm just being tested right now and I have to react and adapt to this situation. As long as I can pass this test I'll come out on the other side stronger and with better abilities. The covid isolation has provoked an emotional reaction where I don't feel as much purpose and I don't like not making progress. It has basically put everything on life on pause, including a social life and meeting a girlfriend which I want to do. I definitely want to pursue a relationship. So the problem is that since that is on hold indefinitely I have entertained watching porn in the meantime.

    I've been porn free long enough to recognize the fact that any thoughts about watching porn are dangerous. If I entertain the idea long enough I'll eventually start seeking out porn on the internet. I also know freedom is possible. I will get back to a place where I never think about porn... I JUST HAVE TO ADAPT TO THE NEW CIRCUMSTANCES AND MAKE MY RECOVERY STRONGER

    I can't give up my almost 9 months. I've worked hard to get here.
    AspiringVitality likes this.
  2. Hang in there! 9 months is a long time and you should be proud of this achievement. I've been an addict since I was 16 years old, I'm 32 now, and I've never made it to 9 months. I find that when the urges get real bad, a cold shower helps. Being in quarantine is not easy, especially for me, I am tempted everyday. You're doing the right thing by focusing on habits, I'd say keep doing that.

    Obviously not working is affecting how you feel about yourself. What you can also consider is reading affirmation messages out loud everyday, there is a scientific research that says if we say something out loud 10 times it can change how we think and feel. Also, there are jobs that allow you to work remotely such as a customer service representative, data entry, etc.. Maybe set some time aside to find those jobs and make a little extra money.

    Hope what i wrote helped and hang in there!
  3. Nak

    Nak Fapstronaut

    Cingatulation bro done something which is tough in these world.. Every on know going NoFap is not is task
    So its time now to proud your self anda keep away from sex mind such find game that will buy your much time..
    Also try not to remember any porngraphic content..

    Thing to do during this lock down is to play with your relative make some joke and talk you parent much time it will help you...

    Rember you are not born to be addiction is kind of slave...

    Fight you pride bro 9 month is not easy task

    Keep in mind you will regret much after watching porn for 30 min ...
  4. mentorr

    mentorr Fapstronaut


    I can relate to you when you say you feel a lack of purpose during isolation, but my question is; if porn makes you feel weak and defeated why are you considering watching it knowing the effects that it will have? You mentioned you enjoyed being free from porn as if it's an option that is no longer available to you.

    I agree being in isolation will definitely make things more difficult, but not impossible. Use this time to find new activities and opportunities to grow and improve yourself.

    Sharpen your mind as to preoccupy your brain away from porn. Being 'stuck' in isolation has simply pulled the scab away from your addiction and shown you that your purpose derives from something exterior to yourself rather than something inside.

    22nd July was the date I started NoFap also, so from one long rebooter to another, don't drop the ball. Keep moving and keep going!
  5. Much Ado About Nutting

    Much Ado About Nutting Fapstronaut

    Good stuff people. Thank you. I'm already feeling better today. Even though it's a destructive habit, it can appear enticing at times. After having had considerable freedom from even thinking about it, it felt uncomfortable when I was thinking about watching porn recently.

    So basically I've talked to an accountability partner I know outside of here, plus just posting on here is like telling on myself. It also holds me accountable and keeps me from doing something I know I would regret.

    I think there is definitely an emotional component to watching porn... i see it almost like an emotional distraction. So when I'm in fear, or worried, or overwhelmed... porn seems like a pleasurable distraction that I can retreat into. Except that it is damaging and actually makes things worse for me. Whatever pleasure I get is not worth the depression, lonliness, weakness, etc. that I feel after watching it.

    Today, I already stretched, exercised, took a cold shower, meditated and had a healthy breakfast. Gotta stick to the good habits and come out of this stronger!

Share This Page