Almost relapsed, feeling insecure, and craving intense emotion

This is an excerpt from my journal that I would like to get some feedback on. Any words of advice?

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Day 10 out of 90.

Last night, I had some problems. I started fantasizing mentally again in bed before going to sleep. Then I started getting really insecure about my relationship for some reason. I kept thinking about my girlfriend and about how she's probably cheating on me (there are no real indicators that she is) besides the fact that at one of her jobs, she regularly sees her ex-boyfriend but that's it.

It's like my brain craved some kind of drama... This was probably because my brain has been feeling very dull lately due to the withdrawal so it wanted some kind of neurochemical stimulation whether it was dopamine or even the rush/anger from thinking about my ex cheating. It's hard to describe but it's kind of like a rush of anger/adrenaline. When in withdrawal, it's like my brain craves to be in touch with intense emotions no matter what kind.

I started looking at this girl's Instagram that I used to bang debating whether or not I should hit her up. It's like at that moment, I felt so insecure and so unable to do anything about it, that my only way to "take control" of the situation was to potentially cheat on her bc at least that way (in my twisted logic) I would get even with her. Meanwhile, there is once again no true indicators that she was cheating on me!

So during this process, I was holding my penis, looking at this girls pictures, my mind was racing, and although I wasn't explicitly masturbating, I sort of edged. Like I kept rubbing my penis and I did come kind of close to the edge with the rubbing so I guess it was basically masturbation.

I did not end up orgasming though nor did I end up contacting that girl. I knew that if I went through with this line of action, I would definitely regret it.

This morning, I ended up missing my alarm because I stayed up late with the above unproductive process. And when I remembered last night, I started feeling a ton of shame/guilt. This shit is interfering with my daily routine/productivity and I really don't like it.

I guess I'm going through some tough withdrawal and I'm also having some trust issues. These issues aren't really her fault but rather my own. I feel insecure and I don't believe that I'm the only one she has her eyes on. But in reality, she's actually quite devoted and I believe she loves me. I don't know.

I guess if I focus on the possibility of her cheating, I could come up with all kinds of scenarios. But this is just the compulsive mind and insecurity talking. Relationships are about trust and there is NO way in hell I'm going to cheat on her. That would only make things worse by making me feel the weight of my actions every time she smiles at me. If I want to be with other women, I commit to simply breaking up with her. I will NEVER cheat on her even if she cheats on me and I find out. Because at that point I'd simply break up with her. But I am not going to break my commitment especially due to some insecure thoughts during PMO withdrawal. No way.

So I wouldn't necessarily consider last night a relapse. I'm going to keep moving forward with a new found mindfulness about these insecurities and how to deal with them. Next time I get thoughts about her cheating, I will simply ask myself if there are any strong indicators about this. If not, then I will realign my focus on something more productive knowing that these are just insecurities/PMO-withdrawal talking.

Committed to No PMO until July 1st and to integrating my sexuality into my life in such a way that the whole is one big harmonious balance. Anything other then that is compulsivity and perversion. Let's do it.