Almost cracked

I almost cracked the other day. No friends. My relationship with my family is doing a lot better. There are 2 friends I keep in touch with from high school and they live close by but their always busy and I used to feel bad for always asking them to hangout but now I'm like fuck it I dont feel like asking anymore. These past months I dont mind being alone i enjoy it. Like it doesn't bother me in the slightest but every now and then I'll feel super lonely and ashamed of being alone. A few days ago I saw a friend I haven't seen in over a year and that's a long time for someone like me who doesn't see anyone anymore. So i dont know how to explain it but When I spent time with them it felt like time was "moving" like it was real time I was experiencing. It seemed like for most of the past year I was in "empty" time where things happened (work,school) and I learned a lot of things about myself but I never spent it with anyone. I knew the moment my friend and I parted ways I would go back to experiencing "empty" time and that the feeling of "real/moving" time we just shared would be forgotten like it never happened. I almost cracked because I PMOed a few days ago and felt like I couldn't see a postive future for me anymore and that I'm plagued by "empty" time where nothing matters because everything is or will eventually be forgotten.